Survivor is
Chuck Palahniuk's second
book after this
debut with the extraordinary
Fight Club.
The
hero,
Tender Branson is educated in
Home Economics and throughout the book, he constantly gives out
hints and tips about
household and such. He even encourages the reader to take notes.
I present here the complete list of Tender Branson's tips as given in Survivor :
Stains :
- To get
bloodstains out of a
fur coat, use
cornmead and brush the coat the wrong way.
- For
bloodstains on a
piano, polish the keys with
talcum powder or
powdered milk.
- Blood on the wallpaper is removed easiest by using
cornstarch and
cold water. This will also help to get blood out of a
mattress or
davenport.
- Always keep a red
cloth handy to wipe up
blood.
- To get
tearstains out of pillow, dissolve five
aspirin in water and dab the pillow till they stains are gone. This will even help if you have
mascara stains.
- To get
lipstick out of a
collar, use
white vinegar.
- For organic fluids, like
semen, soak the stain with cold
salt water, then wash as usual.
- To get blood out from under your fingernails, wiggle them about in a lemon, then rinse them under warm water.
- For
cherry stains, rub the stain with a
ripe tomato before washing as usual.
Holes :
- The best way to hide
bullet holes in a wall is
toothpaste. For larger holes, use a mix of equal parts
salt and starch.
- To hide stab holes in tuxedoes, hats and nightgowns, use clear
nail polish on the inside of the
puncture.
Polishing :
- Polish
copper with half a
lemon dipped in salt.
- For
chrome use club soda.
-
Ivory and bonehandles on
cutlery are best polished with
lemon juice and salt.
Clothes :
- To get the shine off a
suit, dampen it with a mixture of water and
ammonia, then iron it with a damp
pressing cloth.
- For a sharp
crease on pants; turn them
inside out and rub the inside of the crease with a bar of
soap. Then turn them back the right way and iron as usual.
- Another way to get a
sharp crease is to dampen the
pressing cloth with water and vinegar.
- To determine the
fabric of clothes, pull out a few threads and hold them over an open
flame. If it does not
burn, it's
wool, if it burns slowly, it's
cotton, and if it burns away very quickly, it's
synthetic.
Makeup and the horrors of social life :
- To hide red, slapped skin, use green tint
moisturizer.
- To stop a small bleeding, use a
styptic pencil and close the
gash with
superglue.
- To hide that
the lady of the house has been
crying, use
blue or
mauve eyeliner to make her
bloodshot eyes appear whiter.
- Smooth out the
swelling under your
eyes by rubbing in some
hemorrhoid cream.
In the kitchen :
- To boil a
lobster, use cold water with a
pinch of salt, or an equal part
vodka or
vermouth and water. Boil the water slowly, using at least
30 minutes to let the water reach it's
boiling point. Add some seaweed to the water for a stronger taste.
- Bake a pan of
ammonia to clean the oven.
- The secret behind a perfect
Beouf Bourguignon is to add some
orange peel.
- Chill
bacon in the
freezer for a few minutes before frying it to keep it from
curling.
- Rub the top of your
meatloaf with an
ice cube, and it won't crack while it
bakes.
- To keep
lace crisp, iron it between sheets of
waxed paper.
- Protect your
steak with fat from other
animals while you are frying it.
- Boil a cup of
water in the
microwave oven to loosen
crud.
Miscellaneous tips :
- The correct way to drink
ice-tea is with the
spoon in. Hold it
opposite to
yourself between your
index and
middle finger. Be careful not to poke your own
eye out.
- Dip candles in
salt water and keep them in the freezer until you need to use them. Light them with a
strand of raw
spaghetti to keep them
dribble free.
-
White roses meant
silence in the
Victorian flower tradition.
-
Canaille meant '
unsurpassed excellence'.
- Sprinkle ammonia on a
grave, etc, to avoid your
dog to dig it open. For rats, use
alum, and
peppermint oil will keep
ants away.
- Make good
dust cloths by soaking rags in diluted turpentine and hanging them out to dry.
- Burn
zinc in the
fireplace to to clean the
chimney for
soot.
- Blot up broken glass with a slice of
bread.
And lastly, Tender Branson would have shot you for :
- Putting butter on the
bread before breaking it.
- Drinking your beverage with
food in your mouth.
- Spooning towards yourself.
- Sitting without a
napkin in your lap.
- Using your fingers to move your food.
- Eating before everyone has been served.
- Blowing on your
food to cool it.
-
Talking with food in your mouth.
- Drinking
white wine by holding the
bowl, or
red wine by holding the
stem.