9:50 now on Thursday night.
Well, I don't really know how to explain what I'm doing, or what I'm feeling. It really is hard and painful to put it into words. But maybe that will make things easier? I sure hope so. Here goes...
I read the node on lonliness a few days ago. At that time I was thinking "Yes, I remember those days, but now I think I found someone to take care of that." How wrong I was... again. My friend told me about a week ago that he thought we were just friends. I didn't believe him, I really didn't want to, I thought that it was more. Hmm, I really shouldn't doubt him anymore. Well, my friend asked her what she thought of me today, and lets just say she never saw me in that way. Another notch in my belt. But really, I do this way too often. I get caught up in the moment and lose my head. Why? Maybe cause I am lonely. Definitely because I am lonely. Not the superficial lonliness, but rather, the deep dispairing lonliness. I really can't stand it anymore. I sat down and listed all the people who would care if I would die. It was a thin list to say the least. Not even 20 people, including family, would really care. But thats just it, in the end, no one really cares. Who other than your family would really care that you were not here? What kind of a fucken difference would your life make? I know for sure, that mine doesn't matter. Does that lead me to suicide? Well, no, not really. I think it is both courageous and cowardly to commit suicide. I am not courageous enough to end it all, and I am more courageous to live through it. At least, thats what I think. I don't think I'll ever look to suicide. Is that good? Bad?
Ohh I am so tired, of everything. How can these types of things happen so frequently. What the fuck can I do? I have thought up of a good story to try to make myself feel better. Maybe I'll node it sometime later, but right now, even that isn't helping me.
"There you are, with that look on your face, as if you're never hurt, as if you're never down." - Faye Wong
I wish I could be like that, I wish I had the strength and courage to take all my pain like a real man. I wish I wasn't so weak and timid. I wish a lot of things. You know, I'm athiest by nature, I have never and probably will never believe in a God. Tonight though, I think I will pray. I have prayed a few times before, each time in a situation of desperation. Each time, making me feel a little bit better. Why? I think it makes me believe that the situation is out of my hands and into the hands of a greater being. I guess I just didn't want the responsibility, however wrong that is. Thats what life is isn't it? To carry responsibilities and to see how far you can carry them. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. But at the moment, I want to sleep so today will end, but at the same time, I don't want tomorrow to begin.
So what does this lead me to? Well, sitting in the library trying to hide the tears for one. What would make me happy right now? I really don't know, and that is what really is scary.
"Times like these really do test one's soul."