Tyler Evans, Grade 7, Cedar Ridge Middle School
Vichizzle McNizzle, Pimp Daddy
Obama or McCain?
Vichizzle: Heeeyyy. whaddup muthafuckas? Izzbinawhile, but I's still pimpin' it! So we gots anutha election in the hizz-ZZAY and, as usuals, boy the peeps, they be lathered UP! The fuckas on the Left and the fuckas on the Right be flingin' mo shit at eachutha than the shit-eatin' monkies in Shit Mountain, Afreeeca!
OK so dat be funnier if there was such a place; the Vichizz havin' troubles comin' up wit a good analogy fo the epic amount of beeeeeee-essssss in the current Presidentials.
Anypuss, so we gots two candidates. Barack "I ain't Mooslum I swears!" Obama and John "Ain't like thu utha 43 Whities evah elected, REALLY" McCain! Finally we got a brutha up fo the nation's highest office (well, he half, but he do I guess). And to make it even MO interestin' now, fo only the second time, we gots a bitch up fo second-in-commandin' on thuh utha side! Ho Lee Shitsticks, folks. Twenny-First Century indeed! Where the fuck our flyin' cars? Can you imagine me, cruizin' in thu clouds in mah pimped out sky-ride?! Dat truly be fly, y'all! Fo reeeeeeeeelllll!
So of course everybody automatically assume I votin' for the B.O. cuz he black. Well now hold on a minutes! I not votin' for somebody cuz he happen to have a daddy from Africa. He sometimes whiter than that Eminem shithead! And that sayin' a LOT! I look at his economic "plan." He say he cut taxes on thu middle class but he say he RAISE it on peeps makin' a lot of jack, and lemme tell you, pimpin' be quite lucrative, and I be one of those lucky fuckas who make into thu six figures!
Well, OK, I don't pay no fuckin' taxes on my pimpin', sheeeeaaaattt! But anyways.
But let's look at my utha choice: Whitey John Mick and his Alaskan Beauty Queen, Sarah No-GayMens. "OK so Obama not Wesley Snipes, but you honestly thinkin' about votin' for yet another white boy??!" you migh asks me. "Let's get a brutha in fo a change, shake it up like one of yo hos on the Super Pussy Vibratah 3000!" you might also exclaims. Well, ya gotta knows sumthin', the bizznitch I in, it do bettah when the Re-pube-lickins are happy, because when they happy, the mo hos they want, and the mo jack I make! Knowhaddi'msayin?!
But, at the ass-end of thu day, I guess if I vote, the Obaminator and his cracker runnin mate Joe BiteMe get it, cuz I juss don't think I can bring myself to vote fo anutha Whitey fo Prez. I juss can't!
Tyler: Who we're going to vote for is a problem this time around. Well I cant vote cuz I'm still 12. But my dad, he is like really mad. My mom said he is beside himself. I'm not sure what that means but I guess it means that he doesnt know what to do. He said there was no way in hell that he was voting for that Muslim darky (that was the most polite word he used and I get in trouble for saying some of the other words he says so I don’t think I will). He said that Osama would let all the Muslims take over the country and we’d all be forced to pray to Muhammad Ali (I think he’s a boxer or something) and that he’d also raise our taxes and let all the Mexicans and blacks take our jobs. My dad also said that he’d kill babies if he was elected and let the terrorists win. And isn’t Osama the guy who blew up those buildings in New York, who started that whole thing? After everything my dad says to him I don’t understand why Osama is even a candidate. Why would anybody vote for that?? My dad says he’ll probably be asasinated anyway when Osama gets into office, but still.
But then John McAin picked a woman for his running mate, Sara Paylin. My dad says that McAin is old and if he dies, that would make Sara the Vice President and he doesn’t think a woman should be running the country. He said that he likes how she hunts and likes guns and stuff but that once a month she’d start a new war but I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because they bleed once a month. My dad made me stay home from school when they were doing sex education because he said it was just porno but I heard from my friends everything it said anyway. Like how when the girls bleed it attracts bears. But I’ve never seen any bears around. But anyway, now my dad doesn’t know who to vote for. He says we’re screwed either way. He thinks a woman, as president or vice president, would screw everything up and the only thing she’d be good at is cleaning the White House and cooking McAin’s meals. I thought his wife would do all that anyway.
Some of my friends say their parents are voting for Osama. I wonder why since he’s such a bad guy. They laugh at me when I tell them everything my dad is saying about him. They say he is full of crap. Actually they say that a lot. It makes me mad sometimes. But they say everything he thinks about Osama is lies. They said I even had his name wrong! Im not stupid you know. I know how to spell. My older sister says she's voting for Osama, too. My dad says that's another reason I shouldn't talk to her anymore or her hippie boyfriend that she's shacking up with.
Anyway, I think I agree with my grandpa. He says that he has seen many, many presidents come and go and its always the same, that all they do is spend a bunch of money and give money to their friends and do what the people said who gave them money, no matter what their campain promises are. So I don’t think my dad or mom should worry about it. Maybe they should just say eeny meeny miney moe when they go to vote.
But go and vote anyway because its important, folks! Its important to participate in the democratic process, this one teacher I have says, because that is what being an American is all about. Man I cant wait till I can vote even though it won’t matter because I can finally do my duty as an American.
Vichizzle: What the fuck am I goin on about? I nevah vote anyways. Peace.
11/24/04 == 12/20/04 == 12/21/04 == 12/30/04 == 01/31/05 == 02/10/05 == 02/14/05 == 05/18/05 == 07/25/05 == 09/01/05 == 10/24/05 == 12/22/05 == 07/20/06 == 10/31/06 == 02/07/07 == 07/13/07 == 12/18/07 == 9/17/08