My husband personifies the phrase 'it's okay, I landed on my head!' I have never in my life met anyone who can shrug off injuries like he can.

His mother tells me he's always been a pretty solid guy (a life-long fixation with weight-lifting will do that, I guess), and I've heard some crazy stories from his high-school days, like the time he ran through the safety glass on a fire-door without even slowing down. What really takes the cake though, is the rock-solid numb spot in the middle of his forehead.

During his adolescent growth spurt (culminating in a total height of six feet four inches, or 1.9 metres, for the unimperialistic), knocking his already remarkably thick skull on things became an unfortunate habit. Door frames, light fixtures, rafters, stair wells, cupboard doors, all became victims of the little cranium that could. The result is a spot about two inches (5 cm) square that has absolutely no feeling to it. One of his favorite tricks at parties is opening his mouth and letting someone rap their knuckles on the spot (much like knocking on a door) to produce a hollow sound. We laugh about this a lot, but it wasn't until the following incident that I learned just how solid that spot had become.

The husband brought home an exercise bar one day, one of those coiled steel things that are designed to be bent as a test of strength. I couldn't flex the thing at all, and handed it back to him, giving him the opportunity to impress me with his machismo. And he did! Bent it to a ninety degree angle with relative ease. And then he lost his grip.

TWANG! One end of the bar flew out of his hand, and smacked him right in the middle of the forehead at a speed of roughly way too fast. If this had happened to me, there would have been, at the very least, a bruise of epic proportions and possibly a concussion. In his case, the only pain he suffered was a bloody nose from the bar catching that protrusion on the way up. No bruise, no headache. Nothing.

My husband is unbreakable. I really hope he passes that on to our future kids.

Cassie Stevens
, GAP Cashier
Vichizzle McNizzle, Pimp Daddy


Vichizzle: Whadddup, fellaaahz? I'm here to rap at ya about one uh the issues of duh ages: Porn.. Porn been around evah since they invents the motion picture, y'all. Fuck, even befoe that. If you considers erotic pictures made right aftah they invents the camera. Old black and white titties. Hey, titties is titties, knowhaddi'msayin? Black, white, culuh, whatevah. Ackshooley, they be porn befoe cameras, too, I guess, 'cuz I seen plenty boner-inducin' paintings at they museums, womens all with they titties hangin out in they gardenz, holdin' vases an shit, or layin in they beds waitin for they fellas to come home from ridin horses or whatevah the fuck they be doin back din and give 'em a good fuckin! Aww yeah. They calls it art nowadays, but back then, that be they porn, y'all. Chunky porn, but porn nun-duh-less. (Yeah they like they womens chunky back then.) Just sumthin 'bout those chubby bitches with they big ol' painted titties that gives me a lil' cubby, knowhaddi'msayin?

But anyways, I think I be gettin off on a tangerine. Basically, as you know, I gots no problem with any mannah of fuckin, titties, pussy, cock-suckin, fistin, frottin, titty fuckin, anal penetration... and, well, I could go on and on. The only problem I gots with porn is... it's my numbah one competition!

Yeah, dat right. I much rather the dudes out there be fuckin my bitches rather than they hands while watchin some porn on they boob tubes, ya dig? Hey, ya can't subtitute for the real thing, right?? Right?!? I know porn be cheap, but come on, plunk down a few extra dollah and check out of o' my premium hos! Real fuckin' be my bizznitch! They all disease free... well, except for Laquita, don't be touchin' no Laquita. I saves her for Congressmen and local politicians, ya dig? But anyways, go for the real deal, the real pussy, come on down to Vichizzle's Ho Emporium, where ya like the feel of the pussy real!... and it's a steal... and, uh, what else rhyme with "real?"

Cassie: OK so, like, my boyfriend, you know, he goes up to me one day while I'm trying to work and is like "Hey, I got an idea of how to enhance our love life" and I'm like "Why do we gotta enhance it?" So he's like "we should watch some x-rated movies or something while doing it" and I'm like "Trenton, you're such a fucking dork, you can say 'fucking'" you know? And he's like "OK, fine, let's like watch some dirty movies while fucking" and I'm like "You mean 'porn' right?" and he's like "Yeah, let's watch some porn while making love" and I like roll my eyes and stuff, yeah, like, what-ever. And so anyways I'm like "How can fucking watching porn make our sex better?! I'll tell ya what'll make it better, is if you're not like done in like ten seconds and you didn't roll over and play Xbox right afterwards!" and he's like "Well, whatever, I still think we should try it" and I'm like "Fine, whatever, go get some porn I guess."

Vichizzle: Aww naw, not this bitch again...

Cassie: So anyway, like the next day, we're in his bedroom which is in his mom and dad's basement (yeah, I know) he says "I finally got it!" and I'm like "A life?" and he's like "No, some porn!" and he like pulls out this DVD and, I'm not even fucking joking, the title is "Ass Sluts 6." and on the cover there's this ho sticking her ass in the camera and I'm like "Come on, Trent, you like can't be serious!" and he's like "I am, Cassie, this stuff really works, I hear about it all the time on Howard Stern and shit," and I'm like all sarcastic-like "Oh, yeah, sure, if Howard Stern says it works..." but at that point he's like totally putting the DVD in the player.

So anyway I like reluctantly get in his bed with him and he like starts trying to tear my clothes off and the DVD finally starts after being black for a few minutes and he stops after my bra is off and totally grabs the remote and says "I'm goin' to the good part" and he goes to the chapter "Kimmy takes it up the ass" and it starts with this chick, looks to like totally be my little sister's age and she's goin' down on some guy and I'm like "This is supposed to get me horny?!" I mean, this chick, she's got this huge dick in her mouth and she's like moaning and he's moaning and I'm like "this is just so gross," and Trenton's like "Just keep watching," and then this other guy comes in, this hairy dork with like a full beard and he totally starts ramming his dick right up her ass and I'm like "This shit is sick, dude" and he's all smiling and is like "Yeah, I know," and I'm like "No, like, I mean the bad kind of sick," and he's like "Just open your mind, baby," and I'm like "You are such a perv!" and then he starts kissin on me and shit and suckin my nipples and tryin to get my pants off and even though I'm totally repulsed by it I can't stop lookin at the porn but it totally was not gettin me in the mood, watchin some chick get anal just doesn't do it for me, you know? So I'm like "Dude, I am like soooo not in the mood" and he's like "Why, baby?" fuckin lookin at me with those annoying Bambi eyes and I'm like "Because this shit is fruit" and he's like "No it's not, it's hot," and I'm like "No it ain't!" and I totally break away from him and I'm like "If you wanna get down to business anytime soon you gotta turn this shit off, man!" so he sighs and stuff and is all like whiney and stuff and "aw, man" and whatever so he turns it off.

So it totally takes him a while to get me in the mood again but once we do fuck, it's the same shit it always is, he's done in like ten or twenty seconds (I didn't time it) and whaddya know he fuckin' wants to roll over right afterwards and play "Halo 2" so I'm like so not satisifed and he asks if I want to play a friggin video game and I'm like "Whatever! I don't think so!" I mean, what a fucking dork!

Vichizzle: So I guess if you wants to get yo own self off and that's what you really feel like, porn's fine. But I tellin ya, if you wants some real puss-SAY, come to...

Cassie: So get this! You're not going to fucking believe this! The other day Trenton like totally gets on the porn subject again and he's like "This time I got something good, you're gonna love it, just you wait" and I'm like "Hello? Don't you remember last time?" and he's like "No, this time it'll be different," and I'm like fine, whatever, I mean like, well, I guess it couldn't hurt and all, so we go back to his basement after my shift's over and again right when we start going at it he gets out this new DVD he got from his cousin or some shit. The title is "Just 4 the Girls" and I'm like "Well, this could have some potential" so he pops it in and - no fucking joke! - it's totally two chicks going at it!

Oh. My. God.

First they're kissing an shit and then one starts licking the other's tits and then - ohmygosh - one starts totally going down on the other! I'm like "Ew!" and Trenton's like "What's wrong?" and I'm like "Ew. Ew. EW! Turn this off. What the fuck is wrong with you, you perv!" and he's like "This isn't getting you hot?!" and I'm like "Uh.. NO! Why would you think two chicks gettin it on would get me hot?!" Ohmygosh I was like soooo mad! God he is so stupid sometimes!! I don't know why I even bother with him sometimes! If he like wasn't so cute and stuff and wasn't a big star on the track team I would so have nothing to do with him! Seriously! So like he totally didn't get any from me that night, that's for sure! There was no way after showin me two chicks eatin each other's kooch that I was gonna give any to him, no fucking way!

Vichizzle: Listen! I gots some more to say about fuckin porn, ahhright! So you juss--

Cassie: You know, Trevor, the captain of the football team, he never tries to show me porn before we fuck, lemme tell ya. And he lasts at least, like, two minutes, almost long enough to really get me off, y'know? Trevor's not a little perv dweeb like Trenton. The problem with Trevor is sometimes he smells...

Vichizzle: I fuckin give up...

Tyler: My daddy says porn is bad... that's all I know about it.

This was part of Pornquest 2006.

11/24/04 == 12/20/04 == 12/21/04 == 12/30/04 == 01/31/05 == 02/10/05 == 02/14/05 == 05/18/05 == 07/25/05 == 09/01/05 == 10/24/05 == 12/22/05 == 07/20/06 == 10/31/06 == 02/07/07 == 07/13/07 == 12/18/07 == 9/17/08

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