Do you Suffer From:

Massive Blood Loss?
Lacerations to the face, neck, legs, chest, or buttock?
Mountain Biking?
Chronic Honey-Coating-itis?

Then you may be getting mauled by bears constantly. Please visit your local emergency room.

21 Ways to Avoid Being Mauled by a Bear.


1)      Don’t make eye contact with bears.

2)      Don’t live with a bear.

3)      Don’t eat with a bear. People taste better than the common things bears eat.

4)      Don’t offer a bear a ride in your vehicle.

5)      Don’t hitch a ride if a bear is the driver or in the vehicle.

6)      Don’t try to steal bear cubs. Their angry (and probably hungry) mother is nearby.

7)      Don’t put a sleeping bear in a headlock. It will wake up angry.

8)      Don’t pet an angry bear.

9)      Don’t kick a happy bear.

10)  Don’t take food from a bear.

11)  Don’t enter the cage with the bear in it. Enter the cage with the lions in it. Though the lions may be dangerous, at least the bear can’t get you.

12)  Don’t have sex with a bear in the room. Sex can be distracting and you should keep your eye on the bear.

13)  Stay away from a crowd of bears. A crowd of bears means trouble.

14)  Don’t disturb the bear sitting at your desk at work. Wait until it’s finished eating the snacks you left on your desk.

15)  Don’t play video games when there is a bear in the room for the same reason you shouldn’t have sex with a bear in the room.

16)  Don’t assume that your dog can take down a bear. Chances are it can’t.

17)  Don’t put makeup on a bear. They hate that.

18)  Don’t cut a bear in line.

19)  Bears can’t read. Never ask a bear to read you a story, as they are sensitive to not being able to read.

20)  Bears can’t talk. Never talk to a bear.

21) Never, ever get on a rollercoaster and sit next to a bear. Rollercoasters and bears don't mix. If you find yourself on a rollercoaster next to a bear, get off. Wait in line again. If you stay there, you will be the victim of the worst mauling in human history. The worst. EVER. I would recommend talking to the bear and taking the lesser of the maulings.



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