*sighs*

I've managed to figure out, with the help of my head-shrinker, one of the reasons why I don't do well with relationships... and that reason is because intimacy terrifies me. Seriously.

This past therapy session was actually a very good one, for finding that out and on many other levels -- for example, one of my persistent problems is that I have a low self-esteem... I do not view myself as lovable. My therapist (bless her heart!) had me write down the things that I viewed myself as. And I couldn't come up with a single negative attribute, other than fucked-up and confusable -- but even those had good aspects, that I could use to work through my problems. Eventually, I stopped writing, and simply told her, "Okay, you win," and put down the whiteboard marker.

The exercise that she used to figure out my fear of intimacy was a rather simple one: She had me stand with my back to the wall. Then, she stood directly in front of me, told me that she was going to put her arms out in front of her, and walk towards me until her hands were touching the wall to either side of my head. As soon as I felt at all uncomfortable, I was just to raise a hand in a "stop" gesture. Simple, right? Well, in theory, maybe, but before she'd taken two steps (she was about 8 steps away from me), I almost had a panic attack.

Regardless, though, this session taught me a lot about myself... why I'm afraid to commit, why I'm afraid of intimacy, why I stay a playboy instead of settling down and growing up.

Damn, but if I were into blaming others instead of trying to resolve my own problems, I'd really be hating my brother right now.

Two days to Christmas

... and my life is a mess

But I enjoy this mess, so no compassion is necessary. And there is also the small detail that I created a part of that mess with my own little hands, so (Robert A. Heinlein docet) I should just toughen up and node.

The good

The Popocatéptl has stopped its tremors and smoke and vapour and belching show, to the vast relief of the poor bastards that live close to it and the even vaster peace of mind of the authorities that can't really think about how to evacuate a city of 20 million inhabitants, that sits in the middle of a valley with not so many exits. I realize that this was not a very elegant sentence.
The weather is very good.
I gave in to my nerd nature, and got myself a Nerf gun. Now I can be annoying and nerdy as well ! I also have a beard, a moustache and wear suspenders !

The bad

My SO's grandmother died. I had only known her for a couple of years, when old age had already made her deaf, nearly blind and almost incapable of movement.
Our conversation required much shouting on my part, and a lot of effort on hers. We did not really have long conversations.
My SO, told me about how life was when she was a kid, and her grandparents were relatively young. Apparently, they were loving and happy people. Then, Eugenia's grandfather died and today, on the morning of the 22nd day of December, his wife followed her.
Her last years, as far as I could tell, were not that happy: she was reduced to an extreme dependency from other people. And even if she was mostly treated with care and love, it must have been hard for a proud person. And she was proud.
She had a very good memory, to the last, and she would never forget a name.
I had mixed feelings about conversations with her: on one hand, I grew up with old people and I always enjoy it very much when people unroll their memories. On the other hand, I am not very good at talking loudly.
But there was something else; in the last times, when people asked her "How are you ?", she would answer "I would be better off dead". To which there is no good answer: you can't say "Yes", and it taxes truthfullness to say "No, no, never, it is always better to live".

These are bad days. The father of my boss died on Wednesday. Someone I worked with when I was in Pittsburgh died on Tuesday. These are bad days.

The ugly

Yesterday was the faithful day of the Big Serious Talk with my SO. I said that I wanted to be out the relationship. We both cried. I don't know how to write about this. I don't even know if I should. I fear that she would get amazingly pissed off at me. But this is where I live, after all. And I don't have close friends, here.
Why do I want to break up ? It is a difficult question, and at times I have the impression that his is not actually me doing this. Of course, this is just a cheap-ass excuse, like what all stupid murderers say "it wasn't me, I felt compelled to do it, I can't explain it now". Well, the fact is that it is you. No demonic possession at work here. It is me. And I am tired. As easy as that. It is not the circumstances, not the weather, not the pollution. It is just that, after 5 years, I am tired, and I want out. And, by the way, I feel like a total ice cold bastard that should have no contact with normal humans.

Anyway, this means that I will probably be leaving the country in some time, maybe one month, maybe a bit more, depending on the job. Which means that I am looking for another job, possibly in the US. Is it appropriate to post a CV here ?

The sum total is above zero

All these terrible news, and the end of the year give me a strong feeling of a season ended. It was a long season, full of good things, interesting, that made me learn a new language and many new things. But it feels like it is over.

Wednesday I contributed the rgb.txt writeup. There is poetry hiding in those forgotten directories ...


previously ejected * mumbling into the new millenium

Merry Christmas to all you noders out there!

As a gift, I have turned my home node into a crossword puzzle I made with the help of a professional. (I suggested the feature phrases; he constructed the grid; I clued the answers.)

Since I'll be in Miami for a week or so, this writeup is also the solution to that puzzle. Copy and paste the following tiny text into your favorite word processor or text editor to see the answers:


I R A S * R A N O N * S O M E
G I S T * A D A N O * E V E S
E C C L * N E I L L * T E M P
T H E O L D E R Y O U A R E *
I I N * E R R * * * F E R N S
T E T R A * * B E N T * I T O
* * * E R I T R E A * I D O L
* G R A N D M A O P I N E S *
T H E M * L A N C E T S * * *
B O S * R E N D * * A T R E E
A S T R O * * * Y S L * A Y N
* T H E W O R S E Y O U G E T
B I O L * S H E A R * S O L I
I N M E * H E N R I * D U E T
O G E E * A E T N A * A T T Y

Tonight, the first day of christmas holidays, I logged in to see lesbians, monkeys, and soy, cooled.. and under my Epicenter it said Node for the ages...
All I can say is I love everything....
Who the hell does he think he is? "Can I call you tomorrow?" I don't get online most of the day waiting for him to call. I hate when they say they'll call and then they don't. Nate sucks like that. he's messing with my head too much. I speak to kaerus, his close friend, and kaerus tells me that nate is always speaking of me. nate likes me a great deal in kaerus' opinion. Why doesn't nate act like he does? I think he has his head way up his ass, he can't show anyone else some compassion. I'm so tired. I don't need a long distance relationship right now. I don't need him to put me off like this. I don't need anyone to make me have a "bad day". I need someone near me. I need someone to hold on to. I need someone to lay down and sleep with. I need someone to buy worthless girfts for. I need someone. I don't need nate. I dont need another geek who doesnt know how to treat a girlfriend. He gets home at 3am and I ask, "Where were you?" His reply, "out with dakla watching some anime. I watch anime with her a lot" SO.. he rather watch some fucking cartoon than get on his computer and talk to his girlfriend. Even then we hardly talk anymore. He's so distant, and all I want is to be close to him. I'm obsessive. I need someone. I need help. Where are you Tosh?

11.00 in the morning, local time

Ahh, saturday..when you get sleep late in the morning!. what a joy! I slept well, and I'm ready for all necessary christmas preparations that will have to be done today.. first look out of the window, and it's snowing. Maybe we'll have a white christmas afterall. That would actually be very nice. But, I'm on my way to the shower, and then to i'm going get some breakfast, and then i have to do some christmas preparations, as I already mentioned.

Some time later

I had time during breakfast to node a bit, but didn't want to just write about it for one sentence. I hope i don't have to shutdown my computers and ADSL as there's lots of dust and things under my desk.. it has to be cleaned. Hey I've got to get to work now..

14.25 Local time

Half of the cleaning job is done (we started that already yesterday); we're now having a break and we're going to eat something. So I have time to browse the E2, as well as check out some news from the web. I had to shut down the other computer of mine before I was able to clean the space under my desk; but it's ok, it's the newer pc of mine and tends to generate quite a lot of noise, as I have put some extra fans on it as that PIII tends to get quite hot, not to mention my video card, which has geforce 256 chip.

I'm thinking of downloading that new XFree86 4.0.2 for this FreeBSD box of mine. I'm having some trouble with True Type Fonts. I read all the fine manuals I could find but still those fonts are not working.

In the evening

It's been quite boring evening - except for the fact that I've browsed the E2 most of the time, which, of course, is not boring. We've finished cleaning the house, as well as all christmas preparations. I was going to download the XFree86 4.0.2 but I think I'll do it some other day, perhaps tomorrow night. I'm not in the mood for some deep hack mode session.

At night

My computer just started to speak to me. I think it's a sign that I need to get some sleep. But here are my computers nice words:

last pid: 44948;  load averages:  0.09,  0.25,  0.29    up 9+00:45:35  22:53:45
36 processes:  3 running, 33 sleeping
CPU states:  4.4% user,  0.0% nice,  7.7% system,  0.7% interrupt, 87.1% idle
Mem: 41M Active, 1312K Inact, 12M Wired, 4152K Cache, 14M Buf, 432K Free
Swap: 132M Total, 2824K Used, 129M Free, 2% Inuse, 148K Out

Good Night.

16:47

Soooooo... how has the Christmas gone so far, you may be asking? Well, some stuff so far, in very very very random order:

  • A lot of Pokemon Cardboard Crack and Magic: the Moneygathering playing, against my sister
  • Lots of swearing at crappy phone lines
  • Dr0p m33 s0m F1l3z, d00dz: https://www.idrive.com/wwwwolf/
  • Quantum Printers: Sometimes They Work, Sometimes They Don't, And You Can't Tell Beforehand Whether Or Not They Work...
  • Here's a card for you all: http://velar.ctrl-c.liu.se/vcl/Artists/WWWWolf/christmas2000.jpg (Sorry for the relatively low quality; I didn't had the most recent release of GIMP at hand before the trip and I have been sort of busy recently...)
  • Some Random, Senseless Noding has happened. Ditto for updates.
  • I now have a, um, bag. These days I need to carry Way Too Much Junk around. The belt bag turned out to be way too small. The brand name in the bag, as I noticed later, is "Raven". (Somewhat appropriate for a wolf... =)
  • Yeah, I got back a Nokia 9110i Communicator (no WAP stuff as I expected - weird)... with none of the data from the old phone =( I also ordered a Palm m100.
  • A friend of mine is getting even more suicidal. Had nightmares about that. I wish he will stay rational. It's Just Stress. Remember the old Slashdot poll: Finals Suck (Yes/Yes)
  • Today I had a dream about registering "effeminate.org" - weird, that. (Appears to be already registered, too! Even weirder... =)
  • Got account at AnimeFu, but I doubt I will have any use for that account... (I'm a bloody VHS user, that's why!)
  • Tomorrow? Well, I'll talk about the wonders of the Christmas eve tomorrow =)

Navigation stuff coming after I get back from Christmas break...

Schtuff noded since the last daylog: Dream Log: December 18, 2000 portal webmail Camelot Tower Power

I received a package in the mail yesterday and much to my open mouthed joy and delight in seeing who it was from, what it contained was even more astounding! I am in posession of jeassicapierce's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Oh dem bones so that is why you asked for my address! ah ha you have been discovered and I had no idea! I was taken completley by wonderful suprise!!

The mail arrived while I was out buying the honeybaked ham for Christmas Dinner and one of the boys had brought in the mail. Someone (no one will confess... nor deny it, an obvious implication of guilt on Mom's radar) had pulled the open tab back a smidge obviously to peep inside only to be foiled because it was wrapped in a page from the Metro section of Sunday, October 1st's The Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

What did he send you? asked Number One Son(the return address label said J Pierce)

He? Jessica is a girl, I explained. He is SO suspicious of my internet friends. Oh well, tough noogies I say and enjoy my friendships anyway.

It has been a wonderful experience to have so many friends from all over the world it still amazing for me. This year I sent Christmas postcards to people in England, France, Sweden, Ireland, Arizona, Tennessee, Michigan and Washington State. I've been offering to bake cookies for the editing staff for who so generously give of their time to fulfill my deletion requests and Mitchevious discovered my offer behind the Don't display in "New Writeups" box. He said Gingerbread Men are good for the soul and I was more than delighted to bake him a dozen Gingerbread People and mail them off to Wisconsin (five became victims of my hubby and sons..even though they claim to not like Gingerbread People....I tell you nothing is safe in this house!)

In the book Jaypea writes:

Dec. 9, 2000
Lometa -
I remember you said you'd never
read this book-probably you've
found a copy by now, but I hope
you'll appreciate the browned pages
& last legs cover of this, my old
copy.

(Then she draws an arrow)
That's how I used to sign
my name before it got illegible.
I hope you enjoy this even if you've
already read it-it's one of
my favorite well-done silly books.
Please pass it on, eventually.
Happy Holidays, Lo. Take care.
Jessicapierce

Now I have to turn the book to read the rest:)

p.s. I sense you need
a lion that has sugar & cinnamon
coming out of its head.

Now how did she know that! and there it is.... a lion shaped bottle of Domino's SUGAR 'N CINNAMON:)

Well yes, JayPea I've read Hitchhickers Guide, but I am relishing rereading it again , loving every minute of it !
.....why when you write that novel that's inside of you and you become world famous then I can say I read jeassiapierces's copy of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

Thank you for such an incredible holiday gift and when I finish I'll forward it on through The Great Grand E2 Book Lotto!

The greatest gift of grace is friendship.

Love,
Lo
Ointment and perfumes rejoice the heart: and the good counsels of a friend are sweet to the soul.
-Proverbs 27:9

Devotion

My Great-Grandmother is dying. This is no real surprise, she's nearly 95 and has been in increasingly poor health over the last few years; but the old woman I always figured was mean enough to live forever turned out to be just as frail as anyone else. My Great-Grandmother was never a nice person, at least not as long as I've known her. I love Dear, but she's been a meanspirited, sharptongued, hardhearted old woman for as long as I can remember, and judging from stories my uncle and aunts have told me, longer than that. But she has an amazing strength of will, more than anyone I've ever seen and when my Grandmother said that Dear wasn't trying anymore, I figured that she must be ready to die. Death happens to usall, and she's lived a long and interesting life, so I'm not so worried about Dear.

I'm worried about my grandmother, she called me this morning and didn't sound like herself. She's been in Los Angeles for nearly two months trying to see to her mother's affairs and spending time in the hospital watching a small, frail ninety-four year old woman's life ebb away. I could hear the fatigue in her voice. My Grandmother is nearly 70 and not in the best of health herself, and I fear that she may be overextending herself in her desire to be a dutiful daughter. I think she's still searching for approval from her mother, and that saddens me, because my Grandmother has lived well. She's never been my Great-Grandmother's favorite, even though in the last few years, she was one of the only people to visit Dear frequently. My Grandmother has put so much time and effort doing things for a woman who has never seemed grateful that I can't help but reflect on the parable of the prodigal son; my grandmother was the one who stayed only to be snubbed in favor of the ones who return briefly because their guilty consciences demand it.

My Grandmother is praying for a miracle; but said that the only miracle she thinks she's going to get is Jesus' birth. Dear's kidneys have failed, she has breast cancer, she's had heart failure and she's refused to eat. My Grandmother has been there for her whether or not Dear has been aware and only returned home for Christmas out of exhaustion. I want a miracle too, I want my Grandmother's heart to be soothed and for her to feel loved. I want for Dear to know rest and peace, however that should come. But most of all, I want my Grandmother, my Nana to come out of this and retain her spark, her Auntie Mame-like exuberance and flamboyance. I want life to go on for her not in spite of death, but with the idea that death is not destruction, only change.

Dear, lovely Death
That taketh all things under wing
Never to kill, only to change
Into some other thing
Take this suffering flesh
And make it either more or less
But never again the same.
Dear, lovely death
Change is thy other name

--Langston Hughes
I have been thinking about my grandmother, who is lying in a hospital bed for the most bizarre and unreal malady I have ever heard of, a tear in the esophagus.

Grandma has a hole in her throat, which means that food was going down the hole and lodging in other cavities of the body, then decomposing and poisoning her. There was a pocket of foods that was built up under her lung, which was cutting off her breath and causing much pain. This has been going on for a long time and she did not tell anyone that there was anything wrong, however, there were signs like choking at mealtime. She told my sister, “This diabetes is killing me” at my sister’s wedding shower two weeks ago, so apparently Grandma just thought this was all a part of getting older, and never said anything about the pain. . She is eighty, so this did not raise the proper alarms. She has been getting more and more forgetful lately, has to be reminded who I am, who other family members are. So sad to say, “It’s me Grandma, and these are my children…” My aunts and cousin and sister are really freaked out. Before the operation the doctor told my Grandfather to get the whole family there to say goodbye since she might not make it. It is strange how much we learn about each other when we deal with crisis.

It is hard to imagine Grandma in intensive care, tubes running into places that tubes should not be, with monitors and wires and her hands looking very old above the covers. My cousin tells me she went in the early morning and sat with her, rubbing tea tree lotion into her hands and this strikes me as a particularly thoughtful thing to do. My grandmother is the Christmas tree of Christmas. Even though I know live in another state and I am busy with my own family I miss her. Especially on Christmas. She is a huge fan of garage sales. She calls it “gragin”. She goes gragin as often as she can. And she has a box in her closet for all of her children and their children. And when ever she finds special things that remind her of that person she puts the stuff in their box and wraps it all up at Christmas time. She always remembered that I am a giant fan of silver jewelry and every year she had some great new find that no one else really understood the value of, but I loved it. Last time I saw her she gave my daughter a stuffed bunny and a teddy bear. I can not tell you how many times I have hugged these things today.

I know that she will be ok. She is a strong woman. She had seven kids. She will make it through this. And the optimist in me says that not only is it a miracle that she survived the four hour, incredibly invasive surgery to remove all the rotten food, but I think she will certainly be better off. I am hoping that her “senility” is not really that at all, rather a symptom of reduced lung space and really poor nutrition and built up gasses. My Grandma can not go to heaven yet, and I am sure that is just where she will go when the time comes, to the exact heaven she has conjured up, but that time is not now (DO YOU HEAR ME!?). Not yet.

I wait for the day when she sneaks me cookies and slaps her knee and laughs, “heh HA”, with her low gravelly voice and a twinkle in her eye. I long for denture clicking and her way of calling me Kath-Anj-Sarah, combining my name with all her other grandkids until she hits on the correct one. I can’t wait to hear her Vegas stories, how she always wins because she keeps the proceeds pinned to a special compartment of her “Vegas bra”. And although she is eighty now, she was once a young and gorgeous woman who posed on her front porch in a two piece bathing suit just long enough to get her picture taken. And she is two years older that my grandfather. And she does her rosary every single day. Her fifty-year marriage was even recognized by the pope. She is certainly watched over.

(I KNOW YOU HEAR ME!!!!)

1:01AM

I spent most of the day today cleaning up my apartment. I wasn't too happy with it's state of messyness when Sara make a suprise visit last weekend. Also my brother will be moving in soon, so I had to make some room for his stuff.

I have realized why I was really not into christmas this year. Christmas stands in the way between me and Sara. She is gone for two weeks for the holiday season, and I've got nothing to do by myself. Part of the problem is that since we are still very early in the relationship phase: one prearranged date and several informal get-togethers with friends. I feel like it would be too stalker-like of me to actually go up there and visit her or to call her for no particular reason.

I originally thought that I was completely powerless to do anything to build up our relationship in the meantime, but my dad suggested that I give her a call on monday to wish her a merry christmas. That sounds perfect; it makes for a good reason to call her, and it shows that I'm thinking of her. I feel much better now. I take back what I said yesterday, you can stop downvoting that daylog now :)


2:46AM

Spent most of the night on #everything. Good conversation. But I must sleep now so I can get up tomorrow and do christmas shopping. Good night.

I was actually looking forward to work today...

Got up on time, got to the bus station with enough time to get myself a hot chocolate before the 9am coach - although I had to ditch half of it after being told 'no hot drinks on the bus'.

There was an annoying guy talking loudly on his phone in the queue at the coffee counter, and he continued to chat away at the stance, while smoking... he finished his drink, went and sat directly behind me, and his call lasted for the first 15 minutes of the journey, too. Very rude of him.

Work was very uneventful.. I was in PC World in Edinburgh again. And there were hardly any customers. I passed the day by talking to the Epson rep, the friendly girl at reception, and various other sales folks. One was trying to weasel out of me my rate of pay, but I just told him that "I am not at liberty to divulge that information". I did manage to nip out to Tesco and get the last bit of my Christmas shopping done.

Oh, and I am in love with a McDonald's Girl, her name's Eilidh, and she works at the Corstorphine store just next tp PCW.

It took me a whole two hours to get home. The bus back from Edinburgh was fine - full of sleeping people, and I almost drifted off too. But I waited a whole 50 minutes for a 59 bus back home. Shouldn't have been more than a 15 minute wait, 30 minutes tops. But thanks to First Glasgow, I waited aaaaages.

Got home to find an email from work letting me know that my services would probably not be required next Saturday, but included the appropriate way to try and persuade the store manager to call Head Office and try to get us back. Too late for that, though. Bah.

Watched TV for the rest of the night. Aah, such fun...

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