Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you are to be made privy to the latest findings from the Lipkovits language laboratories. Through months of exhaustive but systematic research and empirical testing in conversation, dialogue and poetry (the language of love itself) we have arrived at a comprehensive survey of blunders, faux pas and social mishaps.

So without further ado...

1. Ever made it with an aardvark? We're quite rare.

2. What's your platform... on hair?

3. You've _got to help me_... I'm in love with someone you know and don't know how to tell them.

4. ~I have only twelve days to live!~

5. I'll put a link to you on my web page...

6. Wanna see what's in my fish?

7. I can't write anymore; I need a new disposable muse.

8. SHOW US YER TITS! (Note: the variants show your tits and show us your tits are also perfectly feasible in their unfeasibility.)

9. It's better to be lonely than to be with inferior people.

10. I wish people would start saying what they meant.

11. That poem isn't about -you- per se...

12. I _told_ you I wasn't ticklish.

13. That's all right; I want to pay for it.

14. What's your ICQ number?

15. Can I play with your piercing?

16. ... never mind

17. I want to get you, and cut you up, so you will be mine.

18. Yes, I think you're weird, but I _like_ weird.

19. Want a piggyback ride?

20. You're more than welcome to stay here.

21. HOW 'BOUT A *MANWICH*, BABY!!!

22. Stuff like that _never_ happens to me.

23. I'd like you to come to my reading on Sunday.

24. Is it nice to be wanted?

25. (pauses and grimaces.)

Unfortunately, due to the appearance of the rather limited use potential of this information, there has been much skepticism regarding our canonical project. What the naysayers don't realize, in dismissing our methodical exercise as pessimistic, is that once we have catalogued and indexed and warned against all phrases not to say, the only words remaining will be the right ones, the ones that work, making life a little easier for the hopelessly inarticulate. Funding is slim, but if you could further our research by submitting field-tested phrases you have proven ineffective at conveying love, wooing or seducing, our scientific goal of rendering the entirety of the human race as efficient as Casanova at getting the really important stuff out of the way would be that much closer to becoming a reality.

So please, share (from experience) generously.

I am gratified that the Everything populace approves of this project, resulting in its becoming my highest-reputation node, but I would prefer your embarrassing verbal anecdotes to your votes.

To reiterate: though the editors have locked this node, because "they" do not want any more GTKY submissions... I certainly do. How else am I going to get the 25 best (worst) ways out of the entire potentiality of human language? Please do feel free to come to me direct. (But please, keep in mind - it's the text, not the context, I'm after.)

In case you forgot your art lessons:

Cut off your ear and give it to your love as a gift.


A quick story. A friend of mine had been planning to get drunk and crash a punk show, until he saw the cute girl from his english class putting up fliers for the show. He presented this problem to us very seriously: whether to go to the show sober to prevent ruining his chances with cute girl. After some discussion, he decided what he was going to do. Get drunk, go to the show, walk up to her, and punch her in the face.
Whether this was meant to be an analogy to show his frustration at her causing such a dilemna, or whether he was serious, I could not tell and have yet to find out.
"I want to stifle your thoughts/emotions/creativity by spending every waking moment with you."

This is normally implied, not spoken. However, if it is spoken, follow these simple instructions:

1. Run.

From my personal experience

Every time I see you, I need to think of 300,000 ways not to tell you I love you. This short list will never do.

Because every time my mouth begins to open, ‘I love you’ is on it. ‘I love you’ is in it. ‘I love you’ is almost escaping out into the air, and I need to find some other way to tell you about the weather, a sentence that does not end like this. ‘I hear it might rain,’ not you’re beautiful, I want you, take me home, no one’s ever listened to me like this before, how does your hair frame your face in such a mind-numbingly beautiful way? and what dream did you rise on to know my soul the way you do?

How does the silence creep up around us so full?

25 ways not to tell someone that you're in love with them. Every word that I’ve uttered, every time I haven’t moved into your space was another way. Another way not to drive you away.

How do I not tell you I’ve never seen poetry in anyone’s eyes but yours?



(I love double meanings.)

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