Hello, Loon. I'm glad that you've finally come to see me for help. Now, what seems to be your problem?

Well, it's of a... sexual nature...

Are you having problems with coming out of the closet? I mean, I've known it for years, the way you wear pleather and all...

NO! I'm not thinking of coming out. Hey, why did you think I'd come out?

*Shrug* Now, can you please tell me the problem?

Goddamnit, woman! Can't I tell my story at my own pace?! ... Okay, thanks. Now, I think this stems back to my youth and the first three Star Wars movies. I know that it has continued throughout my life up even until this point in my life.

Now, it has been a subject of hot debate that there are multiple correlations between the Star Wars movies and Catholicism. Well, I've taken it upon myself to discover whether there are conjecturable points behind the argument in favor of there being parallels.

I see... Perhaps you thought of Star Wars as an allegorical tale of coming to terms with homosexuality.

What? No! Stop that. Well, I've watched A New Hope at least 30 times, The Empire Strikes Back about 40 times, and Return of the Jedi probably 35 times. And I've been studying the history of Catholicism and the Bible itself. Particularly, I've been focusing on the organized religion and the faith of its followers.

And has this research led to any revelations? Perhaps something about the nature of your sexual being?

Yeah! I mean, no! But I did come to some conclusions. In the course of my studying the movies and the religion, it came to me that the parallels were not with the Force and Catholicism-- rather it is the Dark Side of the Force that has its parallels with religion. And it was at this time that I started having my nightmares.

Did you dream about men? Because nightmares of men and sexual acts often describe suppressed feelings deep inside that you may have for these men in your dreams.

No, no... The nightmares were definitely of Star Wars and of religion. I... I...

Go on... it's good for you to let it out.

I... hey, no reference to my being homosexual?

You admit it!!

No! That's not what I meant! Well, BACK to my dreams... I think I've been manifesting this in my head for awhile. But because of my dream, you see. Well, I think that Darth Vader and the Pope are meant to be one and the same!

Why, you ask? Well, in my nightmares, I've been having sex with Darth Vader while thinking of the Pope.

Wow... you are fucked up. And by the way, I'm not a woman.

Nodeshell Challenge

I guess I don't really regret it. I mean, it was a long time ago. I was out with some friends at this bar, just nursing our drinks, when this rowdy bunch of fighter pilots come in, fresh from the Clone Wars--they'd been assigned out near Tatooine, so it wasn't really any surprise they'd come here for a drink after years of living here, mixing it up with the droids and the clones. Most of them were your typical rowdy, randy assholes, but one of them was quieter, more alert....
and a total hunk.
Do I ordinarily go for mysterious men? Well, yes, when I can't get a tall, dark and handsome Wookiee. Anyhow, he said his name was "Anakin Skywalker," which sounded so corny, I knew he was lying. We really hit it off, and I gave him a fake name, too, the name of some woman who walked in on me with her husband a month before. Cute girl. Anyhow.
So my friends weren't having any luck, and they decided to go home, but I stayed there at the bar; why not? He was a dreamboat, and every word he said made me swoon. This guy, it was like, I don't know, some crazy Vulcan mind meld or whatever. We left a few hours later, and went back to his place, a total hole in the wall where he was staying on shore leave. Well, we were just about to, you know, mine the spice, shock the Jawa, ride the Taunton, whatever you want to call it... and this total asshole bursts through the door. Jedi-looking grimy granola tree-hugger, you know, and he says "Anakin, we have to go, now, the Sith are coming for you!"
And then I got even more excited, but frustrated at the same time, because he was, like, totally gone. I mean, who knew this guy had such a Dark Side? Fighter pilot, Sith chasing him everywhere. Well, I mean, I figured he just owed them money or something. I didn't even have time to say anything, he was just gone. I saw the door slide shut, and it was like I woke up from a nap.
Anyway, that's how I met him. So when he showed up at the same bar a few weeks ago, I immediately recognized him. I mean, choking people from across the room, cleaving them in twain with his lightsaber... man, that long, red, throbbing lightsaber... sure he was all decked out in black, and he had that mask on, but I totally recognized him--maybe it was the walk. After he finished killing everyone in the bar, he was just about to kill me, too, and he took his mask off--well, not the breathing apparatus, just the faceplate. Girl-l-l-l... nuh-uh! No way! He was still the same hottie, just older, a little wrinkled, with lava scars all over. I didn't even realize it then, and I could have kicked myself--I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, he says, "Hey, babe, I'm almost done here. How about I finish up and we go back to my place, and do some catching up?"
What could I say? Of course I went back with him. Now, you've got to understand. I'm not a slut or anything. It's not like I sleep around, I just, y'know, really like variety. It's the spice of life. Maybe he thought he was the only guy in my life--you know, that Dark Jedi ego--but there had been a few other guys in the meantime... a Hutt or two, some Ewoks... but mostly humans. And I was laying on the couch, racking my brain to remember who he reminded me of.
He poured us drinks, and we laid down together, and it was like a half-hour later, I was having sex with the Darth Vader, that I got through the whole checklist:
  • long, flowing robe
  • direct line to supreme ruler of the Universe
  • funny hat
  • carries a big scepter to make up for certain, um, shortcomings
  • subjects cower in fear and genuflect whenever he comes around
  • not very good in bed...
I put it all together! After Anakin had ditched me, we all took a vacation to the Outer Rim, and I was looking for a nice guy, just a fling, you know, and I met this "The Pope" guy, and we totally had a one-night stand. He got up the next morning and said he "had to go to church" (what a lame excuse), and I had this total crush on him, but the girls were leaving, so I got on the ship, and I never saw him again.
Well, this Darth Vader guy was a dead ringer for him! We're there doing a Sith-ty Nine, and it's all I can do not to scream out "John Paul!" I was so embarrassed, I just faked it and got the hell out of there.
this is the result of a nodeshell challenge.
I couldn’t start this nodeshell challenge and then NOT participate. How much of a wimp would that make me... And read Jurph's writeup before reading this one!

You couldn’t miss that big, black, shiny, cold metal helmet from where I was sitting. I knew, just knew... it was him when he came back in the bar for the second time. I remember when he picked her up the first time, how they chatted at the bar, made googly eyes at each other, she laughed at all his jokes, he bought her drink after drink. God it made me sick, to think all that time he was flirting with her just because he knew I was in the bar. I swear it was just to piss me off. So of course when I saw them leave together that first time, I just knew I had to do something about it. I certainly couldn’t have Darth banging her when I knew the whole time it was for nothing more than revenge. He certainly couldn’t have actually been interested in her. So when I sent my friend Bob over to Darth’s apartment to break that little nookie session up, it honestly was a harmless prank. I never knew it would get out of control like this. I mean, I knew he didn’t really want the Sith coming after him, but seriously, like chill out.

As soon as I saw him coming back to the bar years later I hid. Knowing he was out of control, the anger bottled up all those years. He knew she would still be at that same bar. He probably would have never imagined I would still be there, too. But I had waited, waited for his return, I needed to show up this girl, had to prove to Darth is was a mistake he ever looked at her the wrong way. So as he started going after everyone in the bar, I ran out to his TIE fighter and hid in the back seat. Knowing he would take that girl back to his place, I figured they would probably be too engrossed in each other to ever notice I was stashed back there. I never imagined that they could have sex in a TIE fighter, but I guess Darth’s customized model was more roomy than most, because I was wrong. Not a lot of room for them to maneuver around, but when I heard the slurping, and saw the bobbing, I just knew that Darth was getting his helmet polished.

So when they went back to the Imperial Destroyer and he took her back to his quarters, I was right behind. Followed them into his room and then hid behind the carbonite Hans Solo. God I had always hated that damn thing. It was so ugly. But It served it’s purpose well. Because the whole time they were bumping and grinding away, and as he chased her around with his silly light saber, I was able to just sit there and watch. Eventually after the 3 or 4 minutes it took for him to finish up, he had to kick her out of his quarters so that some of his lil peons could speak to him about some Jedis or something. And after they left… Bang. I confronted him. He admitted it was just for the sex. He knew that the other girl had screwed around a bit in her time, the Ewoks had talked under pressure. And I knew about her and that “Pope” fellow, too. But Darth just couldn’t help pursing her, she was that irresistible, especially when he was back at that same bar. It was just obvious that he had to kill all those space goons to impress her just so she would come back with him. Well as pissed as I was, it was easy to let it go. I knew she was history. I knew she had moved on. But still it irked me. So as I slid over to Darth and complimented his big, black helmet, I started pondering revenge. When Darth and I finally made it to his couch (the man is all thumbs I tell ya) and were in the midst of getting it on, I though what could be better than going after her past conquests and trying to get this Pope in bed. He surely would be a better lay than Darth...

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