sometimes, i get out of bed and i walk and speak, i am, and then, i fall into bed only to realize that i forgot to wake up. i did not open my tired eyes to the day. i forgot to believe or feel for anything so strongly that it might reaffirm my suspicion that the universe is probably a lot more than i am capable of comprehending. switch off. switch on. and then i broke it. (i break everything.)

i miss intensity. yours. ours. the closeness. miss it. long for it. perpetually.

..

we're making this shit up. (i make it up, when i need to.)

and this day has not yet unfolded.
"Sometimes I wonder if there really is any cure for depression. I wonder if I'm just a defective model, if all the drugs and the therapy are really just a way of hiding that I came off the assembly line flat out fucked up. Maybe I just need to be sent back while I'm still under warrenty." - Elizabeth Wurtzel

I made my appointment to talk to a counselor today. Monday. bleagh

I'm taking this therapy thing slowly again. I just don't know if this is the road that I need to be taking, but I know that I need to do something. I will not spend my life like this.

My mom came to town this weekend - I haven't seen her since my grandpa's funeral at the end of August. We have, however, been talking a lot about the depression thing, which I'd never told her about. She doesn't even know that I've been in therapy before.

My whole family's being really supportive, actually. My mom made me this little box of "reasons why Krista is wonderful" - slips of paper why she and my dad, brother, even some of her friends think I'm wonderful. Very sweet. Actually, I cry every time I read them. Part of the deal was that I have to periodically add to the box, adding my own reasons why I like myself.

*smile* It's not exactly a cure for depression, but it's a sweet idea. Who knows? It might even help.

"Birds flying high, you know how I feel. Sun in the sky, you know how I feel. Leaves drifting on by, you know how I feel. It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, yeah. And I'm feelin' good." - Nina Simone

Some really freaky stuff happened at school today. S.A.D.D., the organization of Students Against Destructive Decisions, put on a an odd skit of sorts. Basically, a guy dressed up as the grim reaper went around, class to class, asking for various members of S.A.D.D. to go with him. When asked how long they would be gone, Death just turned to his hostages and asked "How long does it take for you to die?"

Later, the student would return, wearing all black, save a small red ribbon. The students would not talk for the rest of the day. I soon found out that this was to represent the number of average people in a group that will die of drunk driving related incidents.

At the end of the day, all of the students lined up in the main hallway, standing stoicly, and remaining silent. It was really a disturbing spectacle to behold as we exited the building for the day.

Yo! Today is my birthday. Yay! Woohoo! Yippee! Sigh. Vote this up! Err. Send me money on paypal. Hehe. Sure. Like that will work. I don't even think anyone will read this, they just dump their votes on the day logs.

Today I have a test in my computer course, {basic hardware/software concepts). I also have an appointment with an advisor where I will tell Mr. Dirks that I don't think the ACS minor is right for me, and why. Then I will decide what to do with my time. Do I abandon my now useless courses, or do I attend, hoping to keep my GPA up. I am getting an A or B in 4 out of 5 of my courses, so I may just not attend one anymore, as I am already failing it. It's not lack of effort. No, wait, it is. I just don't care. My other courses are far more interesting to me, and I really don't care about drawing Data Flow Diagrams using the CASE software: Cool Tool. A professor told me today that I was a "true wit." This makes me feel good inside, you know, as if my smart-assed comments are actually good for something.

Me and Bryon talked about our collabrative story, and I have a great idea. Something to do with the flow. We've got a ether theme going, involving ethernet, ether the drug, and T.S. Eliot's The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.

I've determined, after much thinking, that I really don't like a cow-orker of mine named Bill. He asked his girlfriend today over the phone, "What are you, stupid?" There was no tinge irony, I almost got up and slugged him, and I am not a violent person. He then insinuated that a friend of mine was dating some type of female animal. My friend is less tolerant of stupidity than I, so he yelled at him. I felt some pride well up in my soul as Bill was berated and mentally fucked with a chainsaw. You could see the confusion on his face, as if he couldn't understand that some people saw women not as something to be chastized, but cherished. This is my problem with the massive young conservative movement. I don't care if you're religious, fiscal conservative, pro-life, whatever, just leave me alone.

MTV had a campus invasion today here at ISU thanks to De La Soul, Black Eyed Peas (however you spell it) and Wyclef Jean. I secretly wanted to slice open the giant inflateable MTV logo with my Benchmade ATS-34 and the CRKT KISS knives I keep on me at all times.

Thank you for the happy birthdays. I don't drink alchohol, though, so I guess I'll have to settle with literature. :-)

Three hours of sleep and it's time to wake up. First day of work and I'm running late. Great. Breakfast is skipped and later regretted, twenty minutes after the agreed hour I arrive at the mardi gras barn. I work hard for eight hours, get things done, physical things - I like using my hands for more than typing. The splinter was well-worth it. Tomorrow's shift is seven to three. God bless America.

I didn't sleep through anything today, and I didn't even use my alarm clock. I rule.

Went to the store and got what I would eat for lunch. Basically easy mac and hawiian punch, just by different names. There is no point in buying name brand anything... it's all the same thing.

Went to work and dealt with whiney customers, as per the usual. A couple bonuses were that I got my laptop 20 minutes after I walked in the door, that rocked. Oh, and I found out a co-worker who also went to high school with one of my best friends, is also Pagan. Very cool cause now I have someone to talk to that I haven't scared away quite yet.

Came home, realized that I don't have a cat5 cable for my new laptop, "the little guy" and walked up the street to mooch one off of zot-fot-piq. This makes two cables that I owe him. I need to take care of that, stat. As well as a few other things relating to zot. Oh, and I watched the history channel with sane guy tonight for a bit. As always, his presence is very educational.

Walked back down the street to my house and have been on everything ever since while being told that there are pictures of me at Saturday''s party. I'm scared.

I was supposed to study.. But then again, I'm supposed to go to class too. Whatever.

Morning...

11:30

Hmm hmm hmmm...

Strange TV program thing last night: On MTV3, 22:30: The X-Files, episode titled "Millennium", and 23:25: Millennium. =)

I made my own personal record... It was over 5 o'clock in the morning before I finally slept. What the hell they put into coffee these days if one cup keeps me awake for over 6 hours? =)

Well, I got the Schedulist's table creation routine to actually work last night, at least to some extent. First, I hated myself for not writing Readable Code... and when I sat down and read the code, I understood again how it worked!

16:01

Hmmm.

I made an interesting discovery: I commented out the MRU/MTU settings from my /etc/ppp/options and the Inttter net thingy started working MUCH faster. I got over 12 kbytes/second from ftp.funet.fi (with 2-channel ISDN) when I downloaded the newest Mozilla.

  • Cool about the new mozilla: Apparently the bookmarks work a bit better.
  • Bad about the new mozilla: Now the "modern" skin seems to have this f&#%@&ng "candy" progress bar. I Don't Like It Very Much.

17:49

Oh, yeah, forgot to add... I had a haircut today. Just what I need to scare my grandmother. Next summer, even more so, for the Hedgehog shall Crawl from the Den. =)

Well, umm... I just spent some time fixing the Script-FU page once again. Homepage has now more links. I wish the iki.fi redirection would get updated soon...

20:14

I want a SuperCPU. I really, really do.

23:12

Just as no one probably already noticed, my home node now reads I'm an Artisan. Woe upon my soul.

Anyway... I'm probably too "old" to node about noding, but I'm telling ya something. My noding history shows I mostly node about ideas and things. I ocassionally node about persons, and rarely about places.

What does this tell about me? Probably that I'm a geek who doesn't go out too much, but at least knows someone. Or maybe not. Maybe I just use the word "stuff" too much, and use the brains producing nothing. =)


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Internet-Käyttäjät Ikuisesti SuperCPU IFLI Wave
Updated: Commodore 64 How to prove the bible is wrong

Well, it's two in the morning so I'm starting to doubt that I will actually make it to my eight o'clock class. I'm already starting to feel the crispy around the edges about school and the semester is only half finished. Ugh.

On the positive side, I got a second wind of noding ferocity that got me motivated to node some more African-American History notables. I think that more people should know who Ralph Abernathy was. I'm going to try to work my way through the civil rights era this weekend. Unfortunately, the girl will be off at some teacher training sleepaway camp so I'm planting my butt in front of this here box and filling in some blanks.

Winter is definitely on it's way to Colorado. I can feel it in my nose the way that arthritic folks can feel it in their bones. I may have lived in Colorado for two years but my nose is still living in San Francisco. This is the most dry climate that I've ever lived in. Nothing like the daily nosebleed to remind you that you live in the mountains.

I was lucky enough to scam about $3k worth of tools from a friend who works for a large nameless corporation. It brings up an interesting question when thinking about the idea of stealing intellectual property. I would not use the software that I use if I had to pay for it. I would do without before plunking down $600 for some imaging software. I will never spend that kind of money on anything that comes in a box smaller than my head. I'm curious about what other people think about this. I'm sure that my radical ideas about the commercial software distribution have already occurred to others but I'm still curious.

A big ole happy birthday to danlowlite. Spankings will be held here and are not limited to those who were born today. Just those who were born yesterday...

12:49

What, it's almost the end of October already?
This autumn is going by incredibly fast. I like it this way though, because up here in southern Finland we have already reached the point when all the leaves have dropped and sunlight is a rare sighting. With this type of season right after summer, I find it impossible to comprehend the vast amounts of Finns disliking winter. The crisp way-below-zero temperatures and the beautiful snow make a refreshing change to the ~15% of the year when everything is dark and depressing.
Then again, the fall been much warmer than the x0-year-average, so we might be looking at +1c and heaps of slush until the end of January. In case this worst case scenario really happens, I'll be noding from the North Pole.

By the way..
Happy birthday, danlowlite!
Who the hell says nobody reads day logs?

Hmm. I really need to become more active on E2 again. There's a billion things to node, but work seems to be cutting my time here severely.
Intolerable!
How could I node a lot more back when my workday was multiple hours shorter and there was just as much to do? I seem to be completely out-of-sync nowadays.
Of course, quality should always come before quantity. I myself am quite happy with the improvement I've made regarding the content of my WUs, but judging from the downvoting many others are not. Too bad for them - I don't give a rat's ass about XP anymore.

While having lunch at the downstairs diner, I started wondering about over-sweet dessert. Apart from motivating a child to eat that asparagus, what is the point ? Granted, a well-though-of piece after the main course can really tie the meal together. But at least in the lunch joint in this building, dessert seems to mean a big load of insanely sweet goo which only makes you nauseous. Their rhubarb slime doesn't taste of anything other than sugar. I'm surprised my teeth are still intact.
And that concludes the whine-part of this day log. Thank you for your patience. Ahh, this is so therapeutic.

Time to return to my PHP slave duties. More later.
To be continued...

Description of argument in the wee hours of the morning about cardinal directions has been noded separately.

kanon42 meets my mom, today. The last time one of my SOs met my mom, the first few minutes (for which I, having gone separately from a different starting point, was not present) consisted of my mother

  • extorting her not to breed with me ("don't pass on those horrible genes of ours!")
  • telling her that I'm weirder than I first seem, and that anyone with any sense should run away, very fast
  • .
Fortunately, anyone who comes within shouting distance of me and has two brain cells to rub together can generally percieve the quality if perhaps not the quantity of my eccentricity (and thus, if they stay within shouting range it's their own damn fault).

This also means we spend several hours amid rush hour commuters on public transportation. I intend to amuse myself with Pratchett.

back | days | forth

Damn my manic lack of concentration

I went into town this lunchtime, after solving the clearcase problems we have been having for the past 6 months. Apart from trying to navigate the teeming hordes of people that seemed determined to trip me up or block my path, I was moving fast and managed to get everything done that I needed. (I am on crutches after an operation, dear reader) I bought a train ticket to get to the airport on friday, and it was much cheaper than I thought it would be (£14.50 as opposed to an estimated £40). But, of course, I just had to look in River Island and saw the gorgeous tops and pants/trousers they have on display.

I Want, I Want, I Want!!

Of course, I made the mistake of telling my project leader that I had fixed clearcase; he instantly assumed that the entire team would have the software installed, connected to the new source repository and trained in it's use by this afternoon. Hah! It will take weeks until the whole thing is finished. So he will have to wait. For a long time.

Hmm, travelling by train with crutches, a rucksack and a weekend suitcase will be... interesting.

19:05 BST

Well, that was fun :-) I have been picking out photos from my Mother's vast collection to take with me on my little trip... This of course sparked off a huge nostalgia session, which was lovely :-)

previous | next

Erf...

Feeling slightly better. Getting back into school, hopefully I can actually get myself out of the stupid mess I'm in. It'll take a lot of work. I don't like work. Blarg. Anyway, I'll have to actually sanction this weekend off for only work. I'll get everything done and start to have a good time afterward.

Today I'm doing stuff that I can't do at home, my English presentation and 2 math tests. Yikes. I've got this pleasant habit of going into a math test and not knowing anything about it. The thing is that all our tests are open book, so usually I can just read over the chapter, do some example problems, and then write the test. While that sounds really cool, I don't think it'll work with the 8 tests I have yet to write. I don't know, but I guess I'll have to see.

The English presentation is next class. In 2100 seconds actually. I hate speaking in front of groups... I can't wait until it's over. Don't know if I'm going to be able to do much more than the math test afterwards though... I've got a really bad public speaking phobia, and I don't think my teacher understands this. Oh well... hopefully I won't suck, and hopefully she'll say I tried my best or whatever.

Listening to Optimistic by Radiohead and it's making me feel slightly better. That's so fucking corny.

Blarg.

Ok, I finished the presentation and I didn't die.

Yay!

I don't want to ever do that again in my life.

My legs are itching still... I hope this isn't going to last for a week and a half like last time. Oh well... I'll know better than to shave from now on. I'm thinking about using Nair from now on as suggested by emil greer, although it might get pricey... I need a job, but I'm too lazy to work.

*sigh*

Speaking of work, I've got to go to math now. Yucky numbers.



Today's music selection:

Björk - Selmasongs
Various - Big Rock'n Beats (Wax Trax)
Radiohead - Kid A
SPASM - Street Fighter Alpha 2 Underground Mixxes "Da Soundz of SPASM"
Various - London Acid City
Underworld - Everything, Everything
Woke up a little late, sat up, looked out the window. Wondered "Why is everything white?" Realized it was some major fog, went back to sleep. Screw math section.

Today is the day that procrastinators fear the most. The day before. Before what? Before my chem lab is due, my reading has to be done, and my math prelim (basically a midterm, but Cornell has to be special and give it a name no one else understands). Yep, all that on one day.
Tonight is going to be epic.
Maybe i'll get some sleep tonight, maybe i won't. Its all a mystery in college land.

Happy B-day Danlowlite! Try not to get too drunk.

Driving down the mountain to work today, I saw three horses, one white, one dappled gray, and one chestnut, racing through a field together. It was beautiful.

Last week I was leaving early while it was still dark, and had to stop because a group of four deer, including a buck, blocked the road. They weren't afraid and definitely were not in any hurry. They just stood there and looked at me and one by one made their way into the manzanita hedge and away. I didn't think until this morning of counting the buck's points.

Exercise log:
  • Pushups - 35 (yah, I feel rugged)
  • Side-kicks - 40, each side (ouch!)
  • Situps - 90 (slow and steady on those. Feel the burn!)

Insomnia: Mild. Took me a little while to sleep. And I overslept so much I decided to take the day off. Good thing I have a job where I can do that.
Tongue log: Apart from the urges to kiss random people to see what it's like, it's mostly back to normal. The divot is barely noticeable. Not bad for four days of healing. On the other hand, my teeth are taking on a blueish hue thanks to all the listerine I have to gargle.

I have to come up with a costume for a costume party this weekend. I was thinking of going as Bug-eyed Earl from Red Meat, but realized that finding a pewter cow-skull western tie clasp would be a bitch. So I think I'll go as a raver. That'll confuse 'em.

I start off my day with Orbital's Satan

"It's better to regret something you have done, than somehting you haven't done at all...and if you see your mom..."

It gets worse from there. I had to make up a Sociology test at 7, so I go and take that, at the end of the school day I found that I have failed it, a nice 65. Also, since I got so little sleep last night, and had no caffeine, I went through serious withdrawl. Sleeping in school is bad enough in one class, but I recall sleeping through all of Music Lit and Chemistry and being repirmanded for both. Now I'm home, my mom just hung up on me for being rude on the phone and I still have no lock.

15.50 bst
Central Station looks really weird when there aren't any trains in it..

With the recent spate of trains falling over and such, Railtrack decided to close the main line to London with just a few hours' notice. This means that you can't go much further south than Motherwell by rail. And because of some weird blip in the timetables, there was nothing on all but two of the platforms at the station.

20.30 bst
so what else happened today? Went into work at lunchtime-ish, but didn't do a whole lot other than take advantage of their ADSL connection. After a bit of cable-swapping, I still couldn't get Windows Networking properly, though. Dunno what's up with that, but they just plain can't see each other.

Oh, and it looks like somebody's figured out how to get a line break in an SMS. Just got this:

Press down.

down more

OK

more

YES

ahh

ohhh

yes

ur almost der

yeah

oh shit

harder

SO GOOD!

mmmm

That's textual intercourse!

Pretty cool, huh? :) Original SMS available on request, /msg me your number and I'll send it on. Apologies for elongating today's daylogs

23.20 bst
Just checked my GSA email.

Dear Student,

Kodak have arranged a lecture for Wednesday 25th October at 1.00pm in the Mackintosh Lecture Theatre.

The speaker will be Warren Saunders, a professional photographer and he will be talking both about his work and how to earn a living as a freelance photographer in an increasingly competative commercial environment.

There will also be Kodak magazines and information available as well as an order form for heavily discounted Kodak papers and film.

Regards,

Postmaster

This woulda been great. It's amazingly appropriate to the project we're doing in the class at the moment. But they sent the message at 9am. I didn't have time to check my mail before leaving the house this morning. Why on earth couldn't they have sent it earlier?

grr.

Happy Day Danlowlite and Zot-fot-piq!
(and all others relevant - I can't find the Everything Birthday Metanode right now)

I got /msg'd by a user who found my original guilt-depression wu too harsh. So I removed the words "stupid", "cynical", and "self-absorbed", replacing them with less pejorative and more thought-out ideas. It is not my intention to insult anyone needlessly. However, when I posted the rewrite I noticed the original had been C!'d. Now I feel bad; perhaps my incisive phrasing was what earned the C!, and the C!'er now feels bad having appeared to C! a mealy-mouthed waffle.

I'm being a bit harsh; it's not mealy-mouthed, just a bit more politic, which is always good. And hopefully more useful.

I *am* concerned, though, about what prompted the complaint in the first place, which is my instinct to be dismissive of people's mental tribulations. This is because from teenage through twenties I was a too-clever, rebellious loner with all sorts of issues about self-worth, discipline, authority, obligations to society or lack thereof etc etc. In other words, I was pretty fscked up myself: failure, more failure, depression yada yada. And I turned out OK. Despite NOT being rich or even financially secure, having zero job security, living in a country this schizoid, going through an election this depressing, not even turning the TV ON for over a year because it's all crap, getting only 42k out of my modem 'cos we chose to live where the air is cleaner and land is cheaper, owning a six-year-old car and a thirteen-year-old car... I am happy. Most of *what matters* is actually OK. I have a wife I couldn't have dreamed up and a baby that's an angel. I have a job; I haven't killed myself or anybody else (that I know of; a couple of those rockets DID go out of sight, heh).

The fact that you have air to breathe is reason enough to be grateful the rest of the day, so I get annoyed when people whinge about stuff that isn't of mortal peril. Whoever said "the more you complain the longer God lets you live" is a person I'd like to choke the living shit out of for being an unimaginative ungrateful blinkered Philistine clod.

My life has kind of been in a whirl the last day or so, but now there's that thought in the back of my mind that I just know it's going to be okay. I know that I'm going to be okay. And that's never really been there before. I've never really been so sure of that. I'm okay when everything is not okay. And it's true.

I know that I have friends. Even if they might not be the best of friends or the closest of friends or the friends I don't even talk to in more than riddles. But they're friends, and I know that they care about me, even the ones that never really say so.

I took a long walk last night. A walk around my neighborhood, something I haven't done in years. I didn't put my contacts on and I didn't bring my glasses, and I couldn't see a thing. It was just kind of nice to walk without having to see anything. It was a walk I needed because I was fighting myself. Fighting my selves that have always been there and the ones I put away and the one I am now.

I have a strange fear of dogs. Once, when I was little, I was petting this stray dog with a friend of mine. He seemed to enjoy it and I was happy. I don't know what happened, but he suddenly jumped on me and started growling. I got so scared I ran down the street and even when I knew he was out of view I couldn't stop running. I ran and I ran until I couldn't run anymore. I crawled into a bush and I sat there for hours crying.

All the dogs were barking as I took this walk. And all I could think of is that I wished a dog would come out and kill me then, an irrational thought. I just kept hoping and I wasn't afraid. But as I began to walk back towards my house and the dogs barked even louder I couldn't bear it anymore. I ran and I ran and I didn't stop until I got home. Because I'd won that fight and I didn't want the dogs to come out and claw me anymore.
I'm really debating what to do with my hair. I haven't had a haircut since April or so. It's starting to consistently hit my collar in the back, and it's getting in my eyes when I'm not wearing my now-everpresent hat. Several of my friends have told me it looks terrible, and should get cut, but others have said that everybody goes through the bad hair phase when growing it out, and I should stick with it. I'm going with ambivalence right now.


Today's morning was off to a really bad start. I literally had to drag myself out of bed this morning for some reason. Once I was actually dressed and at Voyager.network, I felt better, but I wanted nothing more than another, say, six hours of sleep or so.


Last night my roomate and I continued our slow process of watching all of Babylon 5. That show completely blows me away. We'll be finishing Season Two tonight, I think. That's becoming the high point of my week. I'll be really sad when we're done.

I'm sick today. I drank some bad milk yesterday, and my hands are killing me and I think I caught some bullshit going around the office.

I took a sick day and stayed home and slept and nursed my hands. The hydrocodone my mother gave me has enabled me to node. I'm coming up on level 3 pretty quickly.

Today marks my seventh day as being a member of everything. I hope I'm doing allright.

I was supposed to go play drums this weekend for David Willerton but he decided to cancel because we haven't been able to practice yet.

I'm in limbo right now. Next fall I'll be going back to college to finish my Bachelor's and then my true path to a career as a composer will start. I'm just biding my time and making money now.

No writing premise... difficult... ugh... must keep... interest... argh

Well I'm all registered as a speaker, my name badge is even a different colour to "mere" attendees. One problem though, they haven't printed my white paper. So now they're rushing around trying to run off 200 copies of a 17 page PDF file. Such organisation.

There's a welcome dinner tonight. I may go. In my usual hormonal self I was pleasently shocked. I watched the attendees check in line, and there are geek girls, lots of cute SQL geek girls. Damn!

Total attendees are running at around 1,500, which means filling 200 people for my talk will not be a problem. This is the largest group I will have preached to. I may even end up using a microphone, which I always try to avoid.

Meeting New Riders for lunch tomorrow. I was supposed to meet factgirl today, but mini-factgirl decided to stream snot from her nose and turn into a grouch, so that was called off. Still off to Wintersweet's Saturday and I'll meet a few noders there.

I love American drug stores. Migraine started at around 1:00pm, all the perscription drugs in the UK are available over the counter. Worrying, but great. The doses are smaller, but you just end up taking multiple tablets to make up perscription strength.

I'm excited about speaking. Worship me cute SQL geek girls. (Yea like that's going to happen)

I don't particularly remember last week in great detail. What certainly did happen after my last daylog is that I spent Wednesday night at the apartment of the oject of my desire again. I went home sometime, probably after midnight. Thursday night was the night of dinner and The Red Violin. I called her while she was working and told her quite clearly: This is me being decisive. We're going out to dinner tonight. I felt pleased with myself when she replied simply with Okay. She got off of work, changed her clothes, then stopped by to pick me up. I took her to The Olive Garden--nothing fancy but nothing so plebian as take-out--my treat, and had the great misfortune of being seated next to a table of ten or so drunk, white trash pigs that were so loud we couldn't hear each other talk most of the time. We laughed it off.

After dinner we went by the grocery store and bought something to drink; if you've not had Harp beer, you might want to try it. It's not as balanced as I like, but it's very smooth and quite good. When we got back to her apartment, she put on The Red Violin.

Let me tell you, The Red Violin is great. I enjoyed the film very greatly, except for the pale, sickly appearance of Jason Flemyng, both nude and clothed. About the time the violin reached China, the phone rang. Rather than stopping the movie, the object of my desire went to her bedroom and spoke there. At first, I thought she had gotten off of the phone as she went to the restroom, but she did not return to the living room. I waited, and could hear her quietly talking. I assumed, correctly I would later learn, that she was talking to her boyfriend. After watching twenty minutes of the film without her, I decided that it was time to take my leave. It is unnerving, uncomfortable, and awkward to sit alone in someone's dark living room. I put my shoes on, paused the movie and walked to her bedroom. The lights were off in there as well. I told her I was going home. She replied with What? Why? I told her that I was leaving because I go there to spend time with her. She asked me to stay, but I told her I could watch the movie another time. With that, I took my leave and went home. Several minutes after being home, and I mean only several, the phone rang.

We ended up talking for about forty minutes until we were both falling asleep on the phone. She apologized and felt awful. She thought herself a bitch and though I thought it quite rude what she did, I was not angry with her. Whether this is attributable to my continued infatuation with her or the fact that I understand she is a bit short on common sense I do not know; what I do know is that I forgave her repeatedly and told her she had nothing about which to feel bad. She continued to feel bad, but assuredly, she has forgotten.

Friday I gathered my things together and left for Berkeley. A very close, and very dear friend of mine in whom I find comfort no where else attends school there and lives near the campus. Being my birthday the week prior and his two weeks hence, I decided to visit him. I took the bus because I never bothered to get a license and thusly do not own a car, and because there's really no other way to get there. I arrived, I sat.

Immediately upon sitting, I noticed his gargantuan glass bong. We smoked. We continued to smoke for several hours and ate our way through two pizzas and four games of chess. Finally crashing to sleep quite sedated and very happy, I woke the next day to the sound of wind.

For those in the bay area this past weekend, it was quite windy.

We got up, showered, dressed, and went down to eat. We managed to avoid the crowd on Telegraph and returned to his apartment a short while later. We called a friend of his who lives in a fraternity just half a block from his apartment who was our meal ticket for some ecstasy. I had never done ecstasy and was fairly interested. After smoking more marijuana over the course of the day, the evening, the night, and the morning, we found ourselves in the frat house, upstairs, in a room with Geiss, loud music, disco balls, a padlock on the door, a bunch of fucked up people and a drug dealer.

After waiting about a bit we picked up the e we had ordered and enjoyed.

It was fucking heaven.

It was ecstasy. They are not kidding.

If you've not tried e then I strongly suggest that you find some and give it a whirl; you'll not regret it. It is very spiritual, very uplifting, and just fucking awesome.

I kind of blacked out a bit after that because I have no idea how we came into the water, orange juice, or candy we had. We did nonetheless. I found myself back at his house lolling on his couch wondering what the FUCK is in that stuff, because it's fucking GREAT.

Eventually we crashed and I woke the next day, Sunday, to prepare for my arduous journey back to my home. I showered, dressed, got high, got higher, smoked some more to make sure I was high, packed my things while smoking some more to go in after the previous smoke to make sure it had made it, and then smoked some more to see why the second smoke hadn't checked back with me yet.

I had Jack in the Box, boarded my bus, and--disheveled but alive--arrived back home some five hours later, still a fairly high.

I got back to my apartment and did the usual things: checked E2, checked my email, and signed onto AIM. Wouldn't you know it, the object of my desire was on. Wouldn't you know it, less than an hour after getting home I find myself in her apartment. In addition to that, I find her worried about what has happened with her boyfriend over the weekend. She states quite clearly, knowing that I brought drugs back home with me, that she really just wants to "mellow out."

I produce my drugs for her and we revel in their abilities.

I went home a short while later and found myself asleep within minutes. Monday night passed without incident, given that I was extremely tired from my weekend and slept fifteen hours, and given that she tried calling to tell me she was going to bed as well (alas, the phone was busy and she resorted to email).

On Tuesday night I returned to her home. We sat about drinking and joking, and talked about some things. I admitted I gauge her replies to what I ask her and how she replies to what I say; she took it as being that I test her. I find great difficulty in trying to explain to her that it isn't testing and that I simply do what I do in order to learn how she responds to certain things, and thus learn to anticipate her and just to plain get to know her better. Worrying about that will only cause me grief, though.

I feel so carefree.

In my stress.

That I could.

    Just



        fall



            a

              p

                a

                  r

                    t


That was last night. She was also excited and combative. I'm not sure why, but it was only partially jovial to me. It's an interesting turn that I had not suspected and am fairly certain that someone has told her that I maintain an active interest in her. The only catch is that only one person that we both know is aware that I maintain this interest and he would not say a word. Perhaps it is paranoia? No, that is too harsh of a word. I would say it is more at worry of a jeopardized friendship because she feels uncomfortable thinking I desire more from her.

Today I spoke to her in person a few times. I emailed her and she myself, but I've noticed that she overlooks many of the things I do for her. I bought her a movie on my birthday; I bought her dinner and watched most of it with her two nights later; I soothed her worry of having offended (notably not hurt) me when she left the film to talk on the phone; I compliment her daily; I go out of my way not to comment on what I think she should or should not do regarding her problems with her boyfriend; I wish her a good day several times each day; I thank her any time she does something for me; I go out of my way to travel to her apartment to see her so she doesn't have to come to me. I go out of my way to reassure her that she doesn't need to drive me home, so she can go to bed instead. Maybe it's all superficial, or maybe it just doesn't mean anything anymore. Maybe she just doesn't notice, and maybe I should better direct my efforts elsewhere. Maybe I'm overreacting and expecting too much.

We spend a lot of time together. I'm not sure why I'm doing it anymore, really; she cares for her boyfriend a great deal and talks about him more than I'd like to hear given my own inclinations. I enjoy the time we spend together though. I don't work well in an atmosphere of more than two people. I prefer to be one on one with my closest friends, and this time gives me nearly immutable pleasure. We talk, and joke, tease, and just have fun. This is what friends do. She sees me as a friend. I desire her as more. What will I do if I decide that the pursuit is not worth the effort any longer? Remain friends? Remain as close as we are? Pull away? Reveal what the feelings I had kept to myself for such a long while? I will see what happens.
Cool day. I previously had partitioned my HD into 30gigs for Windows and 10 for SuSe but decided I wanted to try another distro with less HD space. Wouldn't you know it, I lost the disk with the FIPS info for restoring my old settings. Thus I have to delete both partitions and make new ones. Yay. So I spent yesterday burning CD's with archived email, IRC logs, installation programs, updated drivers, contacts, movies, anime, source code, Quake maps and mods, text files, essays, webpages etc. To save CD-R's and make things overall quicker, I uploaded 4.3gigs of MP3's and various other stuff to Chris over the network.

Finally the hour arrives.

It's pretty scary deleting your primary partition. Very, very insecure feeling. Mind racing and scrambling trying to remember that one thing you forgot to backup. Wondering, "should I have scandisked the HD in case of some well-placed bad sectors?" "Am I sure that I want to do this?"

Windows98 SE install goes well. While it was copying the files I read my Bible some more. Finished Matthew, it was okay, it was all about the life of Jesus. Good summary about what Christianity is supposed to mean. I skipped ahead to Revelations and got a good ways into it. After rebooting computer, I noticed in the bottom of my drawer a CD was snapped in half. Yay. Not too bad, it's only my Voodoo3 drivers. Oh well, I can download newer ones anyway.

--

Wouldn't you know it. I COMPLETELY forgot to backup my Litestep directory. All my hours spent hand crafting my own theme and dozens of handmade icons are all gone. I think I have most of the old ones on home computer. I made 5-7 new ones here at college, and they shouldn't be too hard to repliclate- just time consuming and tedious.

I also installed latest Mozilla (m18). They changed the skin from "Mozilla Style" to Netscape 4.x buttons. I wonder why. Netscape had redesigned their entire site to resemble the new Mozilla style- a lot of people were complaining that they didn't like it though. I guess Netscape gave up on it... Grr, Mozilla's faster and stabler than before. How am I supposed to find bugs and problems with it now??? Arg! They even satisfied most of my wishlist requests!! Oh well, I guess it's for the better.

Something really good that came out of this whole mess was that my sound card is acting properly now. Before it could only play one sound at a time. Now it all of sudden realizes it can do TWO at a time! For some reason I find this sooo cool. Now I can I listen to music AND listen for AIM/ICQ messages...

I showed Chris how to use DJGPP (or gcc that is). He's really impressed over the whole Allegro graphics library. Probably won't need my help now with his 3D engine. I still want to help, but now I'm thinking of using Allegro for a blatant ripoff of Escape Velocity (Mac only). John and me were going to do it over the summer in Java. Haha, like he was actually going to learn Java and then still have intiative/time to write his part of the game. Don't get me wrong though, he's a good guy, but has no will to put effort into something. I'm pretty lazy myself, but I definitly try and work at some things. That reminds me, he still has my Java book.

Chris, Gabe, Claire, and I were planning on going to go to DC on Saturday, but Claire has to house sit. I suggested we just keep her company for the weekend then. She refused immediately. Eventually I ended up convincing her that it'd be perfectly fine for just me and her to house sit then. Too bad I wasn't serious, because then I had to find an excuse to get out of house sitting with her. Not like I wouldn't mind spending 36 hours alone with a smart and beautiful girl, just that you know what would happen. And the consquences of such are pretty scary (commitment being number one... she's like my best friend- no way would I want to jeopardize that). Though I wonder if she really did want me to come and was just pretending to not to. She's hard to read. Then again, I'm bad at reading. Mostly because people reading me or reading other people piss me off. My roomate does that. Rather than say something constructive about your flaws, he just likes to say "I KNEW you were going to do that!" Fairly annoying, but he's cool otherwise.

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