Two days to Christmas
... and my life is a mess
But I enjoy this mess, so no compassion is necessary. And there is also the small detail that I created a part of that mess with my own little hands, so (Robert A. Heinlein docet) I should just toughen up and node.
The good
The Popocatéptl has stopped its tremors and smoke and vapour and belching show, to the vast relief of the poor bastards that live close to it and the even vaster peace of mind of the authorities that can't really think about how to evacuate a city of 20 million inhabitants, that sits in the middle of a valley with not so many exits. I realize that this was not a very elegant sentence.
The weather is very good.
I gave in to my nerd nature, and got myself a Nerf gun. Now I can be annoying and nerdy as well ! I also have a beard, a moustache and wear suspenders !
The bad
My SO's grandmother died. I had only known her for a couple of years, when old age had already made her deaf, nearly blind and almost incapable of movement.
Our conversation required much shouting on my part, and a lot of effort on hers. We did not really have long conversations.
My SO, told me about how life was when she was a kid, and her grandparents were relatively young. Apparently, they were loving and happy people. Then, Eugenia's grandfather died and today, on the morning of the 22nd day of December, his wife followed her.
Her last years, as far as I could tell, were not that happy: she was reduced to an extreme dependency from other people. And even if she was mostly treated with care and love, it must have been hard for a proud person. And she was proud.
She had a very good memory, to the last, and she would never forget a name.
I had mixed feelings about conversations with her: on one hand, I grew up with old people and I always enjoy it very much when people unroll their memories. On the other hand, I am not very good at talking loudly.
But there was something else; in the last times, when people asked her "How are you ?", she would answer "I would be better off dead". To which there is no good answer: you can't say "Yes", and it taxes truthfullness to say "No, no, never, it is always better to live".
These are bad days. The father of my boss died on Wednesday. Someone I worked with when I was in Pittsburgh died on Tuesday. These are bad days.
The ugly
Yesterday was the faithful day of the
Big Serious Talk with my
SO. I said that I wanted to be out the
relationship. We both cried. I don't know how to write about this. I don't even know if I should. I fear that she would get amazingly pissed off at me. But this is where I live, after all. And I don't have close friends, here.
Why do I want to break up ? It is a difficult question, and at times I have the impression that his is not actually
me doing this. Of course, this is just a cheap-ass excuse, like what all stupid murderers say "
it wasn't me, I felt compelled to do it, I can't explain it now". Well, the fact is that
it is you. No
demonic possession at work here. It is me. And I am tired. As easy as that. It is not the circumstances, not the
weather, not the
pollution. It is just that, after 5 years, I am tired, and I want out. And, by the way, I feel like a
total ice cold bastard that should have no contact with normal humans.
Anyway, this means that I will probably be leaving the country in some time, maybe one month, maybe a bit more, depending on the job. Which means that I am looking for another job, possibly in the US. Is it appropriate to post a CV here ?
The sum total is above zero
All these terrible news, and the end of the year give me a strong feeling of a season ended. It was a long season, full of good things, interesting, that made me learn a new language and many new things. But it feels like it is over.
Wednesday I contributed the rgb.txt writeup. There is poetry hiding in those forgotten directories ...
previously ejected * mumbling into the new millenium