Thought: You should spend more time outside.

Action: I went out for a walk today and saw a cute little rabbit in a field. Something chemicaly goes wrong in my head when I see something like a furry woodland critter--the inhibitors that would normally stop an imbecilic outburst do not get produced. I think it's my convulted version of tourette's syndrome. I couldn't stop myself. The surrounding landscape echoed back my childishly high-pitched cry of "BUNNYYYYYY!!!!!"

It looked broken, as if I had somehow perverted its marvelous innocence.

It ran away. I made it run away.

Why do all the pretty things always run away from me?

I didn't accomplish anything today, nothing at all, take that universe, take that! I didn't do anything, but I know I made at least one person smile, so it's okay. Though, I really honestly do need to do some of these things I keep putting off over and over again.

There is talk of moving, relocation. I guess I am moving in August, or something. So terribly undecided, divided, filled with agonizing confusion over the entire ordeal. Moving right along.. don't want to think about it.

We had a thunderstorm today.. lots of lightning and thunder and just now I thought of something and half-expected my ex to call tonight for some unknown reason but that is not where I was going with this train of concious thought. What I was going to say, before that rude little false memory mishap interrupted, was that my little brother managed to slip in that if you stood on the roof and held a potato up into the air, you could bake it with lightning. (And make french fries.) Upon our laughter he interjected, "I saw it on a cartoon!" He was half-joking around, but we couldn't help but laugh uncontrollably at his expense.

I'm so tired right now though I couldn't say why, I think I'm still sort of sick from before, I still have a bit of a cough now and then. I don't have any energy, which is another reason I've not accomplished the things I wanted to. I guess I could start eating and sleeping properly, this is getting a bit ridiculous I guess.

Still don't have my stamps, how insanely annoying.

This daylog is going nowhere at warp speed. I'll add more later, when something actually happens.

Going slowly insane

While the fractured hand has stabilized enough within the cast so that I can type, I cannot hold a pen and thus cannot write in my journal. This is a bad thing. I feel like I'm all stopped up inside... like experiences and feelings are accruing in me with no outlet.

I suppose this would be tolerable if I were having a normal time of things... but I am not. In fact this is an extremely abnormal time. The dissolution of the company I helped found... all of this strange free time in between intense due diligence by prospective buyers. I've met a couple of cool new people...

But I can't write about any of it. Not in the manner I normally do... the tradition I've formed is on hold.

The result is that I've become a bit a-emotional. Perhaps stunned... like too much toxic residue is forming in me. I've taken to walking everywhere rather than driving. I've probably put 15 miles on my shoes since last Wednesday. That has helped... If I can't write at least I've had the extra time to think.


Kessenich: Thanks for the feedback. The discrete things I'm experiencing aren't soul-rending bad - they're nasty but tolerable. It's the combinationh of events and not being able to hold a pen and scratch them out into my tomes that makes this so trying. They're unexercised... laying about inside me. Gnawing.

I do notice the other walkers. I don't think I will join them ultimately. The cast is off in a little more than a week. Then I'll do much writing.

To put this in a bit of perspective I'll let on that I've been keeping a journal since I was 12. Now I'm 27 so that makes for 15 years of it. Since around the age of 18 I've been writing at least once a day - often two and three times a day. I can't remember the last time there was even a one-week break in my journaling. If I misplace a book for a while or leave my backpack somewhere, I usually just pry open a new book and consolidate the writing later.

(re: arrowfall's write-up above) Walking long distances when you're emotionally stunned/numb/weighed down/eviscerated is almost the only thing you can do. If it's bad enough, it seems that people either go into hibernation and stop eating, working, and showering, or walk. I knew a dude who walked almost all of his waking hours after his fiance (or "financier," as Gene Wilder said in Young Frankenstein) broke off their engagement. He got to recognize other people walking, said that there were always the same people, and one day he realized that he had become one of them, like it was an unspoken community. Move or curl up and die.


Today I have to get my car stereo taken care of. The connection to the battery (I think) is flaky, so sometimes it works, but more often it doesn't. There's been enough 'quiet time' lately. Actually, I'll just devote today to my car: wash it, wax it, treat the leather. Sing to it. Nuzzle it. Whatever. My car doesn't tell me that we're incompatible (of course, there's a lot that it doesn't do....) I also have to take it to the mechanic this week.

Sorry to give off these negative vibes, but I think that today is going to suck about as much as yesterday.

Back to IPX.


update

I didn't do a damn thing with my car except drive it home from work. What the hell did I do, anyway...I read more of my book Secondhand, watched The Holy Grail on DVD (I told him we already had one), and got some action!. So it didn't suck at all.

13:04 EET

Phew.. I haven't often felt this exhausted after 3 nights of long and solid sleep.

The all-weekend IRC channel get-together was quite a kickass event. There was nothing that special really: just 10 people, a nice house with a great balcony, some alcohol and a lot of herbal remedies.
Yes, some of us were pretty damn stoned for the whole weekend. And we had a great time, as did the sober and drunken ones. My sincere apologies to everybody offended by this.

I'd love to give you a detailed account of the things that went on. But to be honest, saturday (as well as most of the friday) remains a bit blurry. But we had a barbecue, kicked eachothers asses in Soul Calibur, watched some movies, and some used the sauna excessively. A few out-of-towners visited the local night club, and their 3-hour-departure-project was extremely amusing to watch. They surprisingly did make it before closing time.
Yep, all this doesn't sound that exciting at all, but believe me - nobody got bored. ;)

As you might guess, I'm having another productive workday here. I am very grateful to my client for being late with material deliveries and other required input. This means I can more or less weasel out of work. My brain is still a bit too slow to handle any serious business today.

Late saturday night I noticed there is some strange synergy between psychedelic trance and synchronized swimming on TV. Somebody should investigate this further...


13:20 EET

Ok, this is freaky. In my dream log for June 24th I mentioned seeing a box set released by De La Soul. Today there are news about them releasing a 3-record-box soon.
I must be related to Nostradamus or something. Too bad I haven't liked rap since I was 11 years old.

Mmm ... my first entry in this daily spill of brains.

I guess I'll start with reading how and what one does when writing a diary on E2.

Anyway, first thought that enters my mind is: where is my roommate ? He's always in bed when I wake up (and also when I go to bed). Probably been kidnaped or something ... it's not gonna occupy my mind, cuz I've got everything to deal with.

Today I'm gonna have a few appointments:
  • dentist - is there a better way to start the day ?
  • VC number 3 - Where's the internet money when you need it ? Hello !!! I'm starting an internet business here. (Where did the time go that the only thing you had to do to get seed capital was to merely mention a vague idea and your intention to build it huge ?
  • SvP - one of the two designers on our team. (The navigation will not work the way they envisioned it _ BULL, the technology is there ... they just need to actually open up one of their manuals and RTFM !

All in all it should be a normal day in the life of a part time college student, e-entrepreneur and enjoyer of life :-)

See ya tomorrow.

12:40 UTC

Greetings fellow noders. I've finally decided to plunge head-first into Everything, and not only increase the ratio of nodes I've noded to nodes I've read, which is currently very low, but write day logs as well. So here we are.

Today I plan to:

Ideally I'd also finalise the summer job with a potential employer writing Perl to make a web page run by the company more dynamic, but while he says he wants to employ me, and the sort of money I asked for looked okay (he asked me how much he should pay me!), he is doing approximately nothing with relation to me, and I don't know how much he'll actually pay me, or when I'll start. Grrrr!

21:33 UTC

Looking back at what I wrote this morning, I think I didn't do much today at all. However, while I don't get to tick off any of those bullet points, I did I did lots of useful stuff too. I drove to Perth (the Scottish, not the Australian one), my nearest useful town and back without doing anything stupid. You never know, I might get round to getting a test soon, then pass. Anyway, while I was there I bought three shirts and a pair of trousers for the bargain price of £50. Very good quality too.

I bought other stuff too, of course - a VISA card makes it so easy to spend. Oh, and I closed a bank account, moving some money into another branch. It seemed to be more troublesome than it probably should have been; it's not really in their interests to streamline the process, is it? Well, to be fair, they were quite helpful after all.

I probably shouldn't have smoked those joints this morning, probably shouldn't have gone to work when I discovered I was stoned like hell, probably shouldn't have told the bus driver I was happy, so fucking happy, so fucking goddamn happy. Most certainly I shouldn't have smoked that other joint in front of my office. Oh well.

Other people probably never go sober to work, but to me it was a virginal experience. Even though I felt totally giddy, the day started out quite normal and when I entered the office my colleagues were talking their usual monday morning nonsense as if they didn’t realize they had been talking the same bullshit for 20,000 monday mornings in a row now. Oh, how lovely their little shrieks when they saw me – a thousand dancing seagulls welcoming me to the flock - and oh, how cheerful their questions about my weekend and how witty my reply which seemed hilarious to me at that moment but can't have been more than a simple '’t was fine'. Now normally, when I’m high or stoned, I get those really neat philosophical thoughts but this time all I could think of were James Brown lyrics, of which I suddenly understood the intellectual depth and beauty (I moaned on the melody of ‘make it funky’ once or twice, but I don’t think anyone noticed). Things got out of hand when a customer named D. Man called, and I actually started telling the guy about everything2.com and oh, oh, such a coincidence for we had a noder called DMan, hee-hee, such a coincidence, coincidence, coincidence! When the customer ended the phone call I suddenly felt totally relaxed and careless and when other customers called I just listened to them saying ‘Hello? Anyone there?’ untill I got tired of the game and pulled out the plug. It was about then that Bones said something like ‘Bill Gates has died !! No shit!!’ in the chatterbox and I thought to myself ‘If Gates is dead, then what the fuck am I doing here?’ and I shut down my NT workstation and walked away, out of the office, forgetting my coat.

I wish I would have learned something about life, mental strength or infinity today, but I’m not even sure I learned anything about the effect drugs have on me. The one thing I did learn is never to trust anything said in the chatterbox again, something I should have figured out months ago.

Oh papa! He's doing the Jerk
Papa...he's doing the Jerk
He's doing the twist ... just like this,
He's doing the Fly ev'ry day and ev'ry night
The thing's....like the Boomerang.
Hey....come on
Hey! Hey.....come on
Hey! Hey....he's pu tight...out of sight...
Come on. Hey! Hey!

<< week | July 2, 2000 | July 3, 2000 | July 4, 2000 | week >>

Everything's Best Users Snapshot


   #   Users                   XP   wa7   inc Level   l_XP l_wa7
    
   1   Pseudo_Intellectual  17054   130   139    11  16915   128
   2   DMan                 15268   180   144     9  15124   186
   3   dem bones            13664   122   232    11  13432   104
   4   Segnbora-t           11039    96   104    10  10935    95
   5   Saige                10794    72    13    10  10781    82
   6   pukesick              9330    14    13    10   9317    14
   7 * sensei                8188   114   111     7   8077   115
   8 - dannye                8167   115    90     9   8077   119
   9 * Deborah909            8020    42    69    10   7951    37
  10 * N-Wing                7756    28     1     9   7755    33
  11 * tregoweth             7738    85    22    10   7716    95
  12 - jessicapierce         7686   -54  -376    10   8062     0
  13   Jet-Poop              7581    77    20     9   7561    86
  14   Lometa                7176    67    86     9   7090    64
  15   ideath                7081    57    19     7   7062    63
  16 * knifegirl             7036    57   151     9   6885    41
  17 - yossarian             6981    33    24     9   6957    35
  18 - JeffMagnus            6902    20    15     9   6887    21
  19 * /dev/joe              6789    74    80     8   6709    73
  20 - pingouin              6769    20     6     9   6763    22
    
  21   Tem42                 6667    47    16     8   6651    52
  22   ModernAngel           6507    12    15     9   6492    12
  23   General Wesc          6357    29     9     9   6348    32
  24   moJoe                 6217    52    43     9   6174    54
  25   hoopy_frood           5947    18    21     8   5926    18
  26   novalis               5789    28    80     9   5709    19
  27   bozon                 5614     8     3     9   5611     9
  28   Sylvar                5090    67    65     7   5025    67
  29   juliet                5024    32     4     9   5020    37
  30   RockLobster           4980    25     2     9   4978    29
  31   alex.tan              4956    27     2     7   4954    31
  32   Templeton             4884    54     3     5   4881    63
  33 * Uberfetus             4862    50    57     6   4805    49
  34 - nine9                 4856    11     3     9   4853    12
  35 - yam                   4817    10     1     7   4816    11
  36   bitter_engineer       4605    54    94     7   4511    47
  37   hamster bong          4581    84    92     5   4489    83
  38   sabre23t              4518    52    40     6   4478    54
  39   Sarcasmo              4354     5     2     8   4352     5
  40   kessenich             4301    31    50     9   4251    28
  41   ariels                4262     9    12     8   4250     9
  42   knarph                4060    26     4     9   4056    30
  43   wharfinger            3953    46    57     5   3896    44
  44   CaptainSpam           3893    18     9     8   3884    20
  45   Lord Brawl            3810    31     5     8   3805    35
  46   ailie                 3694    12    -1     7   3695    14
  47 * Orange Julius         3644    24     7     7   3637    27
  48 * 65535                 3643    35    37     5   3606    35
  49 - Woundweavr            3642     9     4     8   3638    10
  50   Quizro                3596     7     3     8   3593     8
  51   hatless               3541    18     3     8   3538    20
   *   EBU #51               3541    21     3     *   3538    24
 

Server time: 14:38 Mon Jul 3 2000 UTC, corrected since June 29, 2000

* = users rising up in the EBU; - = users falling down in the EBU
l_ = last (previous) value; inc = increase in stats value
wa7 = ((stats + (6 * l_wa7))/7) = weighted average with denominator 7

sabre23t: Random Nodes

sabre23t: Nodes to node

I felt really bad earlier. I realized I don't care to read a lot of the personal nodes on e2. I care to read the ones of people I am familar with online, or off. BTW..

ophie I hope you are well, I haven't called because I figure you are all yucky feeling.. I am sure craig is taking good care of you.. call me soon


...

Anyway.. My ankle doesn't hurt anymore. I have been doped up because of it. I also realized I may have a crush on a noder. I will node more later.. I am still kind of groggy.
Breathe in... Breathe out...
Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump
Breathe in... Breathe out...
Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump

It's quiet in my room this late at night, only the gentle hum of my computer, the occasional woosh of a passing car. And, of course, my own labored, slightly heavy breathing, accented by the staccato pounding of my heart.

Idly, I wonder if this is what it's like to be shell shocked. Perhaps, I reflect, I should have gone to see some movie other than The Patriot. After all, I saw Chicken Run on Saturday, and it didn't leave me feeling like this.

I don't want to give away any of the movie, but I doubt that anyone will be suprised to hear that there's a good deal of death in it. It's quite graphic in some spots, but there was one death that bothered me a great deal, because the character bore a very striking resemblence to someone I know and used to have very strong feelings for.

Well, now that I've written this, I've calmed down a bit, and I think I'm finally in a position to get some sleep. I'll just keep telling myself "It's not real. it's only a movie. It's not real. It's..."

Well this node actually starts a little prematurely. I am going to start noding with events that happened at about 11PM Sunday because that node is already so long!

This is the last day of my NSane NSync weekend. In quick summary, Friday we went to the show in Cleveland, and while there we scored passes for the MeetNGreet and for the concert in Buffalo on Sunday. On Saturday we found out what hotel the guys would be staying at in Buffalo and we went to the show that night. On Sunday we went to the MeetNGreet and got to speak to them for an extremely short period of time and we caught the show in Buffalo also. Now it is 11PM, the show has ended and we are arriving at our hotel, which we purposely picked thinking that NSync would be staying there as well.

To get in the hotel we have to walk through the hourdes of girls standing outside, waiting to catch a glimpse of the guys. We hear that NSync has already entered the hotel and everyone is waiting for them to come back out. While we are checking in at the front desk we hear an employee telling an older couple not to worry, its just because of the rock group that is staying here and that they are checking out right now. Carin looks pretty bummed cos this means they won't be staying the night. We get our hotel keys, find out we are staying on the fourth floor and Carin says she wants to stay down in he lobby so that we can see them as they walk out. I didn't want to do that, I just wanted to go upstairs. It was just one of those feelings I had.

So I told Carin that I was going upstairs and she said she would wait in the lobby cos she didn't want to miss them in the elevator. When I got to the elevator there was a big bodyguard waiting there. The elevator opened and when I got in I noticed that it had opened on both sides and two girls had snuck in on the other side. The girls were all excited and wanted to go to the fourth floor, cos that's where they were. I thought, no way, they can't be on the fourth floor cos that's the floor I am on and that kind of stuff never happens to me! So the bodyguard kicked them off the elevator and I went up to the fourth floor. When I got off the elevator and it had left it suddenly occurred to me that I knew I was supposed to be on the fourth floor but I didn't know what room I was in. I was too lazy to go all the way back downstairs so I decided to listen and see if I could hear someone talking and then I would knock and ask if I could use their phone to call downstairs. Well the first door I came to I could hear people talking so I knocked. A girl answered the door and I asked to use her phone and she said, 'We don't have a phone!' and closed the door. As she was closing the door I looked over her shoulder and there was Justin on the phone!!! I couldn't believe it! But then I thought, well wait, there is a guy from Girls and Boys United who looks a lot like Justin maybe that's who it was? BR>
So I ran downstairs and made Carin follow me up to our room. I tried to explain to her what was going on as we were headed upstairs in the elevator....she didn't even believe me! It's not that she thought I was lying, it was just that she couldn't believe that it could be happening! So we got to our room and just as we closed the door we heard the door across the hall open and she looked out the peephole and it was Jusin! Carin opened the door and said hello to him and said great show tonight. He said thank you, sorry I'm walking so funny, I hurt my neck. And he then walked down the hall towards everyone else's room.

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