is Chuck Palahniuk
's second book
after this debut
with the extraordinary Fight Club
, Tender Branson
is educated in Home Economics
and throughout the book, he constantly gives out hints and tips
and such. He even encourages the reader to take notes.
I present here the complete list of Tender Branson's tips as given in Survivor :
- To get bloodstains
out of a fur coat
, use cornmead
and brush the coat the wrong way.
- For bloodstains
on a piano
, polish the keys with talcum powder
or powdered milk
- Blood on the wallpaper is removed easiest by using cornstarch
and cold water
. This will also help to get blood out of a mattress
- Always keep a red cloth
handy to wipe up blood
- To get tearstains
out of pillow, dissolve five aspirin
in water and dab the pillow till they stains are gone. This will even help if you have mascara
- To get lipstick
out of a collar
, use white vinegar
- For organic fluids, like semen
, soak the stain with cold salt water
, then wash as usual.
- To get blood out from under your fingernails, wiggle them about in a lemon, then rinse them under warm water.
- For cherry
stains, rub the stain with a ripe tomato
before washing as usual.
- The best way to hide bullet holes
in a wall is toothpaste
. For larger holes, use a mix of equal parts salt and starch
- To hide stab holes in tuxedoes, hats and nightgowns, use clear nail polish
on the inside of the puncture
- Polish copper
with half a lemon
dipped in salt.
- For chrome
use club soda.
- Ivory and bone
handles on cutlery
are best polished with lemon juice
- To get the shine off a suit
, dampen it with a mixture of water and ammonia
, then iron it with a damp pressing cloth
- For a sharp crease
on pants; turn them inside out
and rub the inside of the crease with a bar of soap
. Then turn them back the right way and iron as usual.
- Another way to get a sharp crease
is to dampen the pressing cloth
with water and vinegar.
- To determine the fabric
of clothes, pull out a few threads and hold them over an open flame
. If it does not burn
, it's wool
, if it burns slowly, it's cotton
, and if it burns away very quickly, it's synthetic
Makeup and the horrors of social life :
- To hide red, slapped skin, use green tint moisturizer
- To stop a small bleeding, use a styptic pencil
and close the gash
- To hide that the lady of the house
has been crying
, use blue
or mauve eyeliner
to make her bloodshot eyes
- Smooth out the swelling
under your eyes
by rubbing in some hemorrhoid cream
In the kitchen :
- To boil a lobster
, use cold water with a pinch
of salt, or an equal part vodka
and water. Boil the water slowly, using at least 30 minutes
to let the water reach it's boiling point
. Add some seaweed to the water for a stronger taste.
- Bake a pan of ammonia
to clean the oven.
- The secret behind a perfect Beouf Bourguignon
is to add some orange peel
- Chill bacon
in the freezer
for a few minutes before frying it to keep it from curling
- Rub the top of your meatloaf
with an ice cube
, and it won't crack while it bakes
- To keep lace
crisp, iron it between sheets of waxed paper
- Protect your steak
with fat from other animals
while you are frying it.
- Boil a cup of water
in the microwave oven
to loosen crud
Miscellaneous tips :
- The correct way to drink ice-tea
is with the spoon
in. Hold it opposite
between your index
and middle finger
. Be careful not to poke your own eye
- Dip candles in salt water
and keep them in the freezer until you need to use them. Light them with a strand
of raw spaghetti
to keep them dribble free
- White roses
in the Victorian flower tradition
meant 'unsurpassed excellence
- Sprinkle ammonia on a grave
, etc, to avoid your dog
to dig it open. For rats, use alum
, and peppermint oil
will keep ants
- Make good dust cloths
by soaking rags in diluted turpentine and hanging them out to dry.
- Burn zinc
in the fireplace
to to clean the chimney
- Blot up broken glass with a slice of bread
And lastly, Tender Branson would have shot you for :
- Putting butter on the bread
before breaking it.
- Drinking your beverage with food in your mouth
- Spooning towards yourself.
- Sitting without a napkin in your lap
- Using your fingers to move your food.
- Eating before everyone has been served.
- Blowing on your food
to cool it.
- Talking with food in your mouth
- Drinking white wine
by holding the bowl
, or red wine
by holding the stem