Fade in.
A run down house in a suburb of... I don't know but it defintely seems to be a suburb of someplace. I'm working in the yard. I am a cast member on a budget version
The Real World, which has five other people and me
squatting in an apparently condemned building. My old army buddy Stewart is there, which I think is strange, because I haven't seen him in years and he ends up living with me in a house in... I still haven't figured out where. I don't recognize the four other people. Though the house is in a
scandalous state of disrepair, we are being made to mow the lawn for some reason. The guys on those other shows never have to do that. I know i shouldn't be operating the lawnmower without shoes, but I lost them weeks ago, and it isn't in the show's budget to replace them. So I mow barefoot. Some amount of time passes, and I think I remember where I put my shoes, so I go back into the house to look for them. My bare feet stick to the floor, which is filthy, like the floor of a bar at closing time on friday night. It smells like a bar too. I go up the stairs to find the shoes. I open the door to my room. There is a big bay window there, and sunlight is streaming in on a pile of filthy blankets, which is apparently where I sleep. I open the closet where my shoes are and look
Cut to the interior of a police station
I hate it when the dream director throws in these nonsensical jump cuts. I'm now standing at the desk in a police station. To my dismay, I am still barefoot. I wonder if I'm still in the same town as the last scene, then I see Stewart, so i guess that I am. I am being made to pay a fine for some reason. The woman at the desk has not told me why. Stewart doesn't know either. The woman shows me some sort of citation, with the amount of the fine printed on it. It is $549. I'm quite upset by this, as it means I will probably never be able to afford new shoes. She still won't explain what I did that is going to cost me $549, but I learn from her that it is five hundred forty nine Australian dollars. I'm kind of relieved at this, because Australian dollars are cheaper than American ones, but then I'm a little disturbed to learn that I'm in Australia, as I don't remember getting there, and I've never been there before.
Sloop John B (the
Beach Boys version from
Pet Sounds, not the one by
The Kingston Trio) is playing in the background, so I start to sing along. Stewart tells me to shut up, because I shouldn't be singing in here, but then he starts. It's wierd because he is singing the harmonies perfectly by himself. I decide to ask the woman one more time why I must pay the fine. She hands me a small model of some sort of shrine. Inside, there is a statue of a bumpy
mushroom. She explains that the amount of the fine is determined by the number of bumps on the mushroom. I am satisfied with this answer. Now everyone in the station joins in the singing.
"Call for the captain ashore, let me go home, let me go home, I wanna go home..."Fade to black.