ASVAB stands for "armed services vocational aptitude battery" and is a test administered, not unlike a massive, spiky enema, to young and impressionable high school juniors. in most schools this test is optional, but in some schools where the average job outlook is exceptionally bleak, it is given to everyone. the test itself consists of about 10 sections, including some ridiculously easy math and verbal sections. during these sections it is unlikely that any real measurement of intelligence is being conducted. more than likely, big brother is just checking to see how well you can fill in dots (excelling at redundant and pointless tasks such as this indicates a promising recruitee for military action). other sections include coding, mechanical comprehension, auto & shop information, etc., basically all the stuff your ivy league colleges are looking for when you apply. speaking of colleges, it is a good idea to mention that the results of the ASVAB are only seen by the government, so it will in no way affect your real future. keeping this in mind, the smart thing to do is to purposefully fail the test so you might never get recruited by the army, even if there is a serious shortage of men during wartime. this is due to the fact that the government would rather not waste a nice, newly-pressed uniform on some idiot who can't tell what the word "tree" means and who will more than likely inflict upon himself mortal wounds with a spatula before ever seeing combat. one might think the government woud anticipate this line of thinking and instantly recognize that anyone smart enough to avoid combat ought to be awarded the title of general. however, we must recall that we are speaking of the US government here, and not wheel of fortune contestants. by now i assume that you have ascertained that i purposely bombed the test. i beg to disagree. i did actually try to get a decent score on the test, but, alas, my scores were somehow messed up and the army labelled me "stupid." for instance, on the section for coding, i scored a whopping "0" which landed me in the first percentile. this means that if i were walking down the street with a group of 99 other individuals, i would spontaneously combust due to my amazing idiocy.

when the results of the ASVAB are returned, the student also receives a booklet about planning his career. this booklet contains many interesting cartoons which can be cut up and juxtopositioned into highly amusing and slightly deranged situations. after going through some pointless exercises intended to help the student "find himself" (these include asking whether or not he likes to sculp with clay and if he wants to manage a shoe store), he is given a magic (and i do mean magic!) marker and yet another booklet. in this booklet, the student is instructed to fill in all the information thus far aquired into certain blocks. then (here comes the magic part!) the student uses the marker to highlight these blocks, each of which corresponds to a career below, and if the career matches the student's interests and abilities, a star appears! unfortunately, since i scored the level of autonomicaly response gifted, all of my results were complete bunk. according to the sheet, i am too dumb to be a janitor, boilermaker, and a child-care specialist. however, all of the military occupations produced a shiny star! on a hunch i marked all intelligence levels for the military occupations, and --what do you know?!?!?! the majority of them produced a star!

in conclusion, the ASVAB is an amazingly produced piece of propaganda by the US government. i thoroughly recommend all paranoid individuals take it so they might be further convinced of big brother's evil intentions and be inspired to make some humorous websites about it.
The ASVAB, or Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery is a test you will be expected to take before entering any branch of military service in the United States, regardless of your prior education. The ASVAB is made up of the following test subjects, in the order of administration:

  • General Science
  • Arithmetic Reasoning
  • Word Knowledge
  • Paragraph Comprehension
  • Numerical Operations
  • Coding Speed
  • Auto & Shop Information
  • Mathematics Knowledge
  • Mechanical Comprehension
  • Electronics Information
  • General Science - 11 Minutes - 25 Items
    Measures knowledge of the physical and biological sciences.

    Arithmetic Reasoning - 36 Minutes - 30 Items
    Measures ability to solve arithmetic word problems.

    Word Knowledge - 11 Minutes - 35 Items
    Measure ability to select the correct meaning of words presented in context and identify the best synonym for a given word.

    Paragraph Comprehension - 13 Minutes - 15 Items
    Measures ability to obtain information from written passages.

    Numerical Operations - 3 Minutes - 50 Items
    Measures ability to perform arithmetic computations in a speeded context.

    Coding Speed - 7 Minutes - 84 Items
    Measures ability to use a key in assigning code numbers to words in a speeded context.

    Auto & Shop Information - 11 Minutes - 25 Items
    Measures knowledge of automobiles, tools, and shop terminology and practices.

    Mathematics Knowledge - 24 Minutes - 25 Items
    Measures knowledge of general mathematics principles, including algebra and geometry.

    Mechanical Comprehension - 19 Minutes - 25 Items
    Measures knowledge of mechanical and physical principles and ability to visualize how illustrated objects work.

    Electronics Information - 9 Minutes - 20 Items
    Measures knowledge of electricity, radio principles, and electronics.

    Half of these tests are grouped around 3 academic composites:

    Academic Ability

    Measures potential for further formal education

    Word Knowledge and Paragraph Comprehension + Arithmetic and Mathematics Knowledge

    Verbal Ability

    Measures capacity for verbal activities

    Word Knowledge + Paragraph Comprehension

    Math Ability

    Measures capacity for mathematical activities

    Arithmetic Reasoning + Mathematics Knowledge

    The other half of the tests are simply for measuring how fast you can complete certain tasks, or additional knowledge one may have acquired.
    All of the tests are multiple-choice, with either 4 or 5 optional answers.

    Scoring on the ASVAB is as follows:

    (2 x the number of correct answers on Word Knowledge) + (2 x the number correct on Paragraph Comprehension) + the number correct on Arithmetic Reasoning + the number correct on Mathematic Knowledge = the raw score, which is then converted into a percentile score.

    On the rare occasion that you would have to study for the ASVAB, you only need to concentrate on Word Knowledge, Paragraph Comprehension, Arithmetic Reasoning and Mathematics Knowledge. These are the only tests that influence the end score. All others are just for better categorization of your skills.

    See also: the ASVAB

    The ASVAB is not a test to take lightly (no pun intended) if you really are entering the service. The military has learned one thing over its couple of hundred years of existence, and that is don't trust civilians, especially their opinion of others, especially the kind of loners and iconoclasts that would want to leave home and join the Army. You may need a high school diploma or equivalency to get in, but when they assign you your military job, they use the ASVAB results exclusively. They could care less what your grades are out there, they only care about how you scored on your military aptitude test.

    At the risk of making this a GTKY item, I'll give you an example to demonstrate my point. I had terrible grades through high school, and barely graduated. Yet based on my ASVAB, the Army sent me to USMAPS (West Point Prep) and while I was waiting for the semester to begin, they sent me to electronic warfare school to learn cryptoanalysis. (I had a motorcycle accident in my tenth month at the prep, so couldn't go on to the Academy, but I did become an intelligence analyst.)

    All of this was based upon my ASVAB scores. Laugh all you want to about the Army (as I have myself, many, many times) but they seem to get the job done, and 90% of the people are in the jobs that they are suited to perform.

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