Okay, so I missed the Bathtub Jam. Katyana didn't tell me anything about it, and I failed to read about it on E2 (somehow, I had passed it over), so I was stuck at home on the East side of Michigan, so close to the party that I could hear the "SOY" if I had lissened close enough (and not been asleep). Anyway, this is how I figure I would have fared at the E2 Midwest Bathtub Jam:

First of all, I'm ride up to the dorm in my newly rebuilt green Ford Ranger, which I'm rather proud of. Unfortuantely, it has no air conditioning, so I would be as hot and as thirsty as someone who had recently played checkers with Satan. I'd arrive at about the time Jessicapierce did, just because I figure that's when I'd show up. I'd say hello to all the noders there, and take particular intrest in this "Melissa" girl, who I would refuse to call by her super hero name, "Orgasmatazz" (because I like calling people by their real names). I'd get pissed off everytime someone would shout across the room "Hey, PaSTE!" or something like that, because I'm not used to being called "PaSTE", and I much prefer my real name, "Phil". After about an hour of getting pissed off at fellow noders and talking to Melissa about my experiences in a ska band, we'd go to Whirlyball.

Brainwave and I would start talking about physics, and we'd never get off the subject. Even while playing, we'd discuss the trajectory of the ball, the rotational force being applied to the arm by the scoop-thingy, and the coefficient of friction of the polished black floor on my rubber-soled shoes. Clampe and I would have gotten into a huge fight over weather or not cunnilingus was a sport, and we'd had to have been broken up by Katyana herself, seeing as she'd be the toughest one there. I'd retreat into the bathroom where I'd spend the next three hours nurturing my broken nose, and wondering why I was still bleeding after three hours.

I would have totally skipped out on the tour of the U of M campus in lieu of taking Melissa with me to see my old English teacher, Mr. Hanley. The next hour or so would be taken looking up his address, finding his house, then chatting with him about English stuff. Melissa would get bored out of her mind and take Mr. Hanley out for a few drinks. I think that getting piss drunk in a bar in the middle of Ann Arbor with my old English teacher isn't a good idea, so I'd leave for Katyana's place.

At about 5:00a, I'd have hit nieken with my green Ford Ranger as he crossed the parking at Kat's place. I throw his dead carcas into the bead of my truck and continue on.

Upon arival at the party, I decide to do my homework for my summer college math course. I'd have trouble on some of the computation, so I'd ask fustflum how to figure out a few things. To my surprise, he knows nothing about math, and couldn't even count the fingers on his right hand. I watch him leave, swerving down the road at about 190 MPH. I rejoin the part where I find Brainwave again and begin discussing the various effects of sending the human body at excess speeds of 190 MPH, and the force of impact against certain objects, and etc.

I don't sleep. Rather, I follow Void_Ptr to The Broken Egg. Surprisingly, due to my extensive knowledge of Greek Mythology, we together are able to successfully take over the world. The evil overloard would get ticked off, and he'd probibly have killed me right then and there, had it not been for Campus Security and an oversized bra (don't ask). I'd leave the state, knowing fully well that Void_Ptr and the evil overloard ruled the world, and I'd never sleep again, always being on the run for my life. No one questions the dead body in the back for my truck.

I die from blood loss a few weeks later due to the injuries sustained in the fight with Clampe.

So, the way I see it, it's a good thing I didn't go.