How to Buy A Condom
(a guide for geeks)
First, a Little Introduction
Ok... the first question I expect from you is "Why are you doing
this?" Simply put, it's funny... or more precisely, I think I can make it
funny. So don't take anything here seriously, just sit back and enjoy it.
Also, I decided to do this instead of my Economics reading,
programming homework, english reading, systems analysis and design
homework.... who? me procrastinate?
Ok - just one serious note: Condoms Are Good. They
prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases (STD's), and
other Bad Things (assuming that you use them of course). Be safe and all that.
Now everyone knows that the proper word for condoms are prophylactics,
but we call them condoms... know why? Because "prophylactic" sounds
pretty wimpy. CON-DOM sounds a lot better, like a
truck tire.... CON-DOM (paraphrased from someone's stand-up comedy act).
Who this is aimed at
This is aimed at any pimply faced teenager that has
ever had the chance of actually having sex (with a real person that is)
slip away because they could not face actually buying those pesky little
condoms. The kind of person who turns red with embarrassment at the mere
mention of the word. Also, anyone who has wondered exactly how
the best way to buy that embarrassing little package is (course, you're not going
to get it here, as I'm just talking out of my ass anyway :)
- Know where you are going to get them. I think the best place to go
is a Pharma-save, London Drugs, or any drug store-like place. If you
have friends that work there... maybe consider traveling to another store,
or perhaps another town. If the drug store is in a mall, make sure
there is parking close by, and if possible, pick one with an outside
entrance (IE: you don't have to walk through the mall to get to it).
- Dress appropriatly. The name of the game here is not making an
impression. You want to be indistinct and unnoticable, but not noticeable
in your un-noticeability. Don't go in with a trench coat and fake mustache,
but on the flip side you don't want to go in speedos! Dress appropriately
for the weather too, you'll seelater on a jacket may be necessary. The jacket
can be a simple leather or bomber - nothing too big or small. Maybe consider putting off any sex until winter.
- Pick up something else. This is very important. This
is not to try to hide your purchase of pecker wrappers from the
check-out person, but from other customers. Nothing too big, nothing
too small. Try a box of Q-Tips or a magazine (not a porno though!).
Kleenex aren't a good idea either.
- Know the target's location in the store. Once you enter the store,
walk casually around until you find where the condoms are. These days
that section is generally called "Family Planning" When you pass it,
don't attract attention to the fact you are passing it! Many people think
that you should make some sort of gesture to indicate that you are repulsed
by what you see. Not so! These actions just draw more attention to you!
Keep your head forward, and quickly scan the display. You have to
pick out the package you want quickly, and that means now.
The last thing you want is to be seen sitting there like a dork staring at
the condom display. Since you are obviously embarrassed by looking at it,
you will have your hands in your pockets. And how do you think it looks
to see someone staring at a condom display with his hands down his pants?
But What if I can't find them?
This can be a dilemma. In small stores, important items (to us
anyway) can be hidden away, or maybe even not sold at all. In big stores,
you can only go through a certain amount of floor space before
your courage runs out. More often than not, though, they are in
such a location in the store that simply makes them hard to find.
Now the big decision is "do I ask?" Do you have the balls (intended
irony) to go up to the counter and ask: "Excuse me, where are the
condoms?" I mean, you know that everyone in the store is going to
hear, and then stare at you until you leave. And what about the
person you ask? Can you ask some old lady that looks like your
granny? Basically you are saying to them:
"I am going to have sex with someone. Please tell me where the
latex devices that keep my sperm in check are."
The ones among us who don't care would simply walk up to the little
old lady, lean on the counter, look her right in the eye and say
"I'm gonna get me some tonight - where's the condoms at?"
I guess the only way to do it is just walk up to the pharmacy
counter (they are normally hidden away a little, and there are
generally more old people hanging around there. Wait until the
pharmacist comes over, and ask. Don't scream from across the room,
wait until they come to you.
- Make the pick-up. You know where the condom rack is, but don't
want to make it obvious that you are heading there. Just "head down
that isle." Stop at the display, pick up a package, and continue
on. Don't spend too much (if any) time comparing prices or
brands... that just gives people more of a chance to laugh at you.
Once you have the package in your hot and sweaty little hands,
put it unobtrusively behind the other item you have picked up earlier.
Don't hide it per-se, but just happen to walk with the
condoms behind the other item.
- Go to the check-out. Just in case you were feeling lucky,
there's sure to be a huge line up at the check-out counter.
Stand tall, head up, but don't look at anyone in the eye. Try
your best to control your sweating palms (another reason for the
jacket). The best position is probably with your hands clasped in
front of you. Standing like this you present the appearance of a
presentable person, and the condom package is
hidden between your body and your other package.
- Pay. Make sure you have enough money beforehand. The last thing you want to do is to have to say to the
check-out person, "could you hold these for me while I go to the bank
Now although you may think that the check-out person will cause
trouble, generally they don't. Unless you make it.
Don't quibble about the price, or try to use a maxed out credit
card. Just hand him/her your packages, and when they tell you
how much you owe, give them the money or card. No trying to be
helpful and giving extra change, and don't sit there pulling change
out of your pockets. Just hand a bill over that is big enough to
cover the price, and take your change (forgetting your change will
cause them to call you back, and everyone will laugh at the guy
who bought the condoms who forgot his change).
- Take the package. 99.9% of the time when you get your purchases
from the check-out person it will be bagged. If for some reason it
isn't, don't complain, remember, subtlety is what we're going for.
Walk away at a normal pace.
If you got the condoms in a bag, make sure the label is not pressing
against the thin plastic. There is nothing like walking through
the mall with "Trojan" tattooed to your plastic bag. The bag can
be hidden in your jacket too.
If there was no bag, zip up the bottom of your jacket, and then
place the purchases in there carefully. Having a box of condoms
fall out in front of that pretty girl from school that you meet
outside the mall who recognizes you is Not Good.
- Escape. Like you were being chased by an angry group of fathers
who were not only bikers, but had also caught you in their daughters
bedroom (which could be what you are hoping for, seeing as you are
buying condoms). When you are out of the building, jog at a good clip
to your car. Don't look back.
What you do after this is your own business :-)
This was originally written by me a while back, posted here for (purely) your amusement. These days I walk into the store and say "Hey, I'm getting me some tonight, where'd ya hide the rubbers?" (honest, really, I do). This node has no purpose other than to get a giggle or three.