When, in the course of events, one finds himself or herself desperately wanting to say the three scariest, and most beautiful, words in the English language; it is necessary to consider the wisdom of such a statement. Often, it is evident that it is not wise to say what you really mean when it comes to people. The timing must be determined quite carefully.

There are many reasons for this:

  • You are a control freak, and by being the first person to say, "I love you," you have somehow lost a huge amount of ground in the relationship battle by showing your weaker side. Later, you might use these same words to manipulate events to your liking, but not until the other person has said them first.
  • You are scared. You are scared shitless that the person, to whom you want to profess your love, might not feel the same way, or might feel obligated to feel the same way, and the relationship could never be the same again. You fear rejection, or you have been burned in the past. Perhaps, you are even scared that you will make a mistake. That you don't really love this person. That you will realize, one day, that you were just caught up in the moment, and could possibly cause a world of hurt in the end.
  • You are too logical. You realize that love is a crock of shit, and that you are just being silly. This does not make you want to say the words any less, in general.
  • You are too self-analytical. You have mental battles in your head over whether it really is, indeed, love that you are feeling. You want to be sure. Perhaps you should take a 3 month vacation, come back, and if you still feel the same way it will be okay. Perhaps you have a some deep psychological issues that could be tricking you into believing that you are in love, when in reality, you couldn't be further from the truth. Perhaps you have been eating too many foods that are aphrodisiacs. Maybe it is that time of the month, and you don't trust yourself any more than you would trust your little sister's boyfriend.
  • You don't love the person, you just feel compelled to say it anyway. This is a bad situation to be in. You realize that you want to love him, or her, a great deal, but in reality, you know that you do not. This person may have already professed his love to you, but you can't, on principle, truthfully say it back. You are a smart enough person to realize that the negative consequences here are much worse than the immediate gratification of saying, "I love you."
  • You don't speak English, so the words, "I love you," might as well be, "Kukiii wappi hosenfleet." Why are you reading this anyway?

Generally the reasons for not saying, "I love you," are a combination of a few of the above reasons. It is hard to avoid saying this phrase, especially if you mean it, in those quiet moments that you share with your new love/lust. Thus, I have compiled a short list of possible ways to avoid blurting out this wonderful little sentence. New ideas are always welcome.

  1. Stare deeply into the eyes of your new love, and bite your lip very hard. Smile. I find this is my most common approach, it usually works, but your lips will hurt after a while.
  2. Think of something to do other than engaging in the beautiful silence that makes you desperate to blurt out your feelings. Physical distractions work well. Play with the hair of your beloved. Poke her in the armpit playfully. Nibble on his ear.
  3. If the words start to come out by mistake, be creative. You can even rescue yourself in the most drastic of circumstances. For example:

    YOU: "I lo . . . ath your mother."
    YOU: "I love . . . to have lots of wild sex!'"
    YOU: "I love you . . . kulelies! We should go to Hawaii sometime."

  4. Pretend to cough, to "break up the moment".
  5. Try to picture that beautiful person taking a shit. I know it is a rude awakening, but we all do it, and the thought helps distract you from your emotions.
  6. Tell a lame joke. Something really horrible. It will allow you both to let out a little steam. Something like:

    If American people throw rice, do Oriental people throw Hamburgers?

  7. Instead of saying, "I love you," say "I love your eyes," "You're so sexy," or "Yummy." These are similar, but not nearly as dangerous, ways to express some of the emotion that you feel.
  8. If it is a man that you love, invite him to a quilting bee. This will surely break up the mood in no time.
  9. If it is a woman that you love, suggest that she join your quilting circle. She will be very confused and the mood will be lost.
  10. If it is a gay man, or a gay woman, the previous statements still apply. Unless, for some reason quilting bees are very loosely defined in your part of the world. None of the above applies if you are Amish; and shame on you, for being on the Internet!
  11. Find a kitten and give it to your love. You don't need to say a word in this case. (Make sure your love doesn't collapse convulsing, while around cats, first.)
  12. Use the restroom. This is a very easy way to avoid multiple, uncomfortable situations.
  13. Avoid sleeping near your love, if there is a slight chance you might talk in your sleep. If you don't know, better safe, than have your true feelings discovered.
  14. Avoid people who are not talkative. The more talkative people are, the less chance you will have the time to get the words in edgewise.
  15. Similarly, become extremely talkative. If you talk all of the time, you can just keep talking instead of allowing for those uncomfortable pauses.
  16. Tape your mouth shut. This method doesn't usually work for long, so it is only a supplemental method.
  17. Never allow yourself to be alone with the person that you think you love. Go out with friends. If you don't have friends, make them quickly. Party with the people on the sidewalk (unless you live in Washington D.C.)
  18. Make use of your habits. When the mood is tense, grab a cigarette, mix a drink, make a sandwich, chew on a pen cap, holler random obscenities out the window, or pet the cat.
  19. Get a cell phone. Set the alarm to ring at random intervals. Pretend to have heated discussions with your Ex. This generally helps break up the mood.
  20. Buy a computer and learn to code.
  21. Really big hugs and kisses work well in the correct situation.
  22. Move.

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