Has there ever been a substance so precious, and at the same time so hazardous, as nodegel?

The extraordinary lengths one must go to to preserve every little drop are well documented, as are the awful consequences of its being mishandled.

The recent meeting of ISO Committee NG2000a, formed to develop a standard set of nodegel handling procedures, only made matters worse.  The committee dissolved in total disarray after a heated argument over the proper shape of the magnetic containment field required for transporting the stuff. A transcript follows:

FranceAgenda Item IIIa: the use of a D2 orbital field.

USA: Ridiculous! A nutating slice through a duosesquicentihyperhedron has always worked for us.  Those dumbbells always bleed virtual freegel and dissolve the ceiling tiles.

Netherlands I don't see why everyone's making everything so complicated.  I haul the stuff around in my van in 20-liter plastic buckets lined with plastic garbage bags all the time.

(silence of about thirty seconds, followed by throat clearing)

CanadaI wish my colleague from the States would at least acknowledge the McGill University study showing a D2 to be the most stable shape.  In Appendix H, it clearly states that problem is solved with a proper distraction for the containment field operator.

USA: Yes, I read that, but it can't be right. We tried to replicate the results and lost the fourth floor of the student union building.

UK: Bad luck, that. It's a shame; the coffee bar was on the fourth floor.

USA: I miss my biscotti.

Canada:  And if you had followed the instructions and given the operator a book of poetry instead of a cup of coffee and The Weekly Standard, it would still be there.

Russia: Poetry, bah.  Operator will fill with all sorts of romantic notions and abnegate significant other.  Nodegel field operators read Chekov and only the occasional refrigerator drawing will dissolve.  Which frees up magnets to strengthen field.

France: Let the record show that the representative from the Netherlands has just dissolved into a pile of magenta goo.  I suggest everyone run for their lives.

(much shouting, followed by terrified gibbering, followed by silence)

When the Emergency Nodegel Containment Team arrived on the scene, it was too late. Opening the door revealed that the meeting room had been replaced with the missing coffee bar.  The only survivors were the British delegate who happened to have a pocket Wordsworth and the Tanzanian delegate, who was not a coffee drinker.  Sadly, the British delegate now collapses in terror whenever she sees a daffodil.

On a happier note, the event caused the staff of the coffee bar, thought to be lost in the original disappearance, to reappear.  In addition, a noted particle physicist and one of his graduate students, who had happened to have popped in for some biscotti were also recovered.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.