Well, it sure didn't take me long to fall off the wagon; missed two days of updates. Sorry.
Physical: My weight remains constant at 189 pounds. Because this is "technically" in my safe
weight range for my height and build, I am pleased, but not entirely satisfied, with this. More crunches,
and continuation of my current eating habits is required to reduce this. I have been doing crunches
daily (the right kind; where you pull your gut in, not push it out).
Emotional: The strain of everything still weighs heavily on me. As she suggested it might, the
raw pain I feel is morphing into a sort of dull ache. Whenever I see her body unclothed or barely
covered, I long to reach for her and to touch her, but don't since that's no longer my privilege. Anytime
I'm close enough to her (at a movie theater, a dinner table, in the car, in the same room for longer than
a few minutes), I pick up her lovely scents (soap, shampoo, body odor, whatever) and they always make
me feel good.
There are still times when the intense waves of pain, hurt, and loneliness return. I'm loathe to
admit, though, that these are decreasing. I feel guilty as my mind begins to at least consider the
possibility of "officially" releasing her exclusive hold of my heart's affection and my mind's
faithfulness to her. Of course when you're being faithful to someone who doesn't want to date you or
have sex with you anymore, it means you're not dating or fucking anybody :). The guilt is weird. Am I
staying "faithful" to her and leaving myself available in the hope (possibly/probably in vain) that her
heart may change its mind someday? Am I just afraid of getting back out there into the "singles scene"
since I don't have a clue what to expect and don't want to get hurt again? Am I worried about hurting her
feelings (pretty deeply, I think) if I do find someone else?
I don't know right now what the answer is. The good news is the "burning urge" to be with someone,
anyone, has subsided entirely. Our friendship together remains strong, and she's proving herself
a good, loving friend every day that passes. The fear that she's just going to toss me out on my ass is
gone. I really am turning inward, but not in the bad way -- I spend time thinking things through and
working on myself, instead of just racing out there for a new relationship.
It's good for a number of reasons, but most importantly among them is the fact that I'll emerge from this
a stronger, better person, and a better mate for whoever I do ultimately end up with. I won't ignore the
additional benefit that staying single means she still has a shot at me :) My mind seems to think that
eventually, I'll have to stop waiting for her. Right now, though, my heart doesn't want to. Nobody else is
"in line" for me that I know of, so my heart doesn't have to. I still love her, and no point in
stopping right now. Given that she, too, is waiting for someone else right now, that might just
work out fine. A lot can happen in a month or two. Seal's tune Don't Make Me Wait (Long) comes to
mind, though. It's the not knowing part that generates lots of agony (and if you happen to be reading this,
don't rule something out that you're unsure of just to spare me some suffering -- you're worth it, and if
there's the slightest chance, I'll take it :)).
It's still weird to us both to revisit places we'd gone together on dates, knowing we're not dating
anymore. The movie theater was weird tonight, for example. The only other time I'd gone to that theater was
also with her. On the way out of the theater, we kissed a good amount in the elevator. It occurred to me
tonight that that very night was our last real "date". It was the day after that she first told me she
didn't think it was going to work out between us long-term. Sure, I opened up a lot and "salvaged" it for
awhile, but we were only really "dating" for about a week after that before she decided, again, to give
the other guy another shot.
Remembering that last date, and being back there tonight knowing I couldn't just lean in and kiss her
beautiful lips, was hard as hell. Having said that, I don't want to stop doing things with her. We still
work well together. I'm still her #2 in the company. It feels pretty damned good to know I'm second in
command at a pretty impressive business. When she heads out on vacation next month, it's all in my hands.
I'm glad she still trusts me enough to do that. She really is making good on her promise, so far, to keep
me in her life.
That's what keeps me going sometimes.
In terms of sleep, well, here it is, 6:30am and I'm not even tired yet. I took Unisom three nights in
a row (ending Friday morning when I got up), and I'm stopping that because it kept me asleep until 4:00pm.
I think I'm having some pretty nasty nightmares lately, too. I don't know this from remembering them,
but from the fact that when she comes downstairs to wake me up each day, the past two days I've apparently
all but lept out of my skin. She says when I wake up I'm just terrified, startled, and disoriented. I can
vaguely remember this, but no details of the dreams.
Regardless, I'm clearly not enjoying the mindtrip she wakes me out of, so I'm grateful to her for
Spiritual: I haven't heard from my spirit guide Jacob for awhile now, but it's okay. I've
tried to be more receptive to actually hearing from him, so I figure maybe right now the other
side just doesn't have anything important to say to me. I'm okay with that. I try to talk to him and to
God on occasion. Not much to say these days that I haven't already said. I suppose at some point I need
to find the strength and trust to hand it all over to him for awhile (hey, maybe I need more help than I
realize?). That's hard to find. I might manage it though. I hope so. I'm curious to see where he might
Financial: Not much change there. Got the car paid for at least. Now I'm just past due on
NextCard and Discover, and I'm driving on expired tags on my Spyder. We'll see how things work out.