1.1 Are gorillas the same as bears?

No. Gorillas are not the same as bears. Many people assume that there are no differences between them, or the differences are very subtle. While both make great pets and are often seen living together harmoniously, bears have different tax obligations than gorillas and gorillas tend to be generally different from bears. These differences lie in dissimilarity and the fact that they are not the same.

1.2 Are there different types of bears?

Yes. The different types of bears include many.

1.3 Do bears come in different colors?

Bears do vary in color. There is the "Brown" bear, the "Black" bear, the "White" bear, and other bears whose colors cannot be determined by name. Some of these colors include off-white, gray, tan, beige, red-orange (a burnt sienna), and various shades of red; most often "blood" red if the bear has recently been eating.

1.4 Are the noises I hear coming from my basement a bear?

Hard to tell from my perspective. Call a professional bear killer before attempting to shoo it out with a broom. Also, listen for bear noises or send your dog into the basement, wait a while for scuffles, then call your dog. If the dog returns it may or may not be a bear.

1.5 What do bears eat?

Bears eat fish and honey.

1.6 Are bears from Ursus americanas?

No, but thats a great question, and a funny one. Bears are Ursus americanas. Confused? I thought so. Let me explain: Ursus americanas is the latin nomenclature for the American Brown bear.

1.7 Are any states named after bears?

Actually, yes. Florida, Alaskan, and American are all states named after bears. Did you know?: Europe was named after the European Bear.

1.8 Do bears taste good?

Generally bears taste great. Any bear will tell you this. Bears prefer only honey and humanity to bear flesh. This is one reason bears often gnaw on themselves. To the human experience, Cinnamon bears and Honey bears are the best tasting, at least on the outside. Dirty old men typically prefer minty tobacco taste of the Kodiac bear. Warning, do not try to lick a live bear unless he looks harmless. It is best to lick the cleaner parts of a roadkill bear.

2.0 Are bears friendly?

This varies from bear to bear. A good motto to keep in mind is "If I were to touch that bear, would he really care? If I think he may, I probably shouldn't stay. If I think he won't, I'll touch him in the scrote." Go with your insticts.

2.1 What should I do if I come across a bear in the wild?

The best thing to do is notify him of your presence by throwing rocks at him, aiming for his head and face. Yell and shriek both high and low pitched noises and be anything but still while doing this. This will let the bear become gradually accepting of your being there and he will then decide if you are threatening or not and thus he can make decisions about your future while not feeling panicked or a sense or urgency.

2.2 What should I do if I come across a bear in the city?

In this situation, the bear is undoubtedly someone's pet or escaped from the zoo. Therefore, he is not going to hurt you. If you can catch him, do so and call the number on his tags. Otherwise honk your horn, shout at him, or prod him. He will then play with you until his owner or a zoo keeper comes.

2.3 What is the bear's place in society, can they be plumbers?

In human society, bears have many roles: entertainment, manual labor, and others. Yes, bears can be plumbers, and in fact generally have better customer satisfaction ratings than human plumbers. This is based on a plumbing survey taken in 1998 (J.D. Power and Associates). However, as they say: "A plumber is only as good as his tools," this is also true for bear plumbers only for this case they say, "A bear plumber may kill you and attempt to to replace you in your role in your household and is only as good as his tools."

2.4 Are any of my relatives bears?

If you yourself are a bear, then it is decidedly such that you do have bear relatives. In this case consult your local branch of the library to learn more about your family tree. If you are not a bear but still curious as to the answer to this question, talk to your relatives, as they may know. There is a chance you are related to a bear or many bears, though this varies among different families. A good hueristic for finding out on your own is observation. Try listening in on conversations: listen for loud grunts or "roars". Look for panic and fear of family members: look to see if those in your family seem uneasy around certain other family members, or are constantly moving slowly while carrying fish and honey to appease the relative. Look for excessive hair or a black nose: this is a good hint to the nature of your relatives. Remember: Male and Female Pattern Baldness is not solely a human ailment, do not let this be a characteristic to lead you to believe falsities as to the nature of your uncle Ursus.

Convincing Someone that they are a Bear




We all have loved ones, friends, pets, and others close to us that seriously believe that they are human. This can’t go on. They must come to accept the fact that they are actually bears.

I’ve had to do this on several occasions. Convincing someone that they are actually a bear requires a lot of work and dedication. I have become a professional convincer, convincing people that they are actually bears. The following is a guideline that will help you convince someone close to you of what they really are. A bear.


1)      Always call them a bear. This is the most important thing you can do to convince them of what they really are. Being constantly called a bear will help their identity sink into the subconscious. If they don’t like it, pretend that it’s a cute nickname for them. Even if they don’t like it at first, keep doing it. They will accept it with time.

2)      Limit their human-like activities. This is one of the more difficult aspects of the convincing process. First ask yourself, “What do humans do?” Most humans function in some way in society. Then ask yourself, “What do bears do?” Maul people, sleep, maul the first person they see when they wake up. So if the bear that thinks they are a person functioning in society, let them continue to do so. Bears function in society everyday. But, it is a must that they maul people. To make sure they do this, make them irritable whenever possible. Do this as often as you can. They will eventually maul you. When they are sleeping, wake them up. Doing this often enough over time will cause them to maul you whenever they wake up. They are officially becoming a bear.

3)      Make sure they eat what bears eat. Bears eat fish, honey, and some types of vegetation. It’s easy to make this their diet. Always have them eat honey ham, honey wheat bread, Honey Nut Cheerios, and the like. You, on the other hand, must never eat what the bear eats, as this will throw everything off. Even if you like seafood, kick the habit. Pretend that you don’t like it. Its bear food, not people food.

4)      Take them fishing. If they ever return to the wild, this will be a useful skill for them to have.

5)      Make sure that they never shave. This can be tricky, but it’s very important to make the bear fully aware of its identity. This can be even more difficult with a female specimen. Most women shave their legs. Bears don’t. If it’s a female that’s affectionately close to you, embrace her unshaven legs. Pretend to like them. She will eventually stop shaving.

6)      Get them into the habit of hibernation. This is one of the trademark bear qualities. If the person does not sleep a lot, tell them that they sleep too much. Every time they go to sleep, let it be known to them the last time they fell asleep to instill in their mind that they sleep too much. This will invariably lead to them sleeping more and more. Full blown hibernation will come with time. This aspect is usually the most time consuming, but you can do this step in conjunction with having them wake up and maul you.

7)      Answer ALL of the questions they have about being a bear. No matter how trivial a question they ask you about their identity, answer it. Here are some example questions along with the answers. “How did my parents, who are human, have a bear child?” Answer: Your parents aren’t humans. They are bears. “How can I be a functioning member of society if I’m a bear?” Answer: Easy. You do it all the time. “Why don’t I look like a bear?” Answer: You do. (Here point out that they are covered in hair). “How many bears do you know that can talk?” Answer: One. “How come none of my relatives are bears?” Answer: They are. You just haven’t met them.


Using this guide, along with a lot of time and dedication, will assure your loved one of their true identity. Do remember, however, that bears are very dangerous. If you feel that your bear has become too dangerous, take it to the proper officials. In the event that you are injured while being mauled by your bear, call your local physician. In the event that you are mauled to death by your bear, call your local mortician. I have no advice for those that are eaten and completely consumed by a bear. As a professional, I have not been eaten by a bear.


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