Everythingians are an intelligent people.

I was faced with the dilemma of opening a wine bottle that had been a gift to me (even though I know nothing of wine, except that I prefer white over red) without a corkscrew, so I thought I'd offer this quandary up to the E2 catbox to provide evidence of the problem solving prowess our people bear. I was amused, and enlightened, to say the least:

qousqous: suck. real hard.
Failed. Besides, I've always been advised that you weren't supposed to suck.

Kit Lo: Bite, twist, and scream about teeth falling off?
Thought about it, but, I've decided to keep my teeth, thank you. I have better things to bite. *evil grin*

narzos: take a pen knife, shove the cork down into bottle. Not reccomended if the wine's any good.
I'm saving the "push cork in" option for last. Will a serrated knife do? Hmmm..

leighton: Hmm. Got a long screw (ed: *snicker*) and a pair of pliers?
leighton: (and a screwdriver?)
Screwed in. Squeezing bottle between legs (An aside: hm, I wonder if I can use my vaginal muscles...I *have* been doing my Kegel exercises) PullingPullingPulling... *panting* ...Pulllllinnnnnggggggg...okay. This baby only budged a centimeter. Next!

qousqous: Just take a hammer and whap the neck of the bottle off
If I get desperate, I'll keep this in mind. My flatmate won't appreciate me breaking glass in the middle of the night, though.

qousqous: Oh, just take a sharp knife to cut the cork apart, and put a vacuum cleaner up to that to catch the cork bits as it falls apart
Well, if I had a vacuum cleaner, I sure as heck ain't feeding it my precious bottle of..1999 South Eastern Australia Hardy's Chardonnay..ummm..sounds good to me...I'm not sharing!

Infinite Burn: you buy wine that has a twist off cap. If you're someone who worries about wine quality then you should have a corkscrew. Otherwise you're the twist off type :)
I'll keep this in mind for next time, my dear boy. But Thanks for playing. Please come again.

anotherone: hold it over a bucket and hit the neck against something hard.
Oh, I'm getting to that point by now...grrrr...

leighton: Are you in a dorm? Find someone with a Swiss Army knife...they often have corkscrews.
Alas, I'm in a cozy quiet apartment in the Bronx..I *do* however live upstairs from a bar, but I don't wanna be the sole white girl wandering in with a bottle of wine in my PJs. Pass!

Infinite Burn: dee: attach nipple clamps to the cork and pull. I'm pretty sure it will work
If the cork was outside the bottle, this could be brilliant. But, it's not. So I can't. But now you've got me thinking about nipple clamps and...

ThePope: if you have a ball inflation needle, a good pump, and a fresh cork, pumping it out should work too. (WWMD: what would mcgyver do?)
Kudos to ThePope for his alternate advice and a good node: Tonging a wine bottle

Timothy Woods: "I've got it. Some French guy showed me the trick one drunknen evening. You put a knife over the cork and hammer it into the cork using the palm of your hand. Repeat this downward motion until the cork is fully down the bottle neck. By now the knife will be stuck in the cork. Start to pour the wine as normal and keep pushing the knife down, which is now stuck in the cork, as this allows the wine to pass through the bottle neck. Hey presto!!!"
Anyone try this? I don't drink wine anymore :)

- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

So I've run through the first ideas. I'm thirsty. This bottle is taunting me. I want it. I'm fiending. I search frantically around my room for the hammer, drag the duo into the kitchen sink and give it what obviously wasn't a hard enough whack. I whack it again, cringing at the noise it's making in my stainless steelsink.


I take the back end of the hammer and get excited because wiggling it back and forth while pulling on the screw is yielding some results. Then the cork breaks in half. I salivate.


Another fruitless whack. I peel off the rest of the label to see just how far down I'm supposed to be hitting and realize that only a third of the cork actually came off that first time. Doh! Back to step one. I put the screw into the rest of the cork, try pulling, but it only laughs at me as it pops out, crumbling some of the cork as well. I try to scrape the cork out, to no avail. I finally decide to push the cork in, sadly watching as it slides effortlessly down the neck of the bottle, into the fruity pool that my palate awaits.

/me raises glass in a toast to Dai-un