Blarg: A Poem by Reverend Raven

Another year, 2005,
watching time go whizzing by.
Sit right down for some holiday cheer,
grab a snacky, have a beer.

A poem for you,
a gift from me.
You get a short read,
and I get some XP.

School is done,
teaching now,
I's an IT professional.

This poem sucks,
but it's almost done,
I'm just tired of most of my writeups
being from 2001.

I left my mark,
my work mostly done,
this place kinda pissed me off,
but it's still a lot of fun.

Though I may vanish
from this online media,
you can always find me lurking
on the Wikipedia.

Tyler Evans
, Grade 4, Miss Bell's Class, Shady Grove Elementary
Vichizzle McNizzle, Pimp Daddy

Intelligent Design

Vichizzle: So's lotsa peoples out there got they turds in a tussle lately 'bout this fuckin intelligent design bullshit. Fuckin Jesus juicers have they crosses up they asses 'bout religion bein' taken outta schoolz fo years now, but now they takin they bitchin up a notch. Since ya can't teach Creationism no mo they think of anotha way to describe it, put science to it, wrappin it up in a prettier package and sendin' it to the school boards. Some be listenin' and now the fuckin scientists be shittin' in they britches, afraid they evolution bein dissed in the classroom. Now it be dividin' peoples, ovah who believes that us and all the animals an shit be evolvin' ovah time, like gajillions of years, or God fuckin snap his fingers and make Adam 'bout hundred thousand ago, "There ya are, Adam, my man, and SNAP! here's yo bitch, too!"

People be askin' me "Vichizz, man, whatchoo make of this shit? This fuckin 'Intelligent Design' versus evolution craziness?" Well, fo a while I didn't give a fuckin twirly titty 'bout it, but then I gots t'thinkin, start thinkin "hey, what if God or whatever designed us?" After doin' a lotta thinkin, and a lotta fuckin weed smokin, I come to a conclusion. There may have been a designer, but he sure as fuck wasn't INTELLIGENT!

I don't like how lotta our parts be designed. Let's start with the pussy. Now I know lotta you be sayin' at this point "Why, Vichizz, you be dissin' on the pussy? What be wrong with the pussy? Don't you like the fuckin pussy?" Yeah, 'course I do, but it the only fuckin pussy we have, that don't mean we can't evah bitch about it. Lemme acks you a question: Do you think it perfect? Nuttin' you'd like to be changin about the pussy?

They plenty I like to change. First of all, if I be the all om-titty-pent designer, I fuckin make a pussy that nevah goes dry. What the fuck's up with havin' to lube the damn thing so much? When the pussy gets dry, gotta bust out the KY! If I be designin' a pussy, I make it with its own KY dispensers and they always be workin! I would make pussy ready to get down to bidness twentay-fo-seven! Yeah, that's what I'm fuckin talkin 'bout! 24-hour pussy, always open, thank you drive thru, muthafuckazz! Would you like a fuckin hot cherry pie wit dat?! Knowhaddi'msayin?

Lubin' ain't the only problem with pussy. No, sir. Worse than a fuckin dry pussy is a bleedin' pussy! Who the fuck's idea was this: once a month it hemorrhages fo a week?! I hate it when I'm about to fuck a pussy, and WORSE when I'm about ta go down on one, and it's fuckin gushin red! Disgustin! And pussy has an intelligent designer?! Sho people be sayin "But, Vichizz, that be needed fo child bearin!" Bull fuckin shit! You mean to tell me that the fuckin creator of the goddamn universe can't come up with a betta fuckin' system than dat?! And women be with me on dis one I'm sure! They fuckin hate it, too! I mean, who the fuck wants to bleed fo a week? And get they fuckin cramps?! Glad I have a dick, knowhaddi'msayin? Fuck, if they be a designer, he be a fuckin Stupid Dumbass Designer, call it fuckin SDD, not ID!

See, if it were up to me, I be designin' the pussy a lot bettah. Check dis out. First of all, like I be sayin', no need to fuckin be lubin' it all the time. Second, no fuckin bleedin. But I go one bettah. I make a pussy that acts like a mouth, too. Sho that fucked up, but listen, hear me out! Imagine if you can get sucked and fucked at the same goddamn time! If I'm creator of the universe, and I make pussy like that, there be no need fo heaven! Fo real! Imagine if you fuckin yo bitch, and while yo doin' that, you bein' sucked, too! MMM! Now pussy like that would be da fuckin bomb, yo! Evur man on Earth can get behind me on dat!

Speakin' of behinds...

Tyler: My dad, and some of the parents of some of the other kids in Miss Bell's class, want this thing called intelligent design taught in our school. When we talk about science they want this intelligent design thing talked about along with this weird thing called evolution. They are saying that evolution is against the Bible, that it is saying that Adam and Eve didn't exist. I don't really know what they're talking about. My dad tells me that evolution says that we came from monkies and that it's stupid to say that we came from monkies. I don't see how we can come from monkies. I mean, monkies have baby monkies, not baby people. I asked Miss Bell about it and she said that we won't be getting into evolution until sixth grade but she did say that it was a process that took millions of years. That's a long time! But a million years from now won't monkies still be having monkey babies? Or will they be having, like, lizard babies or something?

Anyway I asked my Dad about that and he got all mad and said that the Earth isn't even a million years old, that it's only two hundred thousand years old or something. I'm getting confused. Why am I being taught things wrong? My dad is very smart. He sometimes watches Jeperdy and gets a lot of the questions right. He knows a lot more than Miss Bell. He says Miss Bell is a dirty hippy that doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground. My mom gets mad at him when he says that.

I asked my dad more about intelligent design. He said since the commie, fag-loving Supreme Court says we can't say God created man any more in school that we can still say that man was designed by a supernatural guy that doesn't have to really be God. He says that him and a cola lission of other parents in town are going to the school board and demanding that we be taught intelligent design. But I'm not sure that's a good idea. I mean, I'm really confused now. Intelligent design says that somebody other than God might have created us. Why would we want to teach everybody that??

This guy named Jack in our class says that his dad says that intelligent design is stupid and that it's not a science and shouldn't be taught in science class. He says there's no experiment that can prove that there's a God. I've done some cool experiments with my chemistry set at home. I tried to think of one that could prove God but there was nothing about that in the instruction manual. I tried mixing everything together thinking maybe it'd do something really cool that would get God to come down or something but all it did was cause a fire! Good thing Dad came in with the fire extinguisher just in time!

After the fire I got to thinking that maybe intelligent design isn't very intelligent. It sounds as stupid as evolution. I mean, if it says that God didn't create us, who did?? The Devil?

Maybe the Devil created Larry, that janitor that was fired last year and went to jail from touching Sally Patterson's privates. I don't know.

Vichizzle: ...and dat's how I would be designin' da ass! Peoples evurwhere be lovin an ass like dat! Especially old folks! Hell, there'd be no mo constipation! Dat right. See? The Vichizz be an intelligent designah! You want some fuckin intelligent design, you come to ME! I be the most fly designer in the goddamn multiverse, fo real! With specialties in pussy and ass! Peace out, muthafuckas!!

11/24/04 == 12/20/04 == 12/21/04 == 12/30/04 == 01/31/05 == 02/10/05 == 02/14/05 == 05/18/05 == 07/25/05 == 09/01/05 == 10/24/05 == 12/22/05 == 07/20/06 == 10/31/06 == 02/07/07 == 07/13/07 == 12/18/07 == 9/17/08

Me: "I've never felt so much like a parent."
Missus: "I know what you mean. One kid throwing up and the other refusing to eat his dinner."
Me: "Actually, I meant cursing and squinting at the directions for this "some assembly required" toy so that it's ready for Christmas."

After last year's eBay shipping fiasco, I vowed not to shop via eBay for Christmas this year. But when the Boy Wonder asked for a Playmobil item that is no longer manufactured, it was eBay or disappointment. This year, not only did I get a deal on the price, but the package came promptly and securely shipped.

Thank goodness I decided to open it last night to make sure all the pieces were there.

The last Playmobil item we bought him, when he was two, required attaching a plastic barn to a plastic base. Open the box, snap, done You're ready to play.

This Playmobil set, for older kids (4 and up), looks simple enough in the picture. And then I open the box to find two dozen sealed plastic bags containing dozens of connectors, doodads, and geegaws required to make the toy operational. The instructions themselves have an inventory key... and they note that I should have 160 little red doodads for assembly. (This toy does not snap together until such time as you attach snaps to every piece that will be connected to another).

So there I was, for TWO AND HALF HOURS, sitting on the floor, snapping little pieces of plastic together to pre-assemble as much as I could and still fit it in the box... and taking pity on all the parents over the years (including mine) that stayed up all night Christmas eve putting together bikes and racetracks and dollhouses and train sets.

It was only after the first hour of intense concentration that I realized the spot in which I had chosen to sit happened to be the very spot in which my little one had thrown up. (The baking soda had removed the offending odor, but suddenly I realized my pants were both damp and caked with baking soda).

Ho ho ho.

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