A résumé for CHARLES H. TOADIE, professional minion wannabe extraordinaire!
To be chosen as a helper/lackey for any well-known criminal or supervillain.
Desired Job Type: Minion/Suck-up/Stool Pigeon--Temp work also acceptable
Desired Status: Full-Time, Part-Time, preferably live-in
Desired Salary: Room and Board and/or boss's generous cut from unfairly won earnings
Site Location: No Preference
Description of my perfect job:
Would like to be in a comfortable environment where my days are spent brown-nosing, laughing at my all-knowing master's hilarious jokes and rubbing my hands in glee over our villainous plots to steal riches and trap heroes, especially if the victims are in any way related to people who made fun of me in school. Would like to have some active duty carrying out plots I did not have any part in devising but agree with in spirit. Would enjoy a job dedicated to spreading chaos and confusion. Would prefer to be one of at least three minions, so that boss's misdirected wrath is less likely to always be cast onto me. Would prefer working with well-established villain but will work with newbies to the business as well. Would rather not replace a minion who has been struck down by the boss's own hand, but will consider it.
Career Level: Mid Career (2+ years of experience)
Date of Availability: Immediately
Company Size: Minuscule (less than five employees)
Description of my ideal company:
Any villain whose object of life is to terrorize innocents, myself and my family excluded, and to hoard wealth which he or she will gladly share with loyal minions like myself. Prefer working with villains who use lots of technology and whose plans and plots cannot be seen through by a five-year-old child. Special interests include being the minion to push the button that fills the hero's prison with cyanide gas and doing reconnaissance missions in cross-gender disguise.
US: I am authorized to work for any employer.
1989 - 1990/Dad's Garage/Dad's place in Jersey (now destroyed)
Handed Dad the tools he asked for. Diabolically handed the wrong tool at critical times and annoyed him impressively. Hid treacherous plans behind façade of stupidity, complete with drool. Job ended when house burned down and Dad died in the fire.
1/1991 - 6/1991/Hell's Pass Middle School/Hell, Michigan
Second-semester teacher's pet for math class. Often asked to pass out papers. Purposely and sadistically left spots of spit on corners of papers under the clever ruse of licking my fingers to separate difficult pages. Frequently dawdled in the hallways when asked to promptly deliver papers and was never caught. Once peeked in the girls' bathroom while on Official Teacher's Business™. Once entered the teacher's lounge and farted impressively, leaving behind a smell that would make cats shed their fur. Once wrote "Miss Browne sucks!" on the chalkboard before class started, and no one ever found out who did it--this is evidence of my ability to take down organizations from the inside if my skills are properly used.
8/1993 - 7/1996/DarkSide Publishers/Hell, Michigan
Columnist, Editor, and Perpetrator
Writer and editor for underground zine "DarkSide," in which three of my friends and I published radical anarchist information on how to perpetuate crimes against society. I was behind such notorious events as the Great Graffiti Attack of 1995, which was an act of urban terrorism committed by me and my friends and then reported about by yours truly. In this vile deed against all things decent, my friends and I spray-painted upon a well-known wall an assortment of distasteful depictions of people we hate and upstanding citizens like our principal doing things like picking their noses and eating turds. We also wrote a few curse words which surely struck fear and shock into the hearts of anyone who read them. Additionally, we published articles on where to get bottle rockets, how to make yourself faint by crouching down and then running forward at top speed, and what sorts of foods begin to smell bad after a very long time. The zine had a readership of at least ten people, including all four of the DarkSide creators, Todd's little brother, three kids at school, Old Man Thornton who reads it for the dirty cartoons drawn by co-columnist James, and my mom, who loves everything I do even though I am a filthy evil villain. Group disbanded when James moved and me and Angel had an argument over which one of us looked more like a weasel. (She does.)
8/1996 - 12/1996/Neighborhood Treasury/Hell, Michigan
Neighborhood Treasury Officer
I pretended to have an interest in history and archaeology to persuade my mother to buy me a metal detector. I publicly displayed scraps of junk that I dug up, calling them archaeological finds, while keeping valuable things to myself and selling them at the local pawn shop. In this way I have made an illicit $6.70 that no one ever found out about.
3/1997 - Present/Self-Employed/My mom's basement
1337 Master--aka Super-Secret Internet Hacker
Entirely self-motivated, I downloaded programs that more experienced hackers had written and dedicated myself to harassing others in AOL chat rooms with them. I was very well-respected and feared in the chat rooms I frequented, because I would come in the rooms and automatically feed everyone's chatting names into my insult generator. Then I would eventually be kicked off by a room monitor, at which point I would go on another stolen account and ask people for their passwords until someone was stupid enough to give one to me. Then I would repeat the above actions. I would also laugh cruelly while I was doing it, incidentally. In addition to this, I ran an illicit porn site which had no less than three naked women on it, and got at least 6 hits a day. I did not receive any money for this, but it was the pleasure of knowing that people who were underage could very well be looking at forbidden material that kept me going. This job ended when my computer's modem was fried by lightning and I had to take on odd jobs for a while to get money to buy a new one. Still haven't gotten enough money as I am addicted to Corn Flakes and Pop-Tarts, which my mom won't buy for me.
10/2000-Present/Mrs. Thompson/Hell, Michigan
I am given free cookies and soda pop and five dollars a day for spending time with an old lady named Mrs. Thompson who smells bad and drools on herself. I am her down-the-street neighbor so I was recruited for this purpose when I didn't go to college and my being found sleeping naked on a public golf course caused the police to give me a misdemeanor and my mom to subsequently punish me with social work requirements. It was at this point that I became quite diabolical in my thinking. I eat the free cookies (served by Mrs. Thompson's Assisted Living maid) and purposely get crumbs down in her sofa. At one point I was left alone with her and I went out on the porch and peed in her back yard, right on her flowers. I feed things to her cats that make them have diarrhea. And I keep leaving dead bugs in her sink. Once I even took a crap in her toilet and didn't flush on purpose. And when I'm supposed to be spending time with her, I make up stories about school that didn't really happen until no one is watching, and then I just listen to my Walkman. Mrs. Thompson seems to respond to everything I do by just drooling. Maybe one day I will get up the nerve to pee on the couch and blame it on her, but I am biding my time.
6/1997 Hell's Pass High School Hell, Michigan
High School Diploma
Did the bare minimum to get through school. No goody-goody extracurricular activities--all of my professional criminal experience was learned on the streets.
Skill: Peeing in unwanted places
Last used: Currently used
Experience: 20 years
Last used: Used in the last five years
Experience: 6 years
Skill: Smelly-concoction making
Last used: Currently used
Experience: 8 years
Skill: Diabolical Laughter
Last used: Currently used
Experience: 5 years
Mrs. Thompson/Neighbor-Lady/Senior Citizen
Reference Type: Professional (I guess)
Dolores A. Toadie/Landlord/Mother
Reference Type: Personal
Todd Johnson/Previous Best Friend/Old Work Partner
Reference Type: Personal
I am fed up with the mediocre life of a small-time criminal. I want to dress up as a woman and sneak into a large bank and rob them blind and shit in the vault! However, I do not have the resources, or, frankly, the knowhow to spearhead operations such as this, so I wish to become involved in a big way by opening myself to the world of organized crime. Because of my experience as a teacher's pet, I am very good at following orders and being obedient to authority figures, as long as they do not serve the greater good. If only I am helping to sow chaos by following orders, I will be content. I hereby promise I will not leave any of my patented excretions in my new master's chair or anywhere else in his or her secret lair.
I wish to be treated with respect and as little hair-pulling as possible, though it is acceptable for the boss to shout at me and bark orders as long as he or she doesn't mean it in a bad way. As part of the deal I would like to wear some sort of cool costume, preferably with makeup involved. I would also like to make sure that no boss I work for has anything against Corn Flakes, as I am a big fan and am planning to work for Kellogg's if this minion thing doesn't go through.
I am open for all hours and will promptly quit my job as a companion if asked to relocate to a dictator's secret quarters.