. I'm glad that you've finally come to see me for help
. Now, what seems to be your problem?
Well, it's of a... sexual nature...
Are you having problems with coming out of the closet? I mean, I've known it for years, the way you wear pleather and all...
NO! I'm not thinking of coming out. Hey, why did you think I'd come out?
*Shrug* Now, can you please tell me the problem?
Goddamnit, woman! Can't I tell my story at my own pace?! ... Okay, thanks. Now, I think this stems back to my youth and the first three Star Wars movies. I know that it has continued throughout my life up even until this point in my life.
Now, it has been a subject of hot debate that there are multiple correlations between the Star Wars movies and Catholicism. Well, I've taken it upon myself to discover whether there are conjecturable points behind the argument in favor of there being parallels.
I see... Perhaps you thought of Star Wars as an allegorical tale of coming to terms with homosexuality.
What? No! Stop that. Well, I've watched A New Hope at least 30 times, The Empire Strikes Back about 40 times, and Return of the Jedi probably 35 times. And I've been studying the history of Catholicism and the Bible itself. Particularly, I've been focusing on the organized religion and the faith of its followers.
And has this research led to any revelations? Perhaps something about the nature of your sexual being?
Yeah! I mean, no! But I did come to some conclusions. In the course of my studying the movies and the religion, it came to me that the parallels were not with the Force and Catholicism-- rather it is the Dark Side of the Force that has its parallels with religion. And it was at this time that I started having my nightmares.
Did you dream about men? Because nightmares of men and sexual acts often describe suppressed feelings deep inside that you may have for these men in your dreams.
No, no... The nightmares were definitely of Star Wars and of religion. I... I...
Go on... it's good for you to let it out.
I... hey, no reference to my being homosexual?
You admit it!!
No! That's not what I meant! Well, BACK to my dreams... I think I've been manifesting this in my head for awhile. But because of my dream, you see. Well, I think that Darth Vader and the Pope are meant to be one and the same!
Why, you ask? Well, in my nightmares, I've been having sex with Darth Vader while thinking of the Pope.
Wow... you are fucked up. And by the way, I'm not a woman.