Thats right, you heard me, I refuse to be conned, cajoled, bullied or otherwise into fixing your computer. Most likely the problem is one which could be fixed if you just read the damn instructions or even just thought about it for two seconds before yelling out 'BRETT!!' at my closed bedroom door.

Example of case: We've recently had Optus@Home broadband internet installed at home. Dad wanted to go on it while sitting in the loungeroom, so he takes my sisters laptop from her bedroom, including the RJ-45 cable which he had to disconnect from the socket in the wall. He sits in the loungeroom, having plugged the power back in, but not the RJ-45 cable.
When he then gets 'Cannot Connect to Server' errors, he wonders why. Instead of taking one or two mental steps back from the situation and seeing if the damn laptop is plugged into the wall (and then into my Slackware proxy/firewall/server etc), he comes and says sheepishly to me 'Um, I can't get on the internet'. Jebus!!, he was the one who helped me install the damn wall sockets in the first place. He's normally a smart guy, but sometimes I wonder.

One time that I didn't mind that I was beleaguered for geek help was when I was walking through the corridors at my High School. A teacher that I don't think I'd ever spoken a word to comes up to me (while I'm walking to the computer rooms, no doubt), and then proceeds to ask me a fairly complex question regarding their computer. I know that I have (had? - I'm in Uni now...), a bit of a reputation amongst the IT teachers (and I use the term 'teachers' loosely) at my highschool, for being the one to ask when there's a problem, but this was new.

It's maybe a little odd, but at the time I didn't see anything odd about this, (probably because I was still half asleep from my International Studies class I had just finished). I don't think I even raised an eyebrow at the question - I proceeded to answer the question, while munching on my sandwich, and continuing on walking.

I have lost count the number of times I have been annoyed by other students during IT classes at highschool. I thought it would have ended when I made it to Uni, but it's only gotten worse. It's always the pretty girls too, they know perfectly well, that if they do a little flirting I'm certain to help them. Well, that might have worked in High School, but its sure not gonna work anymore.

I don't think I'm alone in the geek community when I shout the words No I will not fix your computer.

I think I'm gonna go order that T-Shirt from ThinkGeek now.
"Download" is not a universal verb.

You didn't "download" IT
You may have "saved" the file
You may have "opened" the file
You may have accidentally done something right and "uploaded" the file...
in which case I will soon be waiting 20 minutes for my IMPORTANT eMail while I'm forced to DOWNLOAD your fucking chain letter full of poorly animated cherubs and corrupted .wav files of Wind Beneath My Wings
But you can not use "download" as a synonym for "it's finished, now what do I click on?"

You best not ask me to fix your computer

And you can not ask me, "Where did it download to?"
Well, you CAN ask me these things
but it will do you no good,
like buying the MSN package from Best Buy did you no good

because I will not fix your computer

I have many duties as "the cripple"
all of them are self assigned
I don't care what great computer wizardry the fucking cripple on TV pulled off

I have no desire to fix your computer

You don't need to tell me all the steps you go through while "trying to download the internet"
I couldn't begin to give a fuck
I don't want you "in virtual space"
Don't ask me, "which internet do you subscribe to?"
Even when you're confined to AOL your stupidity suffocates me
You waste precious bandwidth with every dancing hamster you view
You make message boards more useless with every "me too!" you type
You choke my eMail with every careless click of the "FWD" button
It is beneficial to me that you aren't on-line

So, no, I will not fix your computer

I like you broken

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