this place seems so unfamiliar, yet i know it well

i have decided to stop doing things that make me depressed. this is dangerous territory. this is a time in my life where i could very well stop doing anything at all. i should really have made a resolution to start doing things to make me happy, but anyone will tell you that it's easier to stop than begin.

i can't keep going to school for education's sake alone. it is becoming increasingly pointless and expensive. i can't bring myself to find a job i know i will hate. i've given up on buying a car - i will bus forever. (i will bus to locations with near-non-existant-transit).

i'm basically not allowing myself to dream any unlikely dreams...i'm worried one day soon i'll stop trying altogether

don't tell

Today I got a call that I thought might come.
Phone: O hi, this is Cyril from Bagbiter Employment Agency (To call an employment agent scum would be an insult to good wholesome algae). You remember that position at MegaPharm a month ago (I remember. Contract position of uncertain duration, long commute, huge corporation with wobbly stock price, outrageously high pay rate). Well, they are now back on track and would like to see you.

Me: It’s a pity that you didn’t come back to me three weeks ago (you bastard). I am employed now (at a sensible but non-spectacular salary).

Cyril: And how long will that position last?

Me: It’s a permanent role. I have no intention of going back into the (currently utterly crap and not likely to improve anytime soon) job market any time soon. Besides, I kinda like it here. I get to use Everything2

Cyril: Ok, that’s great. Thanks for letting me know. I’ll put you down to give a call in a year’s time.

I felt mingled vindictive pleasure and avaricious regret.

Pleasure from being in a position to tell one of those bullshit artists 'go away, I don’t need you', even if I did stay within politeness. Having to be consistently polite to these people, even when they repeatedly failed to call me back etc., lest they not help me was the thing that I disliked the most about being in search of employment.

Regret from not getting more money – the end of this month will be much appreciated. Besides, Cyril was far from the worst agent that I had dealings with.

Names have been changed to protect the involved.

I am in the process of taking everything in my scratch pad and noding it. I couldn't think of a better place to put this, so I decided to day log it. I realize it will prolly get downvoted, but that is ok. So... here it goes.

With nothing to live for, life is very dull and pointless. A person without direction will perish. Its true, hopeless people are more likely to commit suicide. When you feel like you have ran from all of your problems and they are still hunting you down, finding you, making you come face to face with them. When you feel like the whole wide world is in a big plot to make your life miserable. When friends who knew you long ago comment on how much you have changed, and it isn't your looks, but that you aren't as genki as you use to be. Or, when you are faced with the thought of living tomorrow, and it bugs you; you know you have reached the point in which you have nothing to live for.

Its true that human bodies don't fade, in a scientific way; but it is also true that our spirit can fade away. Why is it we associate enthusiasm with children? Because slowly the cares of this world are tearing our spirits away from ourselves, and we will eventually loose all will to live. It seems to me that this is the main reason people kill themselves. They may not use a knife or a gun to do the job, instead they might come down with cancer and refuse to fight it, or just even a common cold that gets so bad that it causes death.

With nothing to live for, is death so bad? 
We see that Hollywood makes us immortal,
But know this; I don’t want that.
To die is my right, One that you cannot take away.
I have no hope, no strength, no will to carry on.
If there is a reason that I am here, I cannot see it anymore.
  why am I still here?  
If I can no longer walk, will You carry me?
Will You be my reason to live?
Will You inspire me to breathe every second, 
 even when I don’t see the point?
When I cannot go forward, and sure as hell cannot go back
  will You be my reason to look up?
I need a reason to get out of bed everyday; 
  will You make the birds sing sweetly for me?
I don’t always want to exist.  Will You be my reason for being?  
I need to find love again.  I need to see beauty in my world
I need to remember that not everything is bad,
I need to cry, I need to laugh, I need to break my heart of stone.
I want to feel pain, I want to know joy, I want to feel Something….
I want to be whole again.

If you know somebody who has lost the will to live, please, let them know how much you care. A good step is to give them a flower, and make them look at it, to recognize its beauty. People who have nothing see very little of the world around them, life becomes monochromatic, and the simplicity of receiving a flower can be enough to break down some walls. Bring joy into their lives, help them love themselves, and eventually love others. Show him or her a sad movie; this may seem counterproductive, but in fact a good cry can really help sometimes. Let them know that you will be there for them, that they have a real friend who cares about them. This can do a world of good.

But please remember not to volunteer your time unless you truly mean it. If you despise the 5 am calls from the emergency room saying that they found your friend and had to pump the drugs out of his or her stomach, maybe you should just walk away. If you don’t want to be there 100%, stay out of the way. If you love someone so much, that you are willing to sacrifice yourself to help them, you might be the right material to help someone in need.

Something everyone can do to help those without hope is to Smile. Simple as that.

I hope you liked it. It is a guide of what to do if your friends are hopeless...written on personal experiance.


weill in japan: day 23

Work is boring but it's getting done. My laundry is nearly dry. The rains from a typhoon have come and gone. I have slept through an earthquake.

With the exception of a vocabulary quiz that I aced on two days' study today, I really haven't had much classwork to do this week. This has allowed for a lot of recreation and just plain rest. Right now my plans for the weekend are still up in the air, but hopefully something will materialize on Friday.

Typhoon 9 struck southwestern Japan today, but we got hit hard with heavy rains during the middle of the day. These rains were much more intense than the ones during Typhoon 7, but still nowhere near the level of the hurricanes I'm used to back home. Maybe these typhoons aren't the strongest ones possible, but my guess is that we haven't been hit with the full force of one... yet.

Sleep is essential to good starts in the morning, and yesterday was one of very few days when I actually got eight full hours of sleep -- no more, and no less. As a result, I was fully energized without any caffeine to wake myself up.

Today was another typical day of classes, followed by lunch on campus and a meeting with my professor. The class's attitude towards this one professor is trending as far negative as I've ever seen, especially considering that we are subjected to two professors for two hours a day every day. Her insistent corrections and use of a bell to indicate when we should stop speaking are obviously backed with good intentions, but they come across as very irritating. I don't think I've looked forward to Friday this much since high school.

Another trip to Kichijoji marked the close of the day. Unlike my trip on Saturday, this time around featured less insistent shop owners and a slightly more tolerable crowd size. Now that schools in Japan are on summer vacation, the Capcom Plaza arcade was packed with schoolchildren. Justin and I played Dance Dance Revolution -- his first time while in Japan, my third -- and failed. Repeatedly. Guess we need more practice and more coins.

The 100-yen coin is both a blessing and a curse. It's roughly equal to $0.86 in American dollars, but it is used as often as the American quarter dollar. Nearly all video games cost either ¥100 or ¥200. Capsule vending machines only take 100-yen coins, although a few also take the 500-yen coins that I dread losing. Coin-operated lockers, telephones, and many vending machines are centered around ¥100 price points. All this means that the coin is extremely easy to spend, and I've probably spent at least ¥5000 ($42) in ¥100s already. It's nice to have a coin that is worth so much, but at the same time I can't regard it the same way as a quarter.

There are only 16 computers in the library that summer students are allowed to use, and one of them was having network problems today. That meant that I had to wait for about 20 minutes to get a free computer, since college students need plenty of time to get all their e-mail and instant message conversations done. It really annoys me that we're not allowed to use the dozens of Windows 2000 computers that sit unused in the library -- not because they're Windows machines as opposed to Macs, but simply because they're perfectly good machines that we can't use.

Even though my trip to Kichijoji today was pretty short, I did a little gift shopping for friends and family back home. Although I didn't buy too much, I decided to jump at the chance to get the Opera Singing Santa that I first saw last week. For ¥1000, it's a bargain, and it'll make a fine prize for an upcoming College Bowl event. The big problem now will be wedging that large box into my duffel bag, and shuffling my various belongings around to get everything packed. My level of Stuff is getting a little excessive.

Just one more day and the week is over. I think I might just get through this week alive.

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