...so, the original resume, along the lines of YOU OWE ME!!! FORTY ACRES AND A MULE, DAMMIT!!! STOP BOMBING VIEQUES, MOTHERFUCKERS!!! FREE LEONARD!!! FREE MUMIA!!! FREE HUEY!!! FREE BEER!!!, didn't work.

The revised version, pointing out my proficiency on a variety of stringed instruments and woodwinds, was also a flop.

The next version, the one that mentioned that I invented Perl, Java, and C#, did the trick; I was wined and dined by many large corporations (and, boy, can they pack it away!), before I decided on the winner, a European publisher that offered many fine perks, including mistresses and inclusion in the Royal Family of Norwegia.

You must, at least inside the borders of Norwegia, address me as "Your Eminence". Got it? I'm told that I now have diplomatic immunity here in New York City, and can get vouchers from the embassy to defray the cost of living next door to my new drinking buddy, Donald Trump.

I must go buy additional beds for the mistresses.