I love to drink.

I love it in that terrible, under 21, first year at college way. But, it doesn't lessen my love for it. I never thought drinking would be a problem for me. I just figured it would never happen. Really, up until recently, it hasn't been a problem. I would get drunk with my friends, drink some water, stumble home and wake up the next day hungover, but fine. I've probably always had more than I really needed to drink. I think its because some how in my head, I am a 300 pound football player whose just had a few steaks, instead of an underweight girl who usually eats about 5 hours before she starts drinking. But something has changed, worsened. I'm scared to drink these days. I'm scared because no matter what I say to myself, I know I'll drink too much if I can find a way. I can't remember the last time I drank and didn't black out. I've thrown up all over my bed two times in the past month. People are talking about me, asking me if I'm ok. I'm scared. Midterms are coming up, I do not want to have to worry about this. I do not want to have to stop drinking either.

And at the same time, I am watching my boyfriend do the same thing. Well, not really watch, because he is on the opposite side of the country. I'm more afraid for him because I can see myself and what I am doing, but since I'm far away, I can't see what is happening with him.

I'm afraid for both of us. And I don't know what either of us should do. And I want to call him, but its 8am there, and I don't think he'd appreciate being waken up so early, and really, what would I say?