I was inside a house lying on the floor when I saw a bug. But this bug was not a normal bug, it was a bug I had never seen before. I squashed this bug with my hand and out popped its brain. I thought "what the hell" and picked it up. I ran as fast as I could out of there.

I'm now driving on the highway, the sky is red and the world seems dark though there's plenty of light outside. On the road are green salamanders (yes I thought this in my head) and I am swerving to miss them. I ran over a couple and kept driving. On the road further I see red snakes covering the pavement of the highway. I figure there's no way of avoiding them so I ran over them. Some of the snakes started snapping at my car and trying to puncture the tire. I drove further wondering why there are so few people in the city, I think, "Maybe Jesus came and raptured his people."

I'm unsure how it all began. But it ended that I was with two of my sisters, which two I don't know. They faded in and out, taking on different faces, even I didn't have my own face, but it was still me. First we were walking through this valley surrounded by two tall mountains. It reminded me somewhat like an amusement park. We were trying to get somewhere. Finally, we reached this waterfall that wasn't a waterfall at all, but rather a ton of sprinklers spraying water in random directions.

Something happened. We were back in a city. Damn, how were we going to make it there now? I went over to a friend's house. She was married to my ex boyfriend. He came home and was annoyed to see me there. We all went to sleep in the same bed and he began putting his arms all over me but I'd pretend I was asleep. He wouldn't stop, so I began reading a few magazines beside the bed. The first one was of April 2000. I put it aside and began reading another. "That's Feburary," he said. He was right. Feburary 2000. I had gone back in time.

It was sometime in the 1960s, and we finally made it onto a train, me and my two sisters. We would talk to those around us, telling them we were heading to Boston. We had been heading to Boston this whole time. We were in New York now and the train was so slow. My older sister kept wanting to go to the back of the train, but I had threatened a man and I wanted to keep away as far as possible, urging her to change her mind.

Finally, we were there. We came in for a landing. But we weren't on a plane. I got rid of them all together. We were on the ground. "Do you see it?" a woman asked. I was excited. I do see it! That's where Deborah lives, my other sister. But this is 1963, she doesn't live there now. I asked what the long green bridge was, I didn't remember ever seeing that. "You know, the big dig." Of course. We were finally there. Now we only had to get out of the parking lot.
Was in some far-off land; it was night. Me and my companions were in the room we were to sleep in. There was no light. We were standing at the edges of the room; at my back was a doorway to a balcony, and some light came from there. A lioness entered the room and came in my direction. It was going to attack me, but I had a glass of water in my hand, which I unconsciously raised slightly. The lioness immediately stuck her snout in the glass and drank. She lifted it out for a moment, then drank again. Someone cautioned me not to move the glass in any way. Suddenly in a moment of general inattention the lioness was gone. We were all afraid to move, and someone struck a match. We saw the lioness stretched out on the floor sleeping, along with about ten large dogs, one of which had long, [rabbit ears|rabbit-like ears.

I don't know whether this is significant, doctor, but in the dream I thought the thing was a lion. It was only when I woke that I realized it was a lioness.

There was a curious chasm between the land of the living and the feeling of complete unconsciousness. I fell into it. For two utterly insane, ehxilarating hours, I tossed back and forth in what appeared to be my rendition of the nodegel...like quicksand, only sweeter. Yes, I actually appeared to be noding in my sleep.

It was a good thing I was nowhere near a keyboard, because I lay E2 down and had my way with her. I was the perpetrator of utter chaos. I was editing other peoples' nodes. I was adding nodeshells by the dozen. I was called by what seemed to be a higher power to add links to OPEN SOURCE CONCEPT ATE MY BALLS on every writeup that I came across.

I made up words with bizarre definitions. I delved into them deeply, as if mirroring the irony of life in one simple word. The idea that a word could mean extravagant and posh in one context and mean dirty and disheveled in another seemed impossible, but I did it.

I made a defense mechanism metanode, cataloging everything from anger (expressed) to anger (repressed) to withdrawal to nuclear fucking warheads. I tried a little self-justification by noding it's not fat, it's substance that described how skinny people are easily breakable, proven by experiments involving waif-like supermodels and extremely heavy rocks. I showed a little penis envy in noding not only OPEN SOURCE CONCEPT ATE MY BALLS which we had previously mentioned, but also in Everything Assimilated My Balls. I noded the Lament of Ignorance in which I poetically described my frustration at never learning vi because it seemed like too much damn work to open another text editor and I already had a terminal window open.

I woke up at 3:45 in the morning to find myself touch-typing on my stomach as if it were a keyboard, with ideas for new nodes running through my head, trying desperately not to forget the many that I had come up with in my sleep. From now on, I will always keep a pad and pencil by the bed. I have come up with too many good ideas only to get lost in the haze that is semiconsciousness. The morning comes and all I can remember are the superficial nodes that stood out, like OPEN SOURCE CONCEPT ATE MY BALLS (not that I have any balls to eat, or any problems with open source at all) and made-up definitions. The discourses on the nature of humanity and the in-depth criticisms of just about anything are long gone, just a shadow of a memory remains.

I was in a restaurant with my mother waiting for Conrad Black to meet us for lunch. He arrives slightly after us, but still on time. Then my mother had to go to a chemotherapy session, leaving Conrad Black and I all alone. The restaurant was an L-shaped dinerish affair with mirrors on the walls. I could tell Conrad liked me and I knew he was rich so I started to act like I dug him, trying to convince myself that it probably wouldn't be so bad to have sex with him. He invited me up to his apartment to "hang out" so I got up and followed him out of the restaurant. We went across the street to his apartment building, which looked like the T-D Centre in Toronto: a skyscraper with a black marble lobby and high ceilings. Waiting for the elevator, I saw some doors open up and made my way there, but Conrad grabbed my sleeve and said, "no, this one" I glimpsed workmen in hard hats in the elevator Conrad had steered me away from. We went in another elevator, all alone. He didn't try to grab me though, he just stood there looking at me. "Wanna smoke?" he asked, so we went into his apartment, which was really messy and full of half-opened boxes. His daughter was sitting on this grey sectional velour couch and she was friendly to me. I felt really weird that his daughter would be cool with me and started wondering what Conrad really wanted. Then I looked out the window and in an apartment across the way there were three guys (don't know who) just looking in at us, eating popcorn, as if they were watching a movie. I asked Conrad about them and he said "just ignore them, they're there all the time". I try to roll a joint but it's as if I didn't know how: the papers keep coming apart.

A police officer was walking in the door. I get such a fright from that - that he is going to put me in prison for smoking dope and gold-digging - that I woke up, and in real life a police officer really was walking into my house! Turns out the upstairs apartment's alarm was going off and he thought our two apartments were a single house. Weird coincidence.

It took me ages to sleep properly because I was running something of a fever last night; eventually I dreamt that I was a prince, young and very well loved by my subjects. However, the Snidely Whiplash-type character from the next kingdom wanted to murder me and take over my lands and people. I dressed myself as a servant, and when the evil prince (who, now that I think about it, looked a lot like John Cleese) came to look for me I pretended that the prince was away on royal duties, but we'd show him around the castle and be throughly diplomatic.

Every single person in the castle knew it was me under those rags, but none betrayed me. For three days this continued, and by the end of the third day he'd caught on. Somehow I was over at his house the next morning, and when I woke up he had his hands around my throat. I begged for my life, saying that my subjects loved me and I deserved to live; there was a struggle and somehow I managed to escape sans pajamas, completely buck naked. Which is interesting, because while naked dreams aren't that uncommon for me, dreaming that I'm naked and male is something else entirely. And I was totally cool with it, ready to run home in the buff, and it wasn't until I embarassed some girl that I decided maybe I should cover myself. Which is when I noticed that I was hung like a goddamn horse.

I wish I thought of this stuff when I was awake!!!
I was Larry from Three's Company. I was having a beer with Jack in the Reagle Beagle. We got drunk and Jack confessed to me that he was no longer happy being a chef and that he really wanted to be Superman. I jumped into my 61 Thunderbird convertable (Its always a Thunderbird convertable in my dreams....anyway) and drive over a cliff because I am so drunk. As I am falling, Jack aka Superman, flies into save me. We land in Hawaii where we have a luau with the cast of Saved By the Bell. Screech challenged me to an arm wrestling contest as I woke up. Strange.

i am waiting to pick my friend up from his placement test at college. i wait from 11am until well into the night. a load of people (presumably from a train, for some reason) walk by my car and make me nervous. i lock my doors. my dad walks by and knocks off half my car door by accident.

he apologizes and i notice he's got a thin beard cut along his jawline. he shows me that if i flip a switch by my emergency break, cool things happen. my radio slides down and reveals a TV with video games. my temperature controls become personalized settings for each seat. some sort of transparent heat-retaining shields go up over my windows.

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