I'm writing this from a highway oasis outside of Chicago. Those who are familiar with me know I live in Chicago (for now), and I've been on the road for two hours. This blizzard sucks! I have been working all day offsite, so I haven't been able to use the Internet all weekend! Gotta go, out of time.


Update from Tuesday: Sorry about posting it on the wrong day, but I had no time to fix things. That was the first time I'd used one of those "Public Access" Internet consoles. I'll write up my opinions about it later. Suffice it to say I almost ran out of time trying to post this writeup, so no formatting or links.

This week is my last week in Chicago. I will be heading home for the holidays on Saturday, after our big party on Friday. Also, I've got a lot of offsite work to do, so that means not much noding. Also, I will not have Internet back home in Michigan, so that means two more weeks of zero nodes. But by January 7, 2000, I should be back, as I'll then be at college. Anything you want to say to me, say it now, or for a fortnight hold your peace.

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Time: Tue, 19 Dec 2000 00:21:13 GMT
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Just going to bed now...

Leaving this node as a reminder to myself to try and discover the differences between:

the truth is out there...


20.15 gmt
It's rather wierd to be going to uni at this time of night, especially during the holidays..

I was in the Subcity Radio office to start work on their web site - it needs to be up by early January, and the guy who got me involved, the one who volunteered to help in the first place, is heading home to Bristol on Thursday. Why we went in late at night baffles me slightly, never mind...

Things went pretty well, I was working on a snazzy Flash navbar with transitions borrowed from the Apple in-store demo CDs. It's looking pretty cool, what I need to do now is attatch all the appropriate transitions to the buttons - and then create some template pages to go with them.

< < < | > > >

Not your average mountain

So, the Popocateptl is erupting quite nicely. Which is not such a good thing, considering that it is about 60 Km from where I live.
Now, nobody anticipates a mountain-removing blowout, but the warrior mountain can nonetheless make life pretty miserable for us, inhabitants of the biggest city in the world.
Ash fell from the sky last Thursday. Tonight the TV and the CENAPRED web site show lava spewing out of the crater.

Some villages that have been wisely built quite close to the crater are being evacuated right now. The people are clearly pissed off: those are poor villages, and the people there own very little but some livestock. And during evacuations, the livestock (cows. goats, chicken) either starves or is stolen.
Some have declared that they would rather face the uncertainties of the volcano than the grim certainties of displacement, improvised shelters and undignified accomodations --- experience shows that refugees have a habit of getting forgotten in camps.

The eruption is also a hot potato (you will pardon the simile) for the governmentl; whatever it does, it is a bad choice.
Forcing evacuation (at gunpoint) will raise the ire of the intellectuals. Any loss of property will be blamed on the government (and, by immediate reflex, on the President Vicente Fox Quesada).
On the other hand, if evacuation is simply advised (but not imposed), and if shit happens, the government will be considered guilty of inaction.
The deciding factor is, what will the volcano do ? The answer, of course is whatever it damn well pleases.

Emigration dreams

Aside from these disasters & devastations, what happens in my personal life ? Christmas is creeping in, and once again I realize that this holiday has been designed with the purpose of making out of place people feel like shit.
We have signed contracts for January, which is good. What happens afterwards is anyone's guess. I am sending out a couple of CVs every day.
I noticed a disturbing trend in job offers in the US: about half of them require citizenship or at least a green card. I can understand that, since hiring foreigners requires a long and expensive ballet with the IRS.
Nonetheless, I find the job market for my (scant) talents fairly reduced.
And besides, do I really want to live in the US ? Maybe I should be more specific. I would like to live somewhere small, with high technology companies and fun Internet stuff. And fairly safe. I have had enough fear here.
Said "somewhere small" could be in Texas, in Canada or in the Netherlands. I would easily adapt to nearly anywhere, I guess.
But then I would not be in Italy, my homeland. I would once again be a prey for homesickness (nostalgia, even).

SO blues

Every now and then I would just like to cut loose. Then, this sudden fear that it would be the most amazingly stupid thing I have ever done strikes me. And I oscillate.
She takes it much better than I would have a right to expect. I mean, how can you keep loving an inconsistent bastard that is looking for a job in the only country that you dislike ?

What is good

Today I made a T-shirt for mibarra. It is a spoof of the covers of O'Reilly books, and the title is "Banishing Microsoft" - under the title a creepy, Cthulhu-like creature waves its tentacles.
I found the picture on the net, and had that printed at the local COSTCO (which realized that my membership was long expired, and promptly charged me $24 to renew it. Ouch. Expensive time of the year).
Anyway, mibarra liked it, which made my day. I had lunch with Miss Nice, which was as always good. She bravely tried to mantain a conversation, even if I was moody and brooded over the soup.
Her good humor is contagious, so after lunch I was somewhat happier.

This morning I tried to see an Iridium flare, but failed due to cloud cover on the Eastern horizon. I was treated to a spectacular sunrise, complete with smoke plume from the Popocateptl.
I am writing very serious nodes these days. Very factual. Very much ignored, but do I give a damn ? No. I node for the ages. That, and the fact that I have enough XPs and not enough nodes.
I am glad that there other people here that like photography. Insanity loves company.


the cage door SWUNG open ! and subsequently the hamster said:
I don't know why this happens but something must be done.

My mood invades me without warning. I'm laughing and joking with friends and then I feel as if I'm about to cry. I go into my room and turn the lights off, but when I get there I don't feel like I'm ready to cry anymore. I wish that I could cry, it would make me feel better, it always does, but it doesn't come. My unnaturally elevated seratonin at work...I can still feel pain I just can't feel it.

It's not self-loathing anymore, I have no reason to feel this way. It's just an emotional pain that I can't explain, a sadness not for myself as much as for the world. I feel like an exposed nerve. An unwillingness to accept the world as it is handed down to me, so full of flaws.

And I've exhausted all of my options it seems. I can't starve myself because that makes the pain worse, I can't throw up the meal I just ate because last time I did that my throat hurt for weeks (and the friends I was just joking and laughing with are still there), I can't cut myself because then I will scars (the ones from last time are still there). But something must be done.

That's when the images start. The first set are full of warm colors, peaches and reds, and brightly lit. Young naked flesh, drawing myself a bath and laying back in the warm water. Taking a razor blade off the side of the tub...a real razor blade, not a safety blade that would be lying around the house, an object that I would have to obtain myself. And I draw a line down my wrist...vertical, not horizontal. I don't feel this, it's only images, not even sounds, but the first drop of scarlet falls from my wrist and hits the clear water, becoming a beautiful swirl of blood and water. The second line is drawn and more crimson swirls fill the water around me and I lay back, eyes focused on the ceiling since the water around me is no longer beautifully psychedelic but a uniform pink.

The second set of images are filled with blues and grays and darkness. I'll just turn on the engine of my car and run a hose from the correct place to the correct place. No pain, all I'll have to do is wait. But I won't wait in the driver's seat, that wouldn't be an apt metaphor for my pain. I'd bring a pillow and a blanket, the bedspread off of my bed and curl up in the backseat. Radiohead will be playing in the CD player...A handshake of carbon monoxide with no alarms and no surprises...No, too cliche. Now we are one, in everlasting peace...We hope that you choke...That's a little obvious, and what's this 'we' stuff anyway, I'm only too alone. I'll just put in The Bends and maybe Fake Plastic Trees will be playing about the time I breathe my last.

Who will find me, I wonder? In the first set it will be my mother...I don't think I can do that. In the second set it will be someone I don't know. Maybe someone from the Parking Department, that's almost funny. I should put my two unpaid tickets in the driver's seat. Along with a suicide note of course, it would be a waste to off myself without a note...a final chance to say something and be damn sure that everyone is paying attention.

What the hell am I thinking? It hits me that I'm thinking about killing myself in such clear and concise detail, an act I could never go through with, but it's actually making me feel better. I still can't cry, though. An image of my mother getting the phone call almost brings me to the edge, but I sob soundlessly and without tears. This has to stop.

So I run to a friend nearby. He talks me down...I shed a few tears. Not as satisfying as a flood would have been, but enough to appease my appetite for now. And I do feel better, I've just really scared the shit out of myself.

I noticed St. Louis in the softlinks but I can't find it in any of the writeups. Anyone from St. Louis? I am.

Short history of neat things that came out of St. Louis: Ever been to The Side Door? That's a bar on Locust, next to the Rocket Bar. The Side Door had some cool indie acts, but they closed a couple months ago.

There's a couple bands that came out of St. Louis. Anyone ever hear Dazzling Killmen, You Fantastic, or Bunnygrunt? They were from here as well.

christmas is coming. stock up.

I’m horny as hell but desperate for love.

Craving contact, bitches.

No more hook-ups. They’re boring me stiff. No more starts to relationships without a foundation in something real. I want love. I want something real. I want that incredible synergy of friendship evolved into more.

But damn I also want anything naked and male.

How completely and utterly, disastrously dysfunctionally useless.

And I think I’m going nocturnal on myself.

But the big thing is I can’t bring myself to tell him I want to see him again. Not that there’s any risk. If I don’t then I never will. I tell myself it’s for his sister’s and nieces’ benefit. But in the end, it’s generally a useless prospect; his emails are completely uninteresting, so I doubt it’s worth the effort. It’d probably just suck me into my useless cycle again anyway. Funny how you make contact with someone for three days and really really truly connect. Surprising as hell. I’m not hung up. I just wonder if the fourth day might have been interesting too. And how many more could have stayed interesting after that. Pissed off to not get to find out. I have got to find people who live in my town for once.

I give up.


The End.
Goodnight.

I'm thinking the vast quantity of Diet Pepsi I've been consuming is making me irritable. Not from caffeine, mind you, but from the phenylalanine in the Nutrasweet. I remember in college, when smart drugs were all the rage (this lasted, uh, maybe 15 minutes), I tried phenylalanine in a supplement and it made me want to kill people.

At tonight's mass I'll be reading the following from Isaiah.

For a child has been born for us, a son given to us; authority rests upon his shoulders; and he is named Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. His authority shall grow continually, and there shall be endless peace for the throne of David and his kingdom. He will establish and uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time onward and forevermore. The zeal of the LORD of hosts will do this.

I'll be reading this in fifteen hours. I need to get to sleep.
Well today, I get to fight back sleep. I went to bed at 3am this morning, only to wake up at 7:20. I couldn't get back to sleep hence me moving around the office like the walking dead. I'm busy falling asleep at my desk with my forehead cushioned on my arm. The fire alarm went off, scaring me to death. Noding

Had some chips at lunch. The British ones. The ones that actually fill you up. Heart attacks wrapped up in lovely colourless pieces of paper. Not feeling as bad now. I think my eating habits might need reviewing. I think I might need to start eating breakfast now as well. It was amazing how fast I started to feel better once I had some proper food in me.

15:01

Well, this is just fscking fantastic.
I got a great christmas present from the bosses. My new workday starts at 8 and ends around 16:30. Which means I have to get up before 7, and I'll get home around 18.
Thanks. That's just what I needed.
I wonder how long I can stand the long hours and sleep deprivation before reaching full nervous breakdown? Until the end of January maybe?
Then again, what gives me the right to complain? I used the kyuuryou dorobou concept to describe myself on my home node, and while I don't fit the profile completely for obvious reasons, it's still pretty close. I don't have any skills whatsoever, and the company pays me despite that and the fact that I'm quite lazy. So since I get paid for doing nothing I should just shut up, do what they tell me and be grateful. I can always sleep on weekends, I guess...
Still, I can't lie that I'm happy with the situation. If I only were smart, I could just easily enter an university and eventually become the boss myself. But some people were born to lead and others to be slaves. No points for guessing which group I belong to.

On a more positive note.. My apologies to the force of nature in case I offended her yesterday. Walking home from work was incredible due to the tiny layer of snow that had fallen. Amazing how a minimal amount of frozen water can be so uplifting. The dry cold air is also incredibly refreshing. This weather might only last for a few days, but I'm loving every second of it.

This afternoon I have been listening to the new album from Koneveljet, and let me tell you.. At first it seemed like some dead boring drum'n'bass, but after listening to the entire record I must say it is one of the best pieces of audio I have heard in a while! Brilliant sci-fi-style soundscapes, smart samples, tons of variability.. It all sounds like a cross between Tangerine Dream, Robert Hood, Biochip C and The Orb.
What can I say?
Finland rules.
Oh, and the latest Pan sonic album is rather nice as well, but not very groundbreaking. Mika and Ilpo should try something new, since they are somewhat stuck with the same gimmicks at the moment. A good album anyway.

With my new nazi schedule and general busyness at the office, my noding activities may be severely reduced from now on. I try to write as much as I can at home, during the little free time I have left.


15:27

A small clarification to the text above. No, I don't think 7 o'clock is that early. But with my hobbies it is quite hard to get in bed before 1 am, and I am one of those people who have to sleep properly or they're completely out of it. See my insomnia day logs from 2 weeks ago for an example.

And yes, I do know I am a spoiled cry-baby. Just downvote me and get over it.

thoughts of you.

you mingle together with my thoughts and it somehow keeps me grounded, somehow keeps me attached to myself even when I'm away and not in my own world. it somehow makes me know I'm still here, crying on the bedroom floor. somehow makes me aware I am alive and not simply passing the time, waiting to die. I long for sleep, to crawl into the warmth of my blankets, to hold myself tightly and think maybe it's not me, but rather you. and it comforts me, even while knowing you are probably not thinking of me then. that you once perhaps thought you were, but now I think it's faded away, and I break my heart every day as I try to say something to you and it never escapes.

it's a curse I've set upon myself, a curse I wouldn't remove if I could no longer stand, and nothing was holding me up and I dived into the world in which I know I don't belong. the world I know isn't for me, and it kills parts of me daily, sucking away my life. but in that world I find a greater life and it pulls me in, and it's enough to know that only for a brief moment I might touch you, however brief the moment might become. and even when you smile, just a little smile, and I can hope to imagine you smiling there inside your room, all alone and yet not ever alone. for just a moment, maybe you'd know that I care about you and it would be enough to cause your beautiful self to brighten out of your own shadows.

thoughts of you, every day, behind the tears ready to fall from my tired eyes, the scream ready to escape my broken lips. a silly facade has enveloped me, and I've allowed it, with hesitance, yes, but without it I'm not sure it would be so important. your words seep through me, repeatedly read through my mind, and I can only hope that for a moment they were true. and that maybe you still have thoughts of me, somewhere.

The Simpsons' Quote of the Day:

Bart: Milhouse, do you ever think of the people in those cars?
Milhouse: I try not to. It makes it harder to spit on them.

16:46 GMT 19th December

I AM WORKING AGAIN YAY!

Yes after seven months I finally am working with my dads band. The only slight problem is that the gig is a crap one, we are playing for a bunch of old Grenerders (I dont think that is spelt right!)But i must say i am not really bothered becasue i am finally getting some money again!!

Today has been a pretty boring day manily becasue we break up from school tommorow (yay again), so the whole school is going about doing nothing.

My brother has got his old job back after being out chucked out of the RAF for having weird feet.....

Well i have to go now becasue.....Ive got a job ha ha!

I finished Final Fantasy IX last night. Like Tom Robbins said, I feel like a moth after the flame has been extinguished - relieved that I can finally relax but somehow missing the focus. My last exam is today: Operations Research, it should be okay. I have to keep pushing. I can't stop now.

One of my professors recommended that I apply for a job at an Architecture firm after I graduate. It would be a writing job, communicating some of their ideas since they are on the cutting edge of some new research. I am going to apply - is there light at the end of the tunnel?

I feel so low lately. All of the nodes above me were like therapy, seeing that others feel as I do. I cannot go gently into the indifference, as the mangled quote goes. I have to stay still, slowly inch forward or leap ahead. Going back is not an option. Tomorrow I can breathe clean air. Thursday I must fast for the procedure. Friday I go to the doctor. Sunday I leave to see my family. After I come back, I can take another breath. Then I can see my loving Ben. It is all going to be okay.

It's snowing! Not much, but enough to excite me... I spent last winter in Florida, so an inch or two makes me happy (I bet I won't be saying that in another month or so, when we get hit with 2 feet or something).

Thank god my friends are home from school... I actually feel like I have a life again. Sure, I have some pretty good friends here that aren't in school, but they're different kinds of friendships.

For instance: Last night, I went out with the infamous Billy and Cheli, we smoked like mad, and then went to a hooka bar, which just made us ten times more giddy and silly-- on the way home, we turn off the radio and just start singing christmas carols at the top of our lungs. There are not many people that I feel comfortable enough around to do stuff like that... I tend to put up a front with about 90% of the people I deal with, just act a little tougher and not like the little girl that deep down inside I still am. In truth, I like to sing christmas carols, I like to watch all the cheesy little holiday specials, and I especially like being a dork if I feel like it. Of course, somewhere in the first verse of Jingle Bells, when we were all snapping our fingers like idiots, and sounding way too much like a barbershop trio, I ended up doubled over in the backseat laughing so hard I almost peed my pants-- you know those awful previews of CDs that they sell on TV?

Christmas in VA!
Have you ever felt that you don't have any decent music to listen to over the holiday season? Are you looking for that CD with just the right amount of christmas cheer? Well, look no further! Yes, for a limited time, you too can own Christmas in Virginia, starring the lovely and talented Billy, Tiffany and Cheli! With holiday favorites like "Jingle Bells", "Silent Night", "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", and many many more!...

Oh, the silliness. Anyway, it's nice to have friends who don't mind being themselves, because with the state I've been in lately, I need to know it's okay to show myself to others as well, and that they just like me for me.

And the guy comes home today!!! Like the snow will stop me from seeing him.... snow, pshaw!

well this is me first log...so ill try and make it a gooden'.Today i woke up with a pain im my chest, it was a stingin pain. It hyrt so bad i had to close my eyes. I am puzzled as to what this pain could be. My work mates say it is cause i have recently taken up smokin(but i dont see why it would affect me this bad). Any way i got dressed and went to work. Now, this bit is wierd.......one minute i was welding somat in the work shop(i felt a little tired, and a little distracted by the pain in my chest)....i blinked my eye and i was in the canteen with a sandhich in my hand. I was so stunned, i jumped to my feet and just looked round in disbelief. Everyone was starin at me and say "what the fuck is wrong with u?". I sat back down still shocked, then i realised the pain had gone........

I am still stunned now..i dont know what to make of it.....so to slumber!!!!!!!!!

Things to remember to do soon:


11:02 PM

Hectic day at work. Went and played pool with the group, including Sara. She will be leaving tomorrow for christmas vacation; I will miss her. This should give me some time to really think about how I can get to know her better and build up a relationship.

As far as pool goes though, I seem to be improving at it a bit with each game. I realized after having already paid that the guys are covering for the ladies; so I will have to remember that next time. I'm *so* stupid when it comes to this kind of stuff.

I haven't had much chance to go to the gym in the past two days. I will need to really work out tomorrow. A friend of a friend invited me out to do something on Thursday night, so I will really need to start making good use of my free time at the gym if I'm going to keep up the pace.

Need to get into work early tomorrow, so I shall sleep soon.

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