Why I Need A Deity Firewall

I went to log in one of the CS department's Redhat workstations. Nothing happened. This was not agreeable to me; my life is on that network. Luckily, the system administrator were around.

"O great ones!" said I, "Wherefore does this network vex me so?"
"Foul disk hog!" said they, "Thou art over thy quota!"
"Zounds!" said I, "Wherefore speeketh I like a dork?"
"I dunno. Let's see what we can delete to get you back on to the system..."

So we started looking through my directory. Everything was pretty normal, except for one of my old class directories. Five megs of C++ code? I don't bloody think so. We ended up finding a file named something like .nfsOED5. I had never seen that file before, and had no idea where it came from. So, we opened it up with vi.


"What's the book of Genesis doing in my code directories?"

That's right, Genesis. The contents of .nfsOED5 were as follows (minus some syntactic stuff)...

Being the first book of Moses
Chapter 1
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light......

Somehow, some way, the Almighty hacked into my directory and implanted his version of how the world came in to being amongst my doubly linked list code files. This scares the bejeezus out of me; how do you stop a hacker who (according to some) CREATED THE WHOLE UNIVERSE?! What's next, Psalms cluttering up my Mozilla? Joshua popping up in my makefiles? There is only one answer. A God-proof firewall. Perhaps something to shunt divine energy into an alternate plane of existence, or some kind of Godhead IP Denial system. For the time being, I'm simply instructing the network on existential philosophy, hoping it will come to atheism on its own. ClockworkGrue suggested teaching postmodernism, so the computer would see God as just another user, but I'm willing to bet that God has some l33t h4x0r skillz, quickly defeating any conventional security.