Choose Everything. Choose slacking on the job. Choose a lousy career with little responsibility. Choose a distant family. Choose a good username, choose the Jukka theme, choose a big fucking monitor, cars with E2 bumper stickers and electrical coffee makers...choose XP whoring and wondering why the fuck you are noding on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting in that swivel chair, reading mind-numbing, spirit-crushing writeups, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in some miserable node, nothing more than an embarassment to the selfish, fucked-up newbies EDB spawned to replace the M-noders.

Choose your future. Choose Everything.

Quite apart from Trainspotting parodies, nodespotting is a conceivable activity for those of you who want to ascend/descend to the next level of E2 geekdom. So pack yourself some sandwiches, an apple and a flask of tea, put on your best anorak, sharpen your pencil and keep an eye out for the following types of node:

Factual nodes
More common than you might think, these dependable workhorses of E2 provide the cold hard facts. (Webster 1913 writeups don't count.)

Rant nodes
It won't take you too long to mark down a couple of these incandescent beauties. Look out especially for writeups with stunning passages of bold text.

Whine nodes
A close relative of the rant, the whine adds that extra ingredient of self-pity.

E2 Culture nodes
Nodes about noding. You're reading one right now! Quick, mark it in your notebook!

"Getting to know you" nodes/Poll nodes (closely related)
What's your favorite type of node? If everybody answers, then we can make the page so big that nobody will ever read it!

"The title is the node" nodes
Don't you just hate it when you click on a long node title only to find that there is no real content behind it?

Brave, experimental nodes
Generally, nodes which try to make E2 do things it was never designed to do, such as games, competitions etc.

Day logs
Daily updates on the mundane or otherwise lives of people you'll probably never meet.

Dream logs

Personal nodes
Nodes about noders. Often insulting, sometimes complimentary.

Island nodes
The nodespotter's dream: a node with no links, soft or hard, found by the felicitous chance of typing its exact title into the search box. Does such a node even exist? You tell me.

Illegal nodes
Also called cut-and-paste writeups, these devillish creatures have been unscrupulously ripped off from some uncredited source. Nodespotters should note that these are an endangered species.

Home nodes
Very easy to find: simply click on a noder's name. You will then be treated to whatever garbage that noder thinks is worth posting. Home nodes of higher-level noders often have beautiful plumage in the shape of a home node image.

Are these a type of node? Who knows. They're very useful, though.

Multi-lingual nodes
Very rare, ach ceapaim go bhfuil níos mó le déanaí.

Noisy Sunset
Quite unique.

Ah drag maself oop an doon th isles of thes public library turned shootin gallery, feelin th sick take a firmer grip on ma soul, feelin th dirt onder th nails of this filthy habbit grind ita the holes those nails ar diggin inta me psyche.

Ah havna logged in fer sex point three hours and i kin feel it in ma fokken teeth.

Due to the particular flavour of junk ah like to push inta me, the library has shelves of the written word ta soothe my sick. It works quite well fir a bit. but straight, dead text starts ta get on ma tits after a while. Is like havin a stick ah gum win what you need is a fokkin shot.
Noat only are they loads longer than iceowl nodes, theres fuckahl fur links, ya canna vote the thing oor ching it, no soflinking, bookmarking, nodeshelling, nor can ye blast th cunt wot rote it wi a wicked slash message, likesay.
Noat even books can slack ma thirst tadae as ah canna wander too far from the distressingly few rows of slow as fooken shite dell municipal desktops on account of ahl the skags hangin aboot. Theres an unspoken hierarchy amoung the trash gathered to suck a free hour of methadone sweet bandwidth.
The order of the queue:
every fukkin cunt here waiting, then you.
Ehf you head off to look fir somewhat ta reed or to th bog ta have a pish, when you git back the order is unchanged...
every fukkin cunt here waiting, then you.
Especially them wot showed oop while you was off.
Th oonly thing left for it is ta stand ere like a fookin vulture and stare at those already at the teat. Oop in doon th isles ah pace, lookin over shoulders squared oop ta monitors like auld birds at the slots oop tae th reservation, like smart-arsed couch pahtatas, those of us too fokken stupid ta ken a masheen langwedge, yet spend like amounts a time starin at the box as programmers do. Ah looks over th sholder of some doss wide-o who ah thot wis diggen in is poket, till ah sees some yong bird gettin it frum ahl directions oop on th screen.

-ootay fokkin order! ah shout, pointin at th cunt.

Doont git me rong, mindu, strokin it ta skin on the web in the privicy of yer own fookin flat is one ting an aw, but doonit here at the library is, likesay, openin yer coat to wee bairns at th playground.

-this fokkin radge is pullin it ta porn while sum of us are waitin for information..! ah holler.

Ah stop myself from launchin inta a cry for innernet filters knennen full well my e-smack is rife wi dirty words and i'd be shite ootay luck as this pervert ere. Doont git me rong, ah feel sorry for th doss cunt. Ah canna look too far doon mah beak at this punter, as were aw sharin works, but the digi-skin is sad skag ta be hooked on. Too ugly, fat, introverted, jaded,twisted, er poor to go an hunt up a real shag, oor too hooked, too haunted by lust ta wait between liasons. An oogly naked monkey ta have humpin th bak of yer neck, nae fokkin joak. Spashally ere in a library. At least my addiction can be indulged infrontay th whole fokkin family. Wholesome, ah sneer ta myself, no byin a werd of it. So here ah am, squealin on a fellah junkie en th hopes thit ah can belly oop ta th bar sooner than if id jest let this bastard shoot it and pish off. Reel fokkin classy.

Over strides this beautiful gel, dressed like an auld librairian right ooop to the wee rectangular glasses on er lovley albit pinched and disapproving face and i figger right, there goes th sick fok oot on es ere.
Ah litely backand the radge who has long since closed his browser windae after deleetin his histry.

-eres th fokkin wanker, parden me french mess, be a luv and kindly sho em th door.
-Sir I'm afraid I'm going to have to have to ask you to leave.

The grin leaves my gob like a crimmnal frum th seen whin i realise miss librairian is talkin ta me.

-ootay fokkin order. ah say ta th bird.

A face like that one could tell me ta lay doon on broken glass and present it and ah wood with a smile, but since ah goat hooked on the e2, a face is secondary, likesay, sho me some nodeshare gel, oor fok off. Ah just ken someone has posted ah poom just fer me this mornin, ah can feel it in mah viens, so the sick makes me drop any shyness ah might av ad in the face ay thes angel.

-so unkle kiddieporn can stey an smakit but you want me ta go? this es fokkin re-goddamn-diculious luv. ye ken that?
-The internet is here for all to use and you are causing a disturbance, you have to go. Please.

Ah kin tell by th set of er jaw taht i'll be getten nawere wi that approach. ah start whining like a skag, i'm gonna fokkin loseit right ere in frontay this bird an aw these others waitin patient as grim death fer ther turn at the works. I choak it off as theres no sympathy for a junky, spashally noat in this room.

-Sir, please...

Borged in the fokkin library by a wee librairan!
Ah didnae want the gel ta loose ehr joab, ken. Ah ken how it fukkin is, and ah no thit ah could pushit, get er cards anded ta er en such, but ah needed ta log in more than i needed ta be rite, so i jess fukked off.

Ootsidy th library, ah reviewed mah options... if only ah had some poppy ah could juss head oop tenth ta Heaven. Its three fookin dollars fer thirty short minutes. Even tho Heaven has a T1, (wouldn't it tho?) ever since the server went tets up, willywisp will only ge us four ta fie pageloads till our thirty is spent. If ah had shadow on me, ah could hop on th nick fer free, but shadow is tae heavy ta lug thirty bloks inte town, an besides, Heaven will tell ya ta pish off if ya doant buy a coffee er kake fromem. So ah guess assention by that route is ootay th fokkin question fir now.

This leaves me fresh ootay options on this usless fokkin side o the river. Back a fokkin cross ta th Funhaus then. Laruel an Seamus will cook us up a shot. Laurel is a sweet bird, jess like a sester ta me, shes hooked on tha selfsame grade a smack as ah am, strait from nate an auld bones. Watered doon to tha masses, the e2 is still deadly addictive and unlike other seedy vices, it gets better th more ya use it. You waste away, but if ye stay on it, gie it all ya goat, ye kin end up like that doss cunt Pee Eye, topy th list glarin doon on creaitin like. But when ya git yer shite strait frum th boys, yir a fokkin god when ye log in. Ye can see wot few elese kin see and do wot few else kin do. Thass sweet gear, nae fokkin joke. That straight dope has driven some mad, and thos powers have been used fer ill. Anythin addictive comes wi ay extensive histry ov woe nd sufferin. I'v lost frends ta the shite, but ive gained so many moor. This is th oonly shite av ever been hooked on what gets ye moor friends, noat halla eyed "acquaintances", than ye can shake a fokkin stick at.

Seamus is a great fokkin mate he is, like a moother ta us. Eis oon the waterd doon shite, but when yev goat th love ay a god, ya get a taste ay th good smak by proxy, ye ken? Jess ask my gelfriend. Great fokkin riters tha both ay them, excellent hosts, and a euge fokkin couple ay brains ta tell the truth. They only live fie bloks from ma pad, and ah shoulda gone there first, but i kindy tweeked oot when fweez took doon th network at the casa ta doo a bit ay maintainance or sumsuch, an ah blew th last a me poppy to bussit across th bridge to th library an aw. I'm lucky thit ah goat th deskmin thit nate sent me fer eks-mass and cleen keks and sum fokkin fags er the sick ed slam me doon rite there oon the bridge. I kin feel th itch tho, and i juss ken someone said somethin ta me aboot thit bit aboot smokin ah rote, er thit junkpile said thanks fer chingin that ay fokkin mazin calvino piece wot she did. My fokkin homenode hasne been changed much in a yeer, and ive goat this bit in me head thit would doo quite nicely if ah kin juss log in befor ah forgit.

Ah climb th steps all ninja like despite the naked need ta git on, an finish my fag on th porch ay th Funhaus. I kin hear chella music comin frum inside and tho it sounds fokkin beautiful, it sends a lancet of panic thru me. Whie th fok isna Seamus on? Ah stub out the smoke an head in unannounced as usual, alwes welcome ere an aw that, and Seamus gies us a grin and lays es chella aside.

-awright Seamus? ah says ta im.
-yew fokkin no it mate, e says
-lifes a fokkin dream innit? e asks.
-yeah, look, ah.... log us in willya mate? i'm feelin a bit ootay touch, ken?

His face goes aw funny, likesay, half sick, half loathin, half self loathin.
Three fokkin haffs like ah says... funny.

-eh... williewisp is doon jart, i havna been able ta log fer three point sex hours now, sorry mate.

Seamus is a fine bastard, so i doont nok em ta th floor an put tha boot to em, wouldnae do no good, wasnae his fault. I swalla mah rage and head back ta the porch fir another smoke.

-is no substitue ah no, but ere.

He ands me a fokkin book by some cunt what is muther named Irvine Welsh.

-ahm makin up some gimlets, wouldye stay fur one?

A story aboot trains isit?

-eye, ah will.

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