Once a gentle breeze blew along a riverbank.
Two leaves fell, one in the main flow and the other
in still water. Eventually both of them came to the ocean.

I went to bed at 12:56, I know this because I keep track of time. And then I tried to get to sleep and I had a dream. The dream itself was uninteresting, as dreams tend to be; we've all had wild and crazy nocturnal thought emissions but generally they're too personal or surreal to be affecting. Simply jumping around saying 'I'm an orange! Smell my chapstick!' doesn't have any depth to it, and context, and it's not funny, and in the same way so are dreams not. So are not dreams. So not are dreams. The idea that humour doesn't require hard work is wrong, wrong, wrong, as Margaret Thatcher would have said if she had been Barry Took. For every laugh, there is a man sitting awake at 12:55, drunk, thinking it up.

It was a long and very involved dream; I lived in a cabin in the woods, it was night-time, there was a single road going by the house, cars went by, and I was also in my own room, and a man came through the window, tangled in the curtain, and I shot him several times with my Sig P230, and then I re-ran the scenario and waited before shooting him, and then I was back in the cabin, and then I thought about the history of me buying the cabin and owning it - well, it was more like a bungalow, really - and also about the relative merits of owning a Saiga 12 shotgun and a pistol, and about 10-gauge shotguns, which are really big and nasty, and then I was back in my room and there was a man at the door, and I woke up. There was no man.

The dream seemed to take a very long time indeed, but when I looked at the clock I saw that it was only 01:36. Which made me wonder; there must be an upper limit to the amount of thoughts a person can think in half an hour. Presumably it would not be possible to have a dream which lasts ten minutes in real life, but occupies a perceived million years (say) of mental time, because you simply can't have enough thoughts to cover a million years of history in half an hour, even if your mind was racing. Each individual thought must take a certain amount of time.

So what's the speed of thought? The brain runs at a certain frequency but thoughts are more complex than simple maths. To determine the speed of thought I have come up with a mental experiment which I shall mentally do. I will count from one to ten, with my menta. My mind.

does this

It took me two and a half seconds, although I had to mentally count the seconds as well, so let's round it down to two seconds. Therefore, if it takes two seconds to do such a simple thing as count from one to ten, I conclude that many of the things I do every day which are much more complex - navigating the underground, going to the toilet, shooting Terry Wogan - are mentally impossible. But I still do them, which leads to two possibilities:
1. Faith. Like the bee, I am kept aloft by willpower. And the fact thay my brain can alter its angle of attack, which increases its apparent surface area;
2. We are linked, and our brains tap into a pool of experience. Each time I perform an action I am merely retrieving the collective human solution to the problem. Many people have done the same thing already, in the same location, at the same time of day and season of the year, in all weather conditions.

Which is correct? Who can say. Perhaps we are all the dream of something else, and it doesn't matter what crimes we commit or who we hurt because the people aren't real. There is room for God in the holes of Science.

Further experiments include:
1. Monitor the dreams of a nihilist;
2. Placing a person in a unique location and situation and study his or her reactions;
3. Find a way to justify watching sedated, greased young girls wrestling in a transparent plastic sack;
4. Monkeypox?

In three weeks time I will be leaving secondary school. Although I already have a place at a university, I, like thousands of other British students, am taking a year out before university. For most of this year (actually closer to 14 months) I will be working. But I will be spending about four/five months travelling over Summer 2004.

This is where you can help. I need to plan where I am going soon, so I know how much money I'll be spending, can book tickets early etc. All I know at the moment is that I want to take a round the world ticket stopping in at the least China (SARS allowing) and Peru (for the Inca Trail). Other possible destinations include Tokyo, Bangkok (or some other location in Thailand, Cambodia or Vietnam) and somewhere in America (my current opinion is wavering between New York or trying to get to Burning Man).

I would like to hear suggestions from travellers on e2 as to where to go and what to do. As you can see, my plan is fairly vague, so I'm interested in pretty much any suggestion, but I'm looking for things that you are less well known, I don't need to be told about the Taj Mahal or the Great Wall of China, for instance. Suggestions that I actually take up could well receive a postcard or a similar token of thanks, depending on what happens. At the moment I'm mainly looking at big suggestions that will help make up my mind as to where to go, things like "you should go to <insert location here> and such to see <insert attraction here>" and any more information you have, as opposed to specific restaurants or hotels, although these will become increasingly useful as the specificity of my plans increases.

My itinery will be updated on my homenode as things develop.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I wanted to write about Field Day, and how I was completely fucking blown away by Radiohead, how it was one of the best concerts I ever went to (Radiohead's set, not Field Day, which was a sopping mess--actually, the bands were good, but we were soaked, stiff, and exhausted). Instead, I'm going to write about losing an apartment, and how my life has no direction or meaning.

Welcome to Hell v.3.5

When your world seems to be coming together, when everything is coming your way, when the sky is blue and sunny, THAT'S when you get hit by the fucking truck.

When I wrote on Thursday about the apartment, I didn't expect for it to be gone on Friday--if it was that close to going, why the hell did they tell me to call on Monday about the place?

I'm poor. Not dirt poor, not welfare poor, not food stamps poor, not living-in-my-car poor. But I make less than $25,000 a year, which means I can barely afford to live anywhere, even with roommates. I live paycheck to paycheck. I don't take vacations. I'm a clerk in a library--a job which doesn't actually require any skills, but you still have to have a college degree to work here, mainly for appearance's sake. I don't know what I want to do with my life other than write, which you can't support yourself on (let's face it, kids), and which most people can't ever break into (let's fucking face it, kids). So here I am with a useless desire and no real ambition towards something practical. I'm not stupid, just too immature to suck it up and play along. I have no useful skills--and yes, maybe I should have studied computers or become a teacher, or some other useful, mindnumbing thing that I know I would hate. But I hate what I'm doing now, so what's the fucking difference?

So I make no money because I was stupid in college. "Oh, but at least you HAVE a job, unlike the two million people who got laid off the last two years." Yeah, true. Fine. So I can't fucking feel sorry for myself. Keep reminding me how good my life is, how I take everything for granted. I keep forgetting I'm not allowed to be unhappy.

And now, I don't have the apartment. Someone has already rented it. What you have to understand is that it's hard to find an apartment in this city, and it's even harder to find one I can afford. Almost impossible. Even the studios go for $700/mo. Half my take-home salary for the whole month. Yeah, I know--"Well, in San Francisco..." "Well, in New York..." "Well, in London..." Yes, I know. Everyone in the fucking world has it harder than me. Yes, I know. So what if I have to move back in with my parents? So what if I'm 24 and still treated like I'm 16? So what if I'm a loser with no future and no direction? My little sister is doing post-graduate work in vet school. She's going somewhere. I'm barely getting by, and soon I won't be getting by. Because they're talking about layoffs. Yes, that's right, if Temple University has its way, the Acquisitions Department will all be outsourced, and I will be left without a job. Oh goodie. So I'll be living in my parents' basement, unemployed, with a bunch of debt over my head.


We're rotten fruit
We're damaged goods
What the hell we've got nothing more to lose
One gust and we will probably crumble
We’re backdrifting

This far but no further
I'm hanging off a branch
I'm teetering on a brink
Honey sweet so full of sleep
I'm backsliding.


When I was 20, they diagnosed me as manic depressive. I don't really believe it. I think I'm just depressive with occasional bright spots. Fuck the medication--it never did me no good. I ain't dead yet, I just wish I was.

Go ahead. Fucking downvote this. Daylogs are just people's lives, that's all. Downvote my fucking life.


E2 is outstanding, and the amount of bandwidth this place requires per day must be incredible. The cost of maintaining this place can't be pretty. So I'm suggesting a E2 NET-A-THON. Let's work together to help offset the operating costs here at the place we all enjoy so much.

I propose anyone reading this /msg me with the reasons why they use (and/or love) E2, and a challenge to their fellow noders to meet and I'll post it here. My goal if I can be so bold, is to (at minimum) double the previous month's donations. And my pipe-dream is that we break their current record for donations in a month. Can we do it? (We could do that if everyone reading this node donated the cost of their next Latte)

For me personally, I love E2 because I'm a compulsive addictive type person and this place is my drug of choice. I was once addicted (for real) to the public library, had 8 years clean of the non-stop reading addiction when I found E2. E2 is a place I can spend endless hours, reading and learning about any topic under the sun. Just about every culture, nationality and so on, is represented here. I often wonder how many backups they have of this database, because one or even two backups wouldn't be enough for me.

My challenge:
Fellow E2 addicts - send in a donation equal to your age. For me that'd be um 30 something dollars. For you? :)

An Anon challenge from a level 2 noder:
Level 2 noders, donate 50 cents times your number of nodes, or 50 cents per Ching you've been given.

Entertainment combining the quality of academic standards and the intrigue of television ought to cost somewhere between the price of college and cable.

I challenge all level 3 noders to donate .50 cents for each day they've logged on since their last donation.

Please send me your 'reasons' and your challenge! I plan to contribute the amounts of the first two challenges personally - if they are reasonable.

Operators are standing by.
Let's Do it!

Interesting site of the day: www.flylady.com

At some level, all successful relationships rely on a mutual exchange of benefits. I'm not just talking about romantic interests or even friendships. No, every single time we open our mouths to speak to another human being there is an agenda at work. What sets humans above animals is the level to which we conceal our agendas in the pursuit of shared interests. At first this idea scared me a lot... it made me uneasy at work and in social situations, always wondering what people wanted out of me and sometimes what I was trying to get out of them. The machievellian precision of it all began to knaw at my conscience. The walls closed in and I felt a bit ill at the thought of it all.

Just now, as I became aware of the breath in my chest, I realized that observation of the truth doesn't make it any worse. If what you don't know can't hurt you, then neither can knowing it hurt you unless you allow it to. There are infinitely many disturbing truths about life, but in the end your quality of life depends more on your own thoughts and feelings than on abstract psychological trends in others. As much as we are bumped and prodded by the whimsy of fate, we all have the mental freedom to fit the world into whatever paradigm we want.

Even if the worst case scenario is true: that we are ultimately all machines bent on personal gratification, the implication that goodness and love are somehow less pure as a result is nothing more than the debunking of a pleasant fantasy. Likewise, extrapolating the concept to a belief that people are fundamentally selfish and evil is also the misapplication of a fact.

We all have such overarching ideas about the world to help us through life. Some of these worldviews are optimistic, and some pessimistic, but they all exist to satisfy the human need for comprehension of the universe. We consistently perform this abstraction of facts to create a more ordered world, and satisfy our finite brains' need for knowledge. I suppose if you're happy then there's no reason to change, but if you're vaguely dissatisfied (as I am) or even outright depressed (for non-chemical reasons), then dismantling and replacing some of these oversimplifications is in order. Can you find them?

Every little thing is exactly what it is and nothing more...

I'm broke. My cat is sick and I can't afford to take her to the vet.

My little one, Ash, rescued from a building site in Corona, California, isn't eating much and is throwing up almost everything she eats. She's never been big, but now she's so light ... she's clearly not getting the nutrition she needs. She's not feverish, and she's not lacking in appetite -- she was begging for chicken pot pie last night when we were eating -- but nothing's staying down.

We have absolutely no money that's not spoken for already until the 20th. Extended periods of unemployment over the past three years have destroyed both my savings and my credit rating. Unexpectedly huge bills last month set me back. I can't not pay the rent or other bills I must pay. I need gas for the car, and we've spent most of our food money on groceries already, intending to cook at home and economise.

Investigating what low-cost options there are. Unfortunately I'm not low income, just broke. We'll see; hopefully she'll start to regain strength on her own.

With spring in the air and butterflies flyin' out of my ass, I thought I'd take a peek back to same time last year.

With regard to love interests, it seems I was very content. Broke as a broken thing, but somewhat swooning with the thought of her in my head all the time. This time last year, I had someone with which to share this and that.

I threw it away, and I've been incessantly weeping inside about it for a couple of months now. It's been especially painful because of a lack of something to remind me of her. I'd erased her phone number, as she asked me to, never really had to e-mail each other, so that's out the window; no trinket, gift, smeared lipstick stain or other girlish memento to take with you to bed when you're feeling just that little bit extra sorry for yourself. Not even a mutual friend. Fuck me...

Until yesterday, that is.

A friend was messin' around and playing Snake II on my banged up Nokia when she gasped, "woah, now that is pretty good". She had brought up the previous high score for the game: 2468. No prizes for guessing who excelled in this area. She had left me a high score. A score?

2-4-6-8, Who do we appreciate?

Jesus, this is the most discouraging set of day logs I've read in quite some time. I'm not sure what brought about this barrage, but let me attempt to set a few minds at ease.

Life sucks at times, that's a fact. Everyday some one deals with an issue they believe imperative to their lives, but this is merely an illusion. Lots of people are struggling financially, and I'm sure everyone's aware of that, but what you must realize is if finances are what causes the most grief in your life than you should be thankful. Money is a luxury; it's far from the other hierarchies on Maslow's Scale. Shelter, food, and belonging are all well above the relatively unimportant ability to drive a car or not live with your parents.

Don't take this as a personal attack, negativity has been a rampant theme on the day logs for some time and it has become grating. Everyday someone's child is diagnosed with Leukemia, or a someone's mother battles breast cancer. Maybe your job does stink, but I won't make the old-fashioned observation concerning the millions of unemployed people. Instead, I challenge you to think of someone that owns a funeral home. What exactly constitutes a good day at work for them? If business is good, does that mean that life has been getting bad for a lot of other people? Now there's a dilemma!

Anyway, my suggestion is to brighten up because someone else always has it worse. I'm sure most people realize this and are only venting their frustration to calm themselves, but perhaps a vicious kick to a punching bag would be more beneficial than taking server space on E2. Sorry, but I had difficulty logging in a few hours ago and was in need of a hasty E2-related answer. Negative day logs may be negligible in the grand scheme of all that is E2, but I can't help but sense they at least partially contribute to the problem. At any rate, they take up space that costs money; an issue that KissThis has brought to our attention above.

In retrospect, this day log seems negative and is probably hypocritical in a way. Therefore, I'm going to donate some money to E2, it's the only way I can vindicate myself.

Something to resonate on: When life gives you lemons, be happy they’re lemons and not corpses needing a proper burial at a reasonable price.

How am I noding? Call 1-800-Woburn
Follow the links for deeper understanding of the world.

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