I remember when left was left, and right was right. For the first time in a long time, I feel like dying. I love my life, but hate it all the same.

I don't get it anymore. I just want to cry. I can't even do that. I cried on New Year's eve, but.. I needed a lot of liquor to do that. Same with after Gameworks. I love the people in my life, but sometimes it is so hard. It hurts so much. To watch beautiful creatures self-destruct. I don't know. Fuck.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to go insane, I want to loose it, I want to break under the pressure. I can't hurt those I love though, too many of them are leaning on me to break.

I feel so helpless, I don't know what to do. I used to curse my apathy, now I curse my awareness. Why me? I don't know why not either. Zen.. heh.

All the beautiful memories and feelings and love it has brought me.. my emotional openness, and perception.. I have had pain and sorrow. I am not saying it isn't fair, I just don't know if I can keep going on like this.