January 7, 2000

It's just 10 a.m., and it's already turning into an awful day. Aside from having to get up at the usual ungodly hour, I wasn't able to check my e-mail this morning -- the computer at home will no longer allow me online. Of course, my ISP will have no idea what's wrong and will insist that it's not their fault -- which may be true, as I've come to distrust my modem.

But then Things Got Worse. When I turned on my work computer, I soon discovered that an online magazine I subscribe to has published an article I wrote. Unfortunately, it's an extremely poorly-written article -- I wrote it mainly to ask the editor if I was using the right format. So now, my only publishing credit is a piece of crap. Does a world of good for my self-esteem, it does.

Then to close out the day, I got in a pointless online brawl with dannye. I didn't like his politics; he didn't like my politics. I pissed him off for no good reason. I wish I'd been sober, so I could've kept my common sense about me.

Actually, I've been a pill all day long. Apologies to anyone inconvenienced.

I remember when left was left, and right was right. For the first time in a long time I feel like dying.. I love my life, but hate it at the same time.

I don't get it anymore. I just want to cry, and I can't. I cried New Year's Eve.. but.. I needed a lot of liquor to do it. Same with after the bar with NeXT.Boy. I love the people in my life.. but sometimes it is too hard to go on and smile. It hurts too much. To watch the beautiful creatures self-destruct. I don't know .. FUCK.. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to go insane. I want to loose it. I can't hurt those I love though. I feel so helpless..

I used to curse my apathy, now I curse my perception. Why? I don't know, Why not I suppose.. Zen?

All the beauty and love it has brought me.. I have had some pain and sorrow, I am not saying it wasn't fair, or not worth it.. I just feel lost right now.. the 10 shots of tequila probably helped.. bleh