Early morning sunrise
; sun glaring in my face making it near-impossibe
to type. My lungs
are heavy, sleep
is nowhere near coming. Too much on my mind that needs to be told before I yet again lose the patience to write
it all out. I've actually managed to do a decent
bit of writing today, so let's run with it.
Gather 'round, noders. I've the latest chapter in everyone's favourite E2 relationship saga, hot off the press!
Deeahblita, The Saint
Friday the 13th found me in Baltimore, a heavy weekend ahead of me. The air was supposed to be light on this particular night, but perhaps I should have brought my own candy. C'est la vie. Sobriety happens. Met a few people, ended up in bed early staring at a party lamp for an hour with a narcoleptic kitty cat beside me. Saturday I woke up, and found a recent pattern of meeting people naked developing. Strange life, though I will say I'm getting over my fear of raw fish. How's that for twisting words? *smirk*
Find Kir. Must find Kir. I kept buzzing that name around, insisting that if I was down there, I needed to meet this girl. I wanted to help, I intinctually knew I could help them both get the answers out. But I already knew the outcome. I already knew what she was going to say. That doesn't make it any easier for anyone involved, though. *sigh*
John Waters and instigated drama on #e to pass the time, along with words of wisdom and love from Kate to ease me, as I had no idea what to say to this girl, his wife. Decided that hugging her first would be ideal so I could get a dab of her energy, and try to inject a bit of mine into hers to tear an opening in the great wall. We all journey outside, as the smokers need a fix. I still don't know what to say. She leads the way.
Silence. Two that pass anger like water, and me, fire playing earth. Air, think Air. Space. Chase knarphie inside out of neccessity. I know his side of the story, I know how he feels. I know he's not emotionally ready to let go. And I know I won't be able to get her story unless he's gone. God it felt awful, but I had warned him long before that it was probably going to need to be this way. Doesn't make it feel any less like sitting on death row for him, though. If only I'd had a clone...If only I could have held him inside the house, inside my arms, petting him while I talked to her. But it needed to be this way.
I'm not certain how long she and I talked. I wasn't watching the clock, though the temperature dropped a few degrees and the pink candle placed between us let off no warmth. Conversation was cool, mostly sharp statements and reaffirmations. All this time in cryptic nodes, in blunt statements, in speech and action she'd tried to make it easy and push him away, to end it, to no avail. Parts of her still want to hold on. Love runs deep between them, that hasn't changed. I imagine a part of her is still in love with him, it's hard not to be. But that's been laid to rest, for now, for a long, long while. She's tired, her needs have changed. It's not that she gave up trying - her energy is drained, and her needs and path in life have significantly changed.
My intuition told me a week prior that after years of mutual lies, their night of truths sealed the book containing this part of their story. I shared this with her, and also reminded her of the time she told me that she knew things had changed when she kissed him at the airport some months earlier. She fought back tears a few times, echoing her own heartbreak repeatedly in chopped words. I held her for a minute, and we decided to bring knarphie out.
Silence. Neither of us knew where to begin, how to start. We stumbled through, alternating, eventually managing to spit out her decision. He was angry, angry that she was quitting, from his perspective. Hurt, angry, sad, betrayed, confused. They exchanged stories of fault, timelines, daggers and eventually a few joys, and I understood more of their history than I had in separate conversations with both of them over these months. Primarily, he couldn't understand how she could be all for working things out, and pro-poly one week, and then move back up to Baltimore and do a complete 360 and want to back out of everything the following week. It was all just another lie, from his perspective. I tried fruitlessly to convince him that on their night of truths, she truly believed it all. She knew she wanted it. The problem wasn't with the poly because, in her words, she was poly before him and she will continue to be poly after him. The problems were with them, and on top of that was the fact that she couldn't share him..wasn't willing to share him.
But why? Why, he kept asking? I was suddenly reminded of my recently ended long-term relationship with Danny. We started off with me cheating, with him mistrusting me. We didn't always see eye-to-eye on how to progress when I wanted to make a wet attempt at poly after all that time we'd spent healing. Apparently, he still wasn't really healed, wasn't ready. I think similarities come into play here, but that's not their entire story. They had grown apart, had never really been able to communicate their needs to one another....and that's rule number one in making poly work..in making ANY relationship work.
There's no "time out" for them. It will unfortunately be a long time before they're at the point where they're even ready, as whole individuals, to start over. This even hurts *me*, because I see the love between them. But they don't see it in each other, and that's what counts the most. *sigh*
And now they must heal.
And I really wish that's where the story ended.
Deeahblita, The Sinner
should be noded tomorrow...