What is it like to be a
Canadian?
While the
title is the tag line of a successful beer advertising campaign that ran for a
few years, much to the delight of
Molson Brewery shareholders, it begs a better explanation. From my position as one of those self same
Canadians as described by the commercial's raging
tongue in cheek nationalism, I can sympathize with a bewildered
American audience. No one does
nationalistic pride like the
United States of America. The
red white and blue,
stars and stripes, bombs bursting in air, mom and apple pie, football and cheerleaders
motif has become universally recognized as America.
The American Dream. The American Ideal.
A lot of being a Canadian is shouting about how much we aren't like Americans.
Which is
silly, from one point of view. There is a reason that the
US-Canada border is the longest undefended border in the world. We generally get along as people. We have so many common characteristics that it is hard to tell us apart in a
crowd. The majority of the population of Canada lives within 200
kilometers (124.274238 miles) of the border. Most Canadians live in urban centers, watch American
TV, buy American
brands, drive American
cars, and live standard, normal
North American consumer lives. We have
malls, and paved roads, and skyscrapers and dogs and cats and kids.
Here's the
pickle: While everybody up here knows this, saying this in
polite conversation will cause
flatware to fall on plates, and jaws to drop in
aghast shock.
Why? Well, since
1867,
Canada has been the younger sibling in North America. The
Junior partner, if you will. It wasn't always this way. The Vikings landed in Newfoundland in the 1100s, and the French had been hanging round the St. Lawrence for nearly a century before
Virginia popped up in 1607 and stole our sunshine. If it wasn't for the
French, the original
Thirteen Colonies could well have been a bit higher on the map.
We owe the French a lot. That's why we try not
piss off their descendants in
Quebec too much. It hasn't really been working out too well, but that's another issue.
So, even in the very beginning, this country was defined by people busy trying to draw
tentative lines on a map that meant little to those living in the area. Come
1776, when America rose up against the English throne and fought the
Revolutionary War to form their new country, that silly line came in handy. People that didn't have much issue with the
King and his taxes stepped to the other side and went about their business. Some of that business involved telling the Americans that they were
ingrates for tossing out the
British. We've sort of stuck with doing this, as tradition. Old habits. We never had a revolutionary war. We sort of asked for our independence.
Queen Elizabeth II gave it to us in 1982.
1812 rolls around and America has a go at taking a bite out of the
British Empire, by way of invading Canada. Largely through
luck on our side and pathetic
incompetence on your side, we resist invasion, sneak into
Washington in the dead of night and burn down the
White House. We are really really proud of this. That we snuck into a city with British
sappers and destroyed
one building. But still, it was pretty
sweet. Once again, we define ourselves as "not Americans", with the help of British
Redcoats. We've depended on other countries for
military protection for a long time as well. Not to say that we haven't had armies. We've had great armies. We kicked
ass in the World Wars. The problem is that there just hasn't been
many of us for a long time. There are 10 Americans for every 1 Canadian. 300 million of you to 30 million of us.
America turned its attentions elsewhere, as America is wont to do, while we gazed fixedly
south. While we would never let on, behind closed doors, politicians were scared. Very scared. If America wanted to
steam roll us, they wouldn't have much trouble. The fear of
invasion had implanted itself deeply into the Canadian
psyche, even before Canada was formed. A solution was rushed into place. If you want to define a
border, you need people to live in the places along it. Empty land is indefensible. Looking west, politicians saw lots of empty space. How do you fill that space?
Immigrants. Lots of them. Lots of them
fast.
While America is the
great melting pot, where foreign people came to become model Americans, to change and chase that American dream, Canada became a
stewpot. Bits and pieces of cultures from around the world were shipped in
wholesale. No great base of people behaving the same way existed for new immigrants to
conform to, so they continued their old ways in a new place. We raced to build a
railroad west, our great
nation building exercise, back filling with
farmers to make a line across the map official. America was busily divided in half,
North versus South, while we rushed into place.
Our fear drove us to some of our greatest accomplishments. Our culture was born from gathering up all the spare people we could lay our hands on and letting them do their own thing.
Remember what I was saying about the French? We would have been
screwed without the French. In the beginning, most of the people in the area that was to become Canada were
French, from
France. It used to be called
New France for crying out loud. Back in Europe, England and France played their traditional roles of warring with each other.
The Seven Years' War (1756–1763) popped up and French colonies saw English troops besieging them.
The Battle of the Plains of Abraham, fought September 13, 1759, was the end of French rule in North America. Was it a huge bloody many year battle? No, it took
half an hour. Was that how the French lost the war?
Nope. The British-French hostilities were ended by the
Treaty of Paris, which involved a complex series of land exchanges. France was given the choice of keeping either New France or their islands in the
Caribbean, and chose the latter to retain their source of
sugar. They got traded to the English for sugar. Needless to say, they are still
mad about it.
Quebec is like a
microcosm of
Canada within Canada. Surrounded on all sides by another language, the people of
Quebec define themselves largely by their differences from the rest of the country. We argue amongst ourselves, but they have been a part of the country since before it was formed.
Canada in
North America is in much the same place. Surrounded on all sides by another country, culture and way of life, the people of Canada define themselves largely by their differences from America. We argue amongst ourselves, but we have been a part of the West since before it was formed.
Naturally,
self love is the most rewarding kind of
love, and
nationalism creates
competition. It's the same all round the world. When we trumpet about
hockey and
donuts and
strong beer and
French girls and
primo weed, it's not just because we think they are better, it is to puff out our
chests with a
little pride, to create that
twinge of
jealously in the hearts of the others, to
wave the flag like all others do. When you see somebody from another country being
patriotic, you tend to want to promote yourself. And who in the world is better at self promotion than the
United States? Canadians sometimes fall into the trap of taking this a step too far, enjoying a
moral superiority that sadly finds its way into our culture a bit too often. We try to keep a
sense of humor about it, just in case the tanks start massing at the border.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go
oot and put my
boouts on,
eh? The
polar bears are out back of the igloo sniffing round my neighbor's
two-fours and we need to make sure there is some left for
curling, ya
hoser. Take off! Gimme back my
smokes!
Kooo rooo koo koo kooo kooo kooooo koooooo!