ASVAB stands for "armed services vocational aptitude battery" and is a test administered, not unlike a massive, spiky enema, to young and impressionable high school juniors. in most schools this test is optional, but in some schools where the average job outlook is exceptionally bleak, it is given to everyone. the test itself consists of about 10 sections, including some ridiculously easy math and verbal sections. during these sections it is unlikely that any real measurement of intelligence is being conducted. more than likely, big brother is just checking to see how well you can fill in dots (excelling at redundant and pointless tasks such as this indicates a promising recruitee for military action). other sections include coding, mechanical comprehension, auto & shop information, etc., basically all the stuff your ivy league colleges are looking for when you apply. speaking of colleges, it is a good idea to mention that the results of the ASVAB are only seen by the government, so it will in no way affect your real future. keeping this in mind, the smart thing to do is to purposefully fail the test so you might never get recruited by the army, even if there is a serious shortage of men during wartime. this is due to the fact that the government would rather not waste a nice, newly-pressed uniform on some idiot who can't tell what the word "tree" means and who will more than likely inflict upon himself mortal wounds with a spatula before ever seeing combat. one might think the government woud anticipate this line of thinking and instantly recognize that anyone smart enough to avoid combat ought to be awarded the title of general. however, we must recall that we are speaking of the US government here, and not wheel of fortune contestants. by now i assume that you have ascertained that i purposely bombed the test. i beg to disagree. i did actually try to get a decent score on the test, but, alas, my scores were somehow messed up and the army labelled me "stupid." for instance, on the section for coding, i scored a whopping "0" which landed me in the first percentile. this means that if i were walking down the street with a group of 99 other individuals, i would spontaneously combust due to my amazing idiocy.

when the results of the ASVAB are returned, the student also receives a booklet about planning his career. this booklet contains many interesting cartoons which can be cut up and juxtopositioned into highly amusing and slightly deranged situations. after going through some pointless exercises intended to help the student "find himself" (these include asking whether or not he likes to sculp with clay and if he wants to manage a shoe store), he is given a magic (and i do mean magic!) marker and yet another booklet. in this booklet, the student is instructed to fill in all the information thus far aquired into certain blocks. then (here comes the magic part!) the student uses the marker to highlight these blocks, each of which corresponds to a career below, and if the career matches the student's interests and abilities, a star appears! unfortunately, since i scored the level of autonomicaly response gifted, all of my results were complete bunk. according to the sheet, i am too dumb to be a janitor, boilermaker, and a child-care specialist. however, all of the military occupations produced a shiny star! on a hunch i marked all intelligence levels for the military occupations, and --what do you know?!?!?! the majority of them produced a star!

in conclusion, the ASVAB is an amazingly produced piece of propaganda by the US government. i thoroughly recommend all paranoid individuals take it so they might be further convinced of big brother's evil intentions and be inspired to make some humorous websites about it.