More commonly known by the Ballynore title and written around 1880, this traditional song was to celebrate a supposed actual social event in the Kirriemuir district of Scotland. The chorus is reapeated at the end of every verse. The whole thing is to be sung with a thick brogue. I suspect a few of these verses are modern additions.

Warning: This song contains very explicite lyrics and themes

'Twas on the first of August the party it began Now never shall I forget, me lads, the gathering of the clans
Singing, "Who hae ye last, lass, who hae ye noo?
The one that hae ye last time, he canna hae ye noo"
'Twas the gathering of the clans, man, and all the lads were there
A-playing with the lassies and twining curly hair

There was doing in the parlor, there was doing on the stones
You could nae hear the music for the wheezing and the groans

John McGowan, the father, was very surprised to see
Four and twenty maidenheads a-hanging from the tree

The best man in the parlor explaining to the groom
The vagina, not the rectum, is the entrance to the womb

The groom was in the corner, oiling up his tool
The wife was in the icebox, her private parts to cool

The queen was in the parlor, eating bread and honey
The king was in the parlor maid, and she was in the money

The village butcher, he was there, cleaver in his hand
And when he turned himself around, he circumcised the band

The parson's daughter, she was there a-sitting way down front
A wreath of roses in her hair and a carrot up her cunt

The parson's wife, she was there her arse against the wall
Shouting to the laddie boys, "I'll take ye one and all"

It's the first lady forward, and the second lady back
And the third lady's finger in the fourth lady's crack

It's all the ladies back, with yer arses tae the wall
If ye can't get fucked at Keriemuir, ye'll never get fucked at all!

The village magician cavorted around, doing his vanishing trick
He pulled his foreskin over his head and vanished into his prick

The village priest, he was there and on the floor he sat
Amusing himself by abusing himself and catching it on his hat

The undertaker, he went there dressed in a lime black shroud
Swinging on the chandelier and pissing on the crowd

There was fucking in the stable, there was fucking in the ricks
And ye could nae hear the music for the swishing of the pricks

The mayor's daughter, she was there and kept the crowd in fits
By jumping off the mantle piece and landing on her tits

The schoolmaster, he was there, going at it some
Figuring out by algebra the time that he would come

There was screwing on the banister, screwing on the stair
Ye could nae see the carpet for the mess of curly hair

The village idiot, he was there, he was a perfect fool
He sat beneath the oak tree and whittled off his tool

They tried it on the garden path, they tried it in the park
When the candles spotted out, they did it in the dark

The village postman, he was there, the poor man had the pox
He could nae fuck the lassies, so he fucked the letter box

The chimney sweep, he was there, but soon he got the boot
For every time he farted, he filled the room with soot

The village blacksmith, he was there, putting us all to shame
He did fourteen of the lassies before he finally came

The groom by now was excited and racing through the halls
He was pulling on his pecker and showing off his balls

Big John, the farmer, swore an oath, and then he cursed and spat
For his forty acre corn field was completely fuck'd flat

The minister's wife was there as well all buckled to the front
With a wreath of roses round her arse and thistles round her cunt

The minister's daughter tae was there and she gat roaring foul
Sae they doubled her over the midden wall and bulled her like a cow

First the did it simple, then they tried it he's and she's
When the ball was over, They went at it fives and threes

And when the ball was over, the opinion was expressed
Although they liked the music, the screwing was the best

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