Tyler Evans, Grade 3, Mrs. Baker's Class, Shady Grove Elementary
Vichizzle McNizzle, Pimp Daddy
The Meaning of Christmas
Vichizzle: Whazzup, dawgs? Here it come again, dat time of year where we all be spreadin' good wishes, Christmas cheer, tie-dins, an all dat utha bull shit. It the time when we smiles at each others with those big ol' shit eatin' grinzz, some gleamin they gold teeth an all, all because we either bout to receive a giff from ya, or gonna give a giff to ya, or bust a cap in yo motherfuckin ass. But in the spurt of the seazun, ol Vichizzle be here to reminds you all of the reason fo the season. Lot of you all think it be about celebratin' Jesus' birthday or lightin' some candles an shit, like fo that Hannakuh or Channukah or whatever the fuck you call it. Dig dis shit, dawgs: it ain't bout no fuckin candles or even about no fuckin long-haired old whitey. It's a big fuckin party, yo.
Now at this point bunch yall be sayin "But, Vichizzle, why you be all down on the Christ savior, man? Ain't you afraid of bein struck by lightning or some shit?" Now, first of all, who in the fuck ever been struck by lightnin in De-fuckin-cember? Dat's right, nobody. Cuz it's fuckin winter you dumbshits! That's the reason fo a big ol bring-the-motherfuckin-house-down parrr-TAY! Back in the olden dayz when people have no central heatin in they houses, it get pretty motherfuckin cold and after week after week of dark, gray, cold weathuh, they all be needin to get down and bust out, knowhaddi'msayin? Time to shake dat ass and smoke dat weed! Fur real. Ya gots tuh let loose and shake dem snowflakes off yo ass and get down to drinkin, smokin, fuckin, and suckin, ya dig? Everyone from the pagans befo dat Jesus dude to the Indianzz be partyin it up right round the end of December or beginnin of January. Juss like today, they all be gettin drunk of they asses and high as dat fuckin colonial Franklin dude's kite! Werd. And of course there's the food, man. Gots to feed they munchies! True dat. Dat's what started the traditions of the big ol fuckin feasts, man. The bigger the parr-tay, the bigger the munchies! So dat's why they all be breakin out the big ol hams an shit and the fuckin cranberriez and fruit cakes -- even dat fuckin shit look real appetizin after a night of smokin it up, Vichizzle attest to dat!
Tyler: This is my report on the meaning of Christmas. Lots of people think that Christmas is about giving presents and seeing family and Santa Claus. But it is not about any of that. December 25 is the date that Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, was born to the Virgin Mary. It was in a little barn in Bethleham because there wasn't enough room in the hotel for them. There must have been a convention in town because that happened once when we drove down to visit family in Mississippi. We couldn't get any hotel rooms at all because my daddy said some fag convention was going on. No, we didn't sleep in a barn like Jesus did, we just had to get a hotel really far away. My daddy said some really bad words about that and my mommy got mad at him for it. Anyways, when Jesus was born a big, bright star was over him to guide the Three Wisemen to him. They brought him Frankenberry, some other stuff, and something called murr. It's too bad about the Frankenberry because I always liked Count Chocula better. Anyways, Jesus was born into the world, the only son of God, to save us all from our sins. Well, the fags can't be saved, my daddy says they're all going to Hell. My preacher said Jesus could save everybody, but my daddy must be right because mommy says that daddy is smarter than our preacher.
Lots of people don't realize that the holiday is only about Jesus. My daddy says that the Jews don't celebrate it and have some other stupid thing they do and the blacks have this thing called Kwanza and they're trying to have their own black Christmas and that makes him so mad. He says they steal more than give presents at Christmas and they're going to Hell with the fags, Jews, and the aytheeists. Jesus is the reason for the season. Without him there would be no Christmas trees, Christmas songs, or yule logs. People need to worship Jesus on Christmas, not Santa Claus. I was watching this thing on the Discovery Channel the other night about Christmas and it said something about there was a holiday on December 25 before Jesus was born but my daddy got so mad he made me turn it off and he called the satelite company and made them get rid of Discovery. He said it was the last straw after all their shows about evolution.
Vichizzle: So remember, when the holly-daze be comin round, get to partying motherfuckers, cuz it one of the bess times of the year to do so. And don't be drinkin none o dat nasty egg nog shit, break out the really hard shit, get yo some Crown Royal or Colt 45 - dat shit'll git ya all warm and cozy even out in the bitterest fuckin wintah cold - and hook up with yo best dealer cuz ain't nuttin sweeter than dat holiday weed, knowhaddi'msayin? I'll bet you fuckin do! Now fuck dat Christmas shoppin bull shit, foget those stupid motherfuckers fightin over they parkin spaces and Fuck Me Elmo dolls and get started right-fuckin-nah on gettin yo holiday ass wasted! It truly be the most wonderful time of the year! Peace!
Tyler: On Christmas Day, people should get together with all the members of their family and love and cherish one another and celebrate the birth of Christ Jesus. Except if you have an older sister who is living in sin with a wop, like mine does, daddy doesn't care if she shows up. But except for that, make sure you see all your family, open your presents, eat lots of food, watch football, and, oh, don't forget to pray to Jesus. Amen. God bless everybody, except fags.
11/24/04 == 12/20/04 == 12/21/04 == 12/30/04 == 01/31/05 == 02/10/05 == 02/14/05 == 05/18/05 == 07/25/05 == 09/01/05 == 10/24/05 == 12/22/05 == 07/20/06 == 10/31/06 == 02/07/07 == 07/13/07 == 12/18/07 == 9/17/08