Oakland lost!!! I'm not a happy camper today. But congrats to the Tampa fans. Hehe teasing, congrats guys, next year it's AWWWNN.

I've been thinking alot today about the lag here at E2, wondering how many people get irritated with the slow speeds at times? Well I'd like to say this and it's just my 2 cents ok? If you have not donated to the operation here than you have yourself, and everyone else who has not donated, to thank for the lag. I think those of us who haven't donated yet need to give it some thought.

Imagine the time you, yes you, spend here at E2, imagine how much you'd pay for one nights entertainment at the local bar, or movie theature. Imagine if everyone addicted to Everything donated just one night's enteratinment worth of funds to E2? Or at least lets get realistic and imagine just the top 10,000 users / lurkers here did so.

I suppose that's unrealistic, most people don't take the time to think about this, or have higher priorities than this place that provides them with so much entertainment.

Lets think realistically then? What's E2 worth to you? Say if they decided to stop taking on the burden of the costs associated with it? If E2 were to disappear tommorow would YOU think it would have been worth a buck a month? 2? maybe 3? You pick a figure that's within YOUR budget - 12 a month? a year? 24? 36? AND send em a check.

What those in charge choose to spend it on is entirely up to them so if the server doesnt' get any faster, perhaps it's because they are choosing to spend it on past bills, or a well earned vacation to Jamaica (Trust me, stay at the Grand Lido and visit Hedonism if this is your choice) Or perhaps they need to spend every dime on therapy since I'm sure this place has driven them cccrrraaazzzzyyyy by now.

I figure since I spend oh 3 hours a day here (you buy that don't you???? Good!!!) it's worth at least 3 bucks a month to me, I pay that much for a double mocha, so I plan to put my money where my mouth is.

I honestly hope I haven't offended anyone with this lil rant, I just speak the truth. Let's all do a little, I can't imagine $12.00 being to much for anyone, but if it is send 'em what you can, everything adds up!

Your say $12, $24, $36 bucks or what-have-you may not seem like alot to you but it would really add up if we all just said "oh sure I can spare it" - it's what .05 cents for every hour I spend here a month?"

If I have you motivated - try the Donation Box for more info!

Oh and for all those who do contribute reading this - thanks - this place is awesome and ya'all make it possible :)


see also:

Everything2 Clearing Up Some Misconceptions: Donation Box and

Why I still pay (part of) E2's bills
So, the weekend was a total disaster, but that's okay, seeing as I'm in love. As I mentioned in my daylog on Saturday, Eun Jung decided to cancel our planned ski trip, for reasons I still don't know. She's never been skiing before, so maybe she's just scared. Anyway, we decided to take the bus to Gwangju to see a movie and meet up with my friends.

Things got off to a bad start. Friday night, I told her that we should meet at the bus station at 3:30. I usually call her I leave to meet her anywhere, but for some reason, this time I assumed that she'd just be there at 3:30. She wasn't. A little past 4:00, I called her house to see if she was on the way. Nope. She was still at home, waiting for me to call and tell her that I was leaving my apartment. She showed up a little past 4:30, so we were already more than an hour late.

Because Lunar New Year is coming up, the traffic from Suncheon to Gwangju was insane. Once we got into Gwangju, it was even worse. Gridlock as far as the eye could see. The bus trip, which usually takes about an hour, took, in total, more than two and a half hours, about an hour of which was spent after entering Gwangju, just getting to the terminal.

By this time, it was too late for the 7:30 showing at the movie theaters, and the next one was at 9:50, so we decided to forget about it and go on Sunday. Instead, I took her to Orange Hill, for fajitas, which she'd never tried before (in small town Korea, you pretty much can't get anything except Korean, Chinese, Japanese or Italian). They were delicious.

Then we were supposed to meet up with my friends. Except that it turned out that Andy was on vacation back to his home in the U.S.A. and Betsy was, of all places, in Suncheon, where we'd just come from, visiting friends there. That left Joel, Diane and Adam. Two of Andy's middle school students (twins) were having a birthday, and since Andy couldn't be there, he'd asked Joel to take them out to a noraebang (karaoke parlor) to celebrate. Diane was feeling sick, and went home almost immediately after we met up with them. Adam had drank too much the night before, and was worn out, so he went home about an hour later. That left Eun Jung and I with a bunch of the new teachers at my old hagwon (private academy) who had started working after I left. I'd only met them twice before, and they didn't speak any Korean, so Eun Jung kind of got left out. That meant that I couldn't really socialize too much with them, or Eun Jung would be totally ignored, so I spent the night talking to her, and we both felt a bit excluded. I assured her that next time, I'd make sure my close friends would be available, and that they would be much more outgoing and friendly than this bunch. (Not that these people were unfriendly... just they didn't know me very well, and couldn't communicate with Eun Jung)

Anyway, the people living in the apartment I used to live in let us stay there, since there are two couches. In the morning, Eun Jung and I got up, and went downtown to get some food (mmmm... kimchi chigeh... been a while since I've had that) and watch a movie. To add insult to injury, it decided to rain. We decided on Catch Me If You Can (it was quite good), the 1:30 showing. Then we went to a coffee shop to kill time and stay out of the rain until the movie started. After that, we went back to the apartment (I'd forgotten my glasses there), then caught a bus back to Suncheon. At least the traffic wasn't bad.

So, all in all, it would have been a moderately terrible weekend under ordinary circumstances. I didn't mind though, because being with Eun Jung was enough. I don't think she minded too much either. Of course, I hope it goes better the next time we decide to take a trip together. We've got a long weekend coming up (Lunar New Year), and neither of us have plans, but I don't particularly fancy trying to go anywhere, since the traffic will be even worse than it was this weekend.

To you, who needs to hear this now - and you know who you are - I love you. I always have. When we were children crawling through the back hallways of the church, or running wild through the woods around my house, or just generally making life hell for our parents, you were my best friend and I loved you.

You are a wonderful, precious person, and you deserve so much more than what you have. I understand the place you are in now, and I know how horrible it is. I have been there. I have tried to escape through the same means you are considering. But it won't work. There are those who love you who will not let you go - myself included. And you will hit rock-bottom much quicker if you try to escape this way. From where you are now, you have a chance to begin the climb out of the shadowy abyss without hitting the hard, jagged rocks at the bottom. And yes, I know it is hard. But it is the best and ultimately least painful thing you can do now.

I wish I could take it all away, and make everything better for you, but I can't. I can only be here for you, and let you know that I love you, and that I always will.

In anticipation of 30 weeks off

I teach at a large public university. Fall semester ended a little over a month ago, and Spring term starts tomorrow. Most faculty are feeling pretty low right now, or at least wistful - however much we enjoy teaching, most of us are full of foreboding about ill-prepared courses, about research work that didn't get done over break, and all that. Some faculty are insecure. Some faculty hate teaching. An hour ago I talked to one of my colleagues, who is not yet hysterical but knows she will be soon. She can feel it coming on inexorably. All she can do is wait for it.

And me? I'm neither wistful nor hysterical, nor will I be any time soon. I have the whole Spring term off - "Junior Research Leave", it's called. "Junior" means I don't have tenure yet, and "research leave" means they actually pay me while exempting me from all my teaching and "service" (committee) obligations, so that I can produce a better portfolio of publications for my tenure case. I already have a pretty good portfolio, but I certainly wouldn't turn down an offer of a whole semester of paid free time.

Dr. Johnson says a diary should record chiefly your mood - such facts as what you did and what the weather was will rarely be of interest in the future, so keep them to a minimum. Well, a fact or two will set the tone for my mood: As of tomorrow I will have 210 consecutive days to do pretty much whatever I might want to do. That's 30 weeks, about 7 calendar months. My mood? Better to ask how my mood would be if I used these 7 months on something ordinary.

More facts: I'm not entirely without teaching and service commitments this term. I have taken on a single independent study student, a brilliant graduating senior who I want to train in one of my specializations before he leaves. And I will attend two short meetings at school tomorrow, to tie up loose ends from last term. And from then on, I will just do my own thing. Meetings, of course, are the greatest wasters of an academic's time. They often accomplish nothing at all, and you sit there grieving for the precious minutes that tick away as you listen to some dope going on about some stupid administrative matter that's going to be mishandled no matter how hard you try to prevent it. I think the public at large has no idea how much inanity professors have to survive every week, in order to live the much touted life of the mind. My mood? 7 months without committees is a rare blessing!

More facts: I have a great deal of work I'm preparing to get done, and I'm trying to be realistic about how many new projects to undertake, how much time to "waste" on trips and conferences, things I ordinarily get a lot of pleasure out of during the regular term. I am quite isolated from most other people who have enough training to understand the things I'm interested in professionally, so going to a meeting somewhere else is the only way I can hang out with my buddies for any length of time and swap ideas. Now that I have 7 whole months to cultivate my own ideas, I'm a little jealous of how much of that is going to be lost to the unproductive parts of conference travel. My mood? I'd say my mood is optimistic but wary - I can anticipate how I terrible will feel if I have too little to show for the time once it's gone, and intend to try to forestall that.

How do you forestall remorse over lost time? Plan your time like a miser planning a shopping trip. From today, I'm not allowed to read the news till I've had my morning walk, otherwise I won't get around to the walk and I won't be as productive over the course of the day. I mustn't take on any book reviews or new conference papers till the big work gets done. I have to take breaks from work during the day - do most of the shopping and cooking, which my wife ordinarily does when I'm teaching. I have to keep a diary listing all the work I've gotten done each day. (This last is a superb way to keep from feeling guilty at what you've left undone.) My mood? I've already gotten a lot of work done over break, and the new schedule I'm keeping gives me a feeling of excited anticipation.

The truth is, most professors handle their research as sloppily as most college students handle their homework. I've seen many colleagues take a semester off and come back groaning about having gotten hardly anything done. I feel confident I can avoid having to groan about that next August.


last day-log entry: January 26, 2003 | next: January 30, 2003

The way she looked at children left no doubt about what she wanted most of all, a child of her own. That dream was transparent to anyone watching, not that many people seemed to watch. You see Cindy seemed to have a way of making herself invisible. Not to me (never to me), but to other people. To me she was always the most obvious thing in the room, there might as well have been a spotlight on her, she was that radiant.

Cindy had a habit of showing up to any event just late enough to avoid any unstructured socializing, and then leaving early enough to avoid the same at the tail end. Or perhaps that isn't true. Perhaps I put that attribute on her too early, simply based on the fact that I can never seem to get as much as a minute alone with her.

In any case Cindy was a bit of an oddity, a somewhat attractive Christian girl who managed to make it all the way to age 25 without getting engaged. The sheer oddity of her availability often served to plant ideas in mind as to why? Was she incredibly picky? Did she have some dark side to her personality that scared men away if they got too close? It certainly wasn't her looks. She was cute in the librarian sort of way, thin, quiet, long red hair, a few freckles and a skin tone that suggests that they multiply during the summer.

It was 8 years ago that I first saw her. I was 17 and she was the girl who worked at the Christian bookstore. I had a minor crush on her even back then. Nothing too major, I would just see her at the store, and hope she would talk to me. That never quite worked out, and at age 19 I joined the Army, but I never forgot about Cindy.

The years passed, Cindy always lingered somewhere in the back of my mind, at the very edge of conscious thought. Every few months or so I would be talking "shop" with the guys, and Cindy would pop into my head, just a tinge of regret about the road not taken. Every few years I would actually see Cindy somewhere, the shopping mall, Mc Donalds, or even in traffic. So I was never quite able to forget her.

As the years passed 17 year old Paige turned into 25 year old Paige. One of my friends started mentioning "Cindy" who they assured me that I would be totally into. I am always intrigued by such statements, so I asked for a few details. Thin, quiet, and red hair, was really the only details that my friend could provide, but that was enough. I had already associated the two Cindys in my mind. A week later I found out that they were one and the same.

We went to a Sunday night after church event at the house of a friend. Cindy showed up 30 seconds before it actually got started. I was relieved in some weird sort of way to see that she was the same Cindy I thought she would be. I felt kind of like I already knew her, when I didn't really. She was mostly quiet, but when she did speak it was something worth hearing. I hung on her every word, and was thoroughly smitten by the end of the evening. She gave me some advice on an issue I brought up to the group, and that was the closest thing to a conversation we have ever had.

The weeks went by and all of a sudden I was 15 years old again. I could not manage to open my mouth to speak to this girl, other than to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when she showed up at an event (usually arriving late and leaving early). It was a combination of nervousness and dumb luck, and it just kept getting worse and worse. I could not do a thing to break the ice with this girl.

Until tonight.

Cindy arrived hours late for Kyle and Whitney's Super Bowl party, and only stayed 20 minutes. She sat right next to me, but then proceeded to alternate speaking with Becky to her right, and making goo goo eyes at baby Tyler who was sprawled out on the floor in front of the television. I sat there laughing at myself for my inability to speak. When she got up to leave she said goodbye quietly to the room. I said goodbye, as did two other people, then something possessed me to say goodbye again as loudly as I could without yelling. That second goodbye finally managed to get her attention. She smiled the biggest smile and shushed me and said "quiet exit", and then left, still smiling.

I somehow thought I would need to hear more, but somehow that was all I needed to hear. My fears and doubts melted with that smile and those two little words. Maybe I'll only get three words out of her next time, maybe four. But I am not going to have any problems speaking to her any more, that much I am certain of.

To fully prepare you for this story I must first introduce you to the members of the cast, as it were. Enter jam, jack and dave. Say hello.

So there we were, sitting in jam's room enjoying what could not be described as a small smoke, when each of us in turn was hit by a truly vicious affliction that we called the munchies (it must be noted that while we all lived this red eyed lifestyle we truly believed that we had coined the many stoner phrases that all are familiar with).

Maybe fifty yards away from the front door of jam's house there was located that amazing establishment known as Spar. Ahh, Spar what delights I have plucked from the bosom of your treat-filled interior.

However, much to my horror and dismay I found that it was well on the way to being 10:34, which meant that Spar had been closed for a triumvirate of minutes. At this point I screamed 'Holy mackeral!'. When asked by my as-yet silent friends why this unexpected outburst had occurred, I informed them of my findings and they then joined me in sitting silently trying to work out a solution. Dave, though we must remember that the boy's brain was truly on its way to being pickled, stupidly suggested that we go to Safeway.

"Why don't we, like, go to Safegay (so called because of the horrendously early time that it closed) and get some of those baked goods that are cheap because they have existed for too long?"

We explained to our now going-a-whitish-sort-of-green-coloured friend that this option was now completely out of the question due to the fact that Safegay had been closed for 2hrs and 35mins. We sat.we pondered. Then we decided to skin up and have a bifta while we mulled it over. In the end we forgot all about our predicament and put 'Waiting for the World' on and after that we watched 'Teachers'.

The reason I am saying this is because it is now almost 2 years since the events of that evening and for some reason I just remembered that we never got our munchies. But then the only place that sold the sort of food we were after was a garage 2 miles away, and it was expensive anyway.

The Message You Will Never Get

Last night..........oh last night. You weren't meant to be there, I thought I'd got it right. When I walked down the corridor, I knew it was you. I could smell you and there was no other way out. No other way to leave. And the look in your eyes, the sound of your voice, your smile. You looked straight into my eyes, not a fleeting glance, not a dismissive 'Hi', not the look of 'just a friend'. You looked right into me, into my heart, such an intense look, so much feeling there. Those beautiful grey eyes. You held me with that look. And the tenderness in your voice, and the regret.

I looked into your eyes, I spoke, and I ran away, literally ran. I am such an idiot, such a fool. What must you think?

And I don't know what you saw in my eyes when you were looking into my heart.

As I'm reading other people's stuff (sorry, if you didn't want me to read it) I notice that Superbowl parties tend to bring some sort of romantic feelings. You know what, I am included in this movie-like scenario too.

Last night I went to a Superbowl party at my friend Tim's place. Tim is a lot older then me and he has a son my age, but he is one of my best friends. He has a big high definition projector and screen down in his basement. His house is the best place to watch anything. That night a bunch of my friends (mostly from church) were there. There was a good mix of guys and girls and the funny thing was, we all acted pretty adult-like. Most of it was because most of the girls I have known for a long time were there. Especially one girl in particular. My feelings for Kari are very strong and I made the big mistake of making it very obvious. She is a mature person, who when something gets in the way of something else, the something must be put off for awhile. I was the something. I hadn't really seen or talked to her in over a month. We are good friends, but I know she's been avoiding me. I know she has feelings for me. Many of you are probably asking me in your heads right now, "Why doesn't he just go after her?" The main reason I don't is because it's not time yet. I am 17 and I vowed to my God that I would not date until I was 18, which by the way is only 2 months away. Also, so much is going on right now (mostly on her side) that the best thing to do right now is wait.

The party was awesome. I am not much of a football fan, but when I realized Tampa Bay was winning, I was happy. I came early to help clean-up and decorate. When she came in, I was sitting at the table and my heart was beating a hundred miles an hour. When she finally said hi, I said calmly, "Oh, hey. Nice to see you here." She said, "Yeah, you too". The whole night I would find myself just staring at here and then I would catch myself and get back to whatever I was doing.

At the end of the night, most of the people had left the house. I was leaving out the door with my group, when as I stepped out of the door I noticed my car shimmering under the streetlamp light. My car is not supposed to shimmer. It's covered in dirt. Someone had Saran wrapped my car. Not only that, they smothered honey on top of it. I knew immediatley who it was. One of my best friends, Ezra, who was driving off in his car. I started to chase him down, while shouting obescenities that I hoped he could hear with the window closed. With a sigh, I looked at my car. It wasn't that bad. I started to clean it all off and Kari was right there to help me. She encouraged me to get him back and I assured her I would. Kari and her sister are notorious in our church for these kind of pranks. Only theirs our most of the time worse then what Ezra did to me. I was so glad to have her on my side.

As I looked at her, everything about her just brought me peace and happiness. Her smile, her eyes, here hair; they were all comforting and beautiful to me. The thing I fell most in love with that night though is her personality. She brightens up the room whenever she walks in, because she radiates with sharp wit, stunning maturity, awesome humor and a beautiful mind. 2 months seems so far away.

I don't know. I think that today was o.k. I will propose to my girlfriend, who I sadly admit has only been my girlfriend for near three months. I must say though that we hit it off better than I could have expected. We met eachother and 2 hours later we were sleeping side-by-side in the back of my Toyota Previa, listening to the wind howling outside on the barren rock that is Fort Flagler. Now she will be my wife. I don't know what to say to that. I thought that I would be superpsyched but I'm not. I don't known what I'm feeling...

I just know that I love her with all of my heart, and that without her I never would've gotten through the tough times. You see, two Fridays ago I tried to commit suicide and I couldn't finish the job, because I kept thinking that my beloved Brigid would do the same, if she learned of what I had done. Now I merely have a scar on one wrist to show for it. The thought of her life kept me alive.

What is it that brings people together? What is it that allows to souls to inhabit one body? I don't know what it is, but what I do know is that I like it, and that I will never, so long as I live, stop loving my Brigid. Even when I am so angry that I wish she would die, I still love her. I don't know what it is, but whatever it is, it is the one thing that holds people together, for a lifetime of happiness.

Buddha's compassion go with you...

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss
A sigh is just a sigh
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by

Time passes so quickly. The years pile up. The past becomes a deeper resource, or a chasm, depending on your perspective. It seems like only yesterday that you were a nineteen year old boy with no idea what he wanted to do with your life. It seems like only yesterday she was a sixteen year old girl with stars in her eyes fumbling with words and trying to act like she was all grown up.

Today my life's muse turned thirty-four. The last time I saw her she was twenty-six. I sometimes wonder what joys and hardships those years brought her. More often, I long to know. Her first twenty-six years brought a strong mix of both, weighing more heavily on the side of internal hardship. The path in front of her when we spoke for the last time was not an easy one. Neither was mine at that point, yet there was a lightness to my life at that point and a great heaviness in hers.

She always had a great childlike quality to her, and yet she was wise beyond her years. She taught me more than she really knows and changed my life forever. Despite every bit of turmoil that was ever involved in our relationship, I can honestly say she never did me wrong. She went out of her way not to cause me harm or hurt me. She was always too afraid that she would because she knew how deeply I loved her. She made herself into a ghost. The only reason I can come up with for her doing so is rooted in her inate fear of harming me.

"I could never bear to hurt you.
It would kill me if I knew that I did."

She was a woman with an inescapable need for revenge against something she could not even define. She was angry at the world. There were reasons for her anger that I knew of and reasons I could only speculate on. She needed to go it alone, or at least go it alone as much as possible. She retreated into herself and lived in pain. I still feel her pain. The gift of empathy and my sense of things that aren't right in front of me reminds me daily of her pain. Sometimes I see her smile. These are good days. My life leaves me emotionally unaffected by pretty much everything. At least in the traditional sense. I can channel everything into a sense of understanding and find reason for it all. Yet, there is a ghost from the past that makes me feel things I cannot control. Her ability to do so without being present in my life in any physical way makes me love her even more.

Too many have died in recent years. My life becomes one of watching departures. I know you are out there somewhere. There is still time in this life for ghosts to come out of the shadows. You cannot hurt me any longer. Life is so fragile. We are both still in this place and yet so far apart.

Happy Birthday, MJD
I hope it was one to be remembered
May I be able to say so in person next year


For those of your who expected this to be about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers winning the Super Bowl, I'm terrible sorry. They won the Super Bowl. I was glad.

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