Earlier I wrote a node here, before I submitted it I read about everyone else's day. A certain node stuck out, and I realized that they were very similar. They were similar enough to sound like a "me too!". That was enough to make me ashamed. So ashamed, at the fact that I was doing something that I wasn't proud of. Also slightly embarressed that someone might think I was just trying to attention grab, and that I was making it up. Or that I was trying to "be cool", or that I thought I was just writing to brag about "how fucked up I am". This was enough for me to not to submit it.
An hour later I talked to this person, and voiced this. They understood. It made me realize how trite it was to assume most people aren't very understanding, and that it was retarded of me to fear the people who would assume I was like that.
Today started yesterday. I didn't sleep last night. I read from 3am to 7am while my boyfriend slept (we were at his place). Then played some video games. Around noon we ran some errands. Later on I went to a friend's, picked up some intoxicants, and around 8pm got stoned.
The day was a blur. My day has been 40 hours long so far, and not because I had so many things to do. Well I do, but I didn't do them. Instead I used that fabulous
dexedrine, to follow my
"stupid made-up, sounds funny.. but really can get out of hand it you let it" diet.
One of the fun perks of the dexedrine diet is, NOT FEELING THE NEED TO SLEEP! For hours and sometimes days. I decided to remedy this by buying some stuff to get stoned, so I sleep.
I don't get stoned habitually, but pot doesn't have any calories like a glass of red wine, nor does it have the "groggy in the morning" feeling that typical sleep-aids have.
Perfect logic .. snicker ..Blarg. What is wrong with me? Well I know basically what's wrong. I even know how to fix it. Stop. It is so easy to say, "Ok, I'll just stop", but it would be a lie to myself. Every day I stare at my reflection in the mirror, to see if my face seems slim or not. I check to make sure those stretch marks you get from losing weight faster than your skin can shrink are there, are fading fast, and that new ones are forming. Thank god this happened now, so they don't scar my flesh forever.
I wonder daily what would happen if I just said, "Fuck it". If I just let my body be healthy, but maybe bigger than I would like? I've done this. I just get upset that I was weak. I get mad that I didn't have the stregnth to strictly calorie count, and that I let myself have that last meal. That this time it was too late, and forever would I loathe myself for letting myself get so digusting. I guess I feel as if I am fighting to be, and look how I desire. {fuck blame|This isn't one of those, "My life is so crazy, my weight is the only thing I can reign over!" things. It really is about the size of my body.]
Tomorrow is Friday, I am allowed to have a meal.
The sick thing is, the anticipation of it will be more enjoyable. Because I know until that moment, I haven't had more than 4 pieces of gum, a ton of water, some vitamins, and a glass of Diet
Dr. Pepper since dinner on Monday
(Yesterday I didn't eat because I decided I needed to make-up for not dieting for a while.. yeah i know.. but it did sound good at the time). So not only do I get to have a nice dinner, it is a small victory towards being thinner.
the argument in my brain continues..