Granted, it's not quite July 2nd here and I'm still living the July 1st Canada Day dream, but I wanted to get this out of the way now, a list of things to do, sort of. Plus I just need to rant a little.

Tomorrow, I need to:
  • clean my room, write letters and get stamps some how.
  • try not to kill those who would whine incessantly and complain about random crap that really doesn't matter.
  • node. read nodes, etc., etc.. work on the webpage a little bit if time permits.
  • sleep in, oh sweet sweet sleep how you have eluded me this week but not for long, no, no not for long.
I need to figure out where I'm going to live, where I'm going to get a job, where to go to college. I put it off for an entire year now. Something has to happen here. I worked part of this year but I haven't worked in quite some time and I've been broke since Christmas. Bleh. I'm the worst for making life decisions, it is not something I particularly enjoy, I'm not good at it. I want to work at a newspaper place, ideally, but since when have my ideals ever mattered anyway.

I'd like to give my highest compliments to those who've participated in Whose node is it anyway? up to this point. There are some amazing entries.. gooooo noder's! I realize that "so charmingly heathen, your skin is like a teardrop on a popsicle", isn't the easiest nodeshell to work with, but you've done dreamy things with it.

I'll add to this tomorrow at some point, after I've done some of my to do list. (I acutally probably won't do most of it, but I do intend to get those letters done even if I have to steal some stamps from a baby or something.)

So, it's later...
I'm bored. No, I'm kidding, I'm not actually.. it's very quiet and I'm actually sort of drowsy, though I'd credit that mainly to the lazy-day atmosphere. It's dreamy though, no complaints.
i went to the state fairgrounds today and i felt something (someone?) that i had left there a long time ago. digging through gardens of old memories, i discovered that there was nothing really marvelous about this place, that time, when i discovered another world existed.

there is always that moment when you feel like your head is going to explode and all of your little secrets are going to float away on the wind and you will be exposed, standing naked in front of the classroom full of little snickering boys. i relived that moment and this time i really had a chance to understand why i was so scared. why i didn't want them to know...

i haven't been myself lately. i think i've been slowly wavering between my two identities, the one that is quite introverted and intelligently random, and the other who is abusive, sarcastic, and sometimes outspoken. on everything, i am only the first--none of you have ever witnessed the old me. i thought i had forgotton her, but standing where that ferris wheel had stood, feeling as if i were being twirled around in a sea of cotton-candy and pulled taffy, i found her.

and i was scared...

that makes me wonder if she is somehow a part of me, if i need her to survive, to be me. i doubt it. i think it was just that marvelous moment in the fading dusk when they asked me if i had ever done this and i lied and i couldn't bring myself back from that lie and i lived it and now my soul was borne on the open air forever to haunt those who chose the same path.

fairs are lovely. everyone should go to one at least once a year.

My head is gonna s'plode. I've been at this damned computer for 13 hours, no lie! The three times I did get up were only to insure that my bladder didn't s'plode.

Spent the earlier part of those 13 hours working on rebuilding a portion of my site. It and several others hosted on cyberarmy got wrongly killed on April 29th. It is rumored that this was a deliberate act committed by a former cyberarmy officer. Then again, it could have been some kind of freak server accident, but I don't think so. Regardless, it was seriously uncool!

Anyway, hours later I logged on here and went on a noding spree. It was long overdue, trust me. But I lost track of time...

The sun will be up in just a few minutes...

And I don't have a damned coffin!!!

<< week | July 1, 2000 | July 2, 2000 | July 3, 2000 | week >>

Everything's Best Users Snapshot

   #   Users                   XP   wa7   inc Level   l_XP l_wa7
   1   Pseudo_Intellectual  16915   128     4    11  16911   149
   2   DMan                 15124   186   191     9  14933   185
   3   dem bones            13432   104    29    11  13403   116
   4   Segnbora-t           10935    95    92    10  10843    95
   5   Saige                10781    82     4    10  10777    95
   6   pukesick              9317    14     1    10   9316    16
   7 * dannye                8077   119   127     9   7950   118
   8   sensei                8077   115   102     7   7975   117
   9 - jessicapierce         8062     0    -3    10   8065     0
  10   Deborah909            7951    37    30    10   7921    38
  11   N-Wing                7755    33     1     9   7754    38
  12   tregoweth             7716    95   139    10   7577    88
  13   Jet-Poop              7561    86     6     9   7555    99
  14 * Lometa                7090    64   100     9   6990    58
  15 - ideath                7062    63     3     7   7059    73
  16   yossarian             6957    35    14     9   6943    38
  17   JeffMagnus            6887    21     2     9   6885    24
  18   knifegirl             6885    41    20     9   6865    45
  19   pingouin              6763    22    13     9   6750    23
  20 * /dev/joe              6709    73    75     8   6634    73
  21 - Tem42                 6651    52    16     8   6635    58
  22   ModernAngel           6492    12     1     9   6491    14
  23   General Wesc          6348    32    35     9   6313    32
  24   moJoe                 6174    54   117     9   6057    43
  25   hoopy_frood           5926    18     4     8   5922    20
  26   novalis               5709    19     1     9   5708    22
  27   bozon                 5611     9     1     9   5610    10
  28 * Sylvar                5025    67     7     7   5018    77
  29 - juliet                5020    37    -5     9   5025    44
  30   RockLobster           4978    29     0     9   4978    34
  31   alex.tan              4954    31    14     7   4940    34
  32 * Templeton             4881    63    58     5   4823    64
  33 - nine9                 4853    12    11     9   4842    12
  34   yam                   4816    11     2     7   4814    13
  35   Uberfetus             4805    49    89     6   4716    42
  36   bitter_engineer       4511    47     2     7   4509    54
  37 * hamster bong          4489    83    86     5   4403    82
  38 - sabre23t              4478    54    60     6   4418    53
  39   Sarcasmo              4352     5     1     8   4351     6
  40 * kessenich             4251    28    35     9   4216    27
  41 - ariels                4250     9     1     8   4249    10
  42   knarph                4056    30    74     9   3982    23
  43 * wharfinger            3896    44    47     5   3849    43
  44 - CaptainSpam           3884    20    11     8   3873    22
  45   Lord Brawl            3805    35    13     8   3792    39
  46   ailie                 3695    14     3     7   3692    16
  47   Woundweavr            3638    10     1     8   3637    11
  48   Orange Julius         3637    27    13     7   3624    29
  49 * 65535                 3606    35    29     5   3577    36
  50 - Quizro                3593     8     2     8   3591     9
  51   hatless               3538    20     3     8   3535    23
   *   EBU #51               3538    24     3     *   3535    28

Server time: 15:05 Sun Jul 2 2000 TZ +0100 not UTC since May 26, 2000

* = users rising up in the EBU; - = users falling down in the EBU
l_ = last (previous) value; inc = increase in stats value
wa7 = ((stats + (6 * l_wa7))/7) = weighted average with denominator 7

sabre23t: Random Nodes

sabre23t: Nodes to node

I have spent half of today obsessing about how much I don't know. Part of it is regret at all of the time that I've squelched, and part of it is this general freak-out feeling I get from peering into the chasm of massive-amounts-of-shit-that-I-don't-know. It's a dead end. I'm going to focus on the certification for the next week so I can get the fucking thing over with. Along with that, Y doesn't think that we're compatible. So it was a great fucking day; just perfect.

My birthday is this coming weekend. Maybe I'll spend the day in bed completely obscured by the covers.

but reading klash's chemotherapy write-up puts things into perspective. :::sigh:::

Happy Bithday kessenich!! Hope you have a great weekend. Mines July the 8th, next Saturday....yay for Birthdays!!

Plans have been made for the 4th of July. We're (or at least I am) going to my brother-in-laws. Hubby has to work and Number One Son isn't sure yet. Number Two Son hasn't said one way or the other. He gets bored over there, but they do have a nice pool and it'll be one of the few times this summer we can swim. They're going to have a Bar B Q and I've been asked to bring my BBQ Beans a famliy favorite and requested for nearly all summer cookouts.

Number Two Son's artwork went on display June 28th to July 31, called Emerging Views II at a nearby Park Gallery. I'm trying to get us all together, but I may have to give up that idea and have him invite a friend and go together. He always has been one to work with his hands. Asked me to teach him to sew then snuck around stealing scrapes of material from my basket to make a pillow for his dad on Father's Day when he was 9 or 10. An eye for shapes, I asked him a few weeks ago when I got my hair cut very short (two inches is the longest) An honest assesment and one I consider a compliment, he tells me it looks good! It fits the shape of my head better.

All of these people in my life will live as long as you go on to remember them.

Let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds, not neglecting to meet together.
- Hebrews 10: 24-25 (NRSV)


Contrary to popular belief, reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. I'm alive, it's just that it's been one thing after another lately. I'm still living in a motel, I still have no place to live, no job, etc. I took part of the Stanford language placement test for Chinese, and apparently I need to learn some more characters unless I want to spend four years and $88,000 getting a Master's degree, which is insane.

Mind if I write down what I wrote you, Starrynight? The thing is, we've been here 3 weeks. We have applied for ONE place to live, and it's $1200 a month rent, which would put us close to or in the red, plus the stratospheric Stanford tuition. And, dozens of other people (read: clueless dotcommers with big bank accounts) applied for the same place.

If we don't get the house, which seems likely, should I ask Stanford for a delayed admittance (or whatever), applying to Berkeley in the meantime, and trying to get a place to live, job at a museum or Asian antique store, and Chinese classes in a more reasonable area such as Oakland or Alameda? Or what?

I'll tell you one thing: No matter how discouraged or despairing I get, there is no way in hell that I'm going back to Arkansas.

Then there's a bunch of private stuff that's been bothering me, involving bad timing on the part of the Universe. At any rate, the coup de grace was that my Sony VAIO fell apart. Literally. It's in PIECES. I used to think Sony was so cool. Damn them! The ONE corporation I had faith in, and they manufacture this piece of rubbish. It's not just me, either. As much as I'd sort of hoped it was a manufacturing fluke, other women in the SFWOW group have told me the same things (and worse) have happened to their Sony Superslims. If you have any idea about what we/I could do, let me know. I actually bought duct tape to try patching it back together, as I don't think I can even afford to hire some Stanford techie student to try kluging it back together. I definitely can't afford a replacement, not even a blasted Palm V.


Well, I started out the day with a phone call from my friend Irene. She wanted to basically know what was up. Unfortunately it woke me up and got me out of bed. We talked for roughly an hour with my girlfriend calling in the middle (I have call waiting) to tell me she'd call me later. Irene told me that Raiders of the Lost Ark, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, The Princess Bride, and 3D porn were being shown over the next couple of weeks at a local theater and we decided we should go to all of them. Unfortunately I'll still be one month from being 18, but I'm hoping the porn is NC-17, otherwise I might not get in. Eventually she had to get off the phone though.

I went on E2, and wrote some writeups and made it to level 2. Hooray! I can now vote! I went to some websites, but being a Sunday, not much was happening on the web. I tried out Gnutella, and it seems like a great transfer protocal.

I then found a Sunny Day Real Estate website full of reviews of the new album The Rising Tide and guitar tabs for three of the new songs which I was eager to learn to play. I read the reviews, most of them claiming that it is one of the best albums of 2000. One review called it the OK-Computer of 2000, and I'd have to agree. I went and played guitar for a long time and had fun learning the new songs.

I then went back to the computer and played some Infantry before dinner and got a call from my girlfriend. She asked me to come over at 9PM. After dinner I got showered and headed over to her place.

I got there and talked with her and her exchange student "sister" and we ate Jelly Belly jelly beans. The exchange student got tired and went to bed because she still hasn't fully adjusted to the new time zone. I talked with my girlfriend and had a wonderful time with her. She showed me her cell phone that she had just gotten, proving to me that I am now dating a yuppy. Oh well, she's great for a yuppy. I came home at 1:15 and am off to bed now.


Another tough day to get out of bed. My immediate thought was, please, let me sleep just a little longer! This thought quickly vanished from my mind as I remembered that today I was going to Buffalo, and hopefully I was going to meet NSync. But even with that thought I still couldn't get myself out of bed! And then I heard Carin from across the room, Debbie, it's your turn to get up first, I got up first yesterday. Poop! I totally do not want to get out of bed. But I suppose I can't really argue with her logic, afterall it is only fair that I shower first, afterall, she did let me sleep in yesterday after drinking all night. So I got out of bed and headed for the shower.

There is a cool light on a timer in the bathroom so that you can time how long you are in the shower. I set it for ten minutes and was surprised that I made it out of the shower before the light went off. I thought I took super long showers. Maybe ten minutes is a long shower? Either way, I showered and got dressed for the day and ran downstairs for a quick smoke while Carin finished getting ready. We made the last sweep of the room looking for left behind objects and then checked out. Doesn't sound like this day is going to be too interesting does it? Well it does get better, I promise!

Almost immediately after getting in the car, I made the mistake of mentioning Team Fiasco. Why did I have to open my big fat mouth? Everything was going so well. Curse Team Fiasco and it's wicked wicked ways!! Suddenly we couldn't find our way out of Cleveland, we had to turn around a few times. Things seemed to settle down when we got on I-90 but of course what could really go wrong on 90? The trip seemed to go by amazingly quick, until we got to Buffalo and realized that we had no idea how to get to the arena. The directions Doug had given us from the web, led us to a Marine Midland BANK not the arena! We must have wasted somewhere between half an hour and an hour trying to find our way out of this mess. But finally we saw some tall buildings and decided to head straight for them.

When we got to the arena we were immediately greeted with the sight of the tour busses. Carin was getting pretty excited and I was getting nervous that tickets and meet and greet passes that I thought I had scored for us wouldn't be at the will call window afterall. Carin told me not to worry but I know she was just as worried. And with good reason, cos they weren't there when we finally made it to the will call window. I was so upset. It wasnt' that I was all bummed that we woudln't get to meet NSync, it was that someone could be so mean as to promise that they would be there, and that we had gone to all this trouble to show up and then the tickets weren't there. Besides, I wanted to meet someone famous!!

Well, I decided that the guy had given me his name and I was going to use it. So I told the people at the window that he was supposed to leave them for me and they said they couldn't help me. They refused to call back and see if they could find him and so I decided I would hunt him down on my own. I went back to the place where the tour busses were and flagged down a security guard. I explained to him that I needed to get in touch with this guy and he radioed out to see if he could find him for me and then he walked away. I figured he was trying to blow me off and wasnt' going to help me and now I was getting extremely ticked off. But after waiting what seemed like forever the guard came back and told me that Dave(the guy who was supposed to leave the tickets for me) was coming back here to talk to me. So I waited another eternity and finally this big gut with curly hair came out and talked to us. He said he was with Dave and that there was no meet and greet today. I knew he was lying cos Dave told me in Cleveland that there was one and so I told him so. He told us that there was supposed to be one but they had used all their passes up in Cleveland or something like that and so there wouldn't be one here. It sounded like the biggest crock of bullshit I ever heard but I figured if they didn't want to give me the meet and greet passes they were at least going to give me the tickets! So I mentioned that Dave had also promised me free tickets and since I had driven all the way out here could I please at least get those. He said he would go in and talk to Dave about them and see what he could do....

Again, we waited and waited and waited. It really did seem like we must have waited an entire lifetime but in reality it was probably only about ten minutes. I got impatient and I didn't think that he was going to come back out. When I just couldn't take the waiting any longer I told Carin that the only reason why we got this far was because that security guard in Cleveland was so nice and because she was a woman. I thought that if we were going to get these tickets we were going to have to ask a woman. So I spoke with the one woman security guard there and I explained to her how far we had travelled and that this guy had promised us the tickets and I asked her if she could please help us. She agreed to help us, she went in the building and found Dave herself and came back out with a phone number for us to call. I just thought she was the nicest person, I couldn't believe that she went so far out of her way to help us. Her name was Lynn and I thanked her many times because I just thought she was the nicest person.

So we went back to the car and called Dave on the cell phone and he told us that he had given that other guy the tickets and he must not have been able to find us so he said he would leave tickets for us at the will call window. And I told him that the other guy had said that there wasn't a meet and greet today and that I was pretty bummed about that (cos I drove so far for this show:) and he said that there was a meet and greet but there weren't any passes left but he woudl see what he could. It didn't sound like he was going to be able to get them but I thought that at least we were getting to see a free show and the seats he was going to give us were probably going to be pretty good seats....

So Carin and I went to the will call window and the tickets weren't there yet. But we had just gotten off the phone with him so I didn't really expect them to be there yet. Just as I turned around to leave the window area, there he was! Dave was standing right there and he handed me an envelope and as I took it from him I could feel that it was thicker than just two tickets. I thought for sure those meet and greet passes were in there! I was so excited that I hugged Dave!! He laughed and he seemed to enjoy Carin and I being so excited and then he hugged Carin! It was cool. But Carin didn't know if those meet and greet tickets were in there and it was driving her crazy, so we walked a littleways from the crowd and I opened the envelope and Carin screamed. We had em!

So then we had to figure out where the meet and greet was. But it was such a secret kind of thing that no one would tell us anything about it unless we showed them our passes! Some people told us that it would be at 4:30 and some said 5:15 some said it wouldn't be til 5:30. There was no way I was going to miss this, after all that work. So we decided not to check into the hotel yet and instead we moved the car out of its illegal space and into the garage. We opened the trunk and fixed our hair and put on more deodorant (it was so hot and muggy that day it was unbelievable!). I felt kind of silly putting my deodorant on in the parking garage but at least I smelled all powder fresh!! And then we went in and waited....and waited and waited...

Finally it was time for the meet and greet. It didn't even seem real to me. It was as if I was just going in to talk to any person, after all the work that we had done to get these things, it just seemed so unreal. We got in the room and we ended up in the fourth row, which was pretty decent considering there were about 20 rows and you couldn't stand up during the whole thing. The band came in and stood in the front so we could take pictures. We were allowed to use our flash for these pictures but later when we went up to get our autographs we couldn't. I think I got some decent pictures but they all have people's heads on the bottom of them. But that's ok. So then the audience got to ask some questions, when I say some, I mean about four. And of course the people who asked the questions asked the most retarded questiosn but I couldn't think of anything to ask....I thought of plently as soon as I left...

So after the questions part we got to go up one row at a time and get their autographs. Carin was ahead of me in line and she said hello to Justin, he was the first one at the table. He didn't say anything back to her and it bugged her. But Chris was next and I think he noticed that she was bummed that Justin didn't say hello to her and Chris said hello to her. I told Justin and Chris that I really liked the changes they had made in the music for the live shows. They both said, really? And then I told Chris that I had seen both shows in Cleveland and he wanted to know which I liked better. I wasn't sure and i told him so, he said that he liked the second one better. And I said, oh, well the confetti machine wasn't working the second night. And he didn't know that. And then I was off to Lance, my favorite. I said hello Lance and he smiled at me and said hello back. Then I said hello to Joey and JC. Nothing too exciting happened. But it was neat to watch them sign the autographs because they would be passing the picture on to the next person while they were still signing it. It was like one continous motion. I suppose if you sign so many autographs you get a routine down, it was just kind of neat.

We had to leave right after the autographs and we went to our seats for the show. The show was awesome. I have been in an arena with girls that screamed so loud in my entire life. It was unbelievable. It was to the point that even if I had the urge to scream, it wouldn't have made a difference because the screams were so loud I wouldn't have even been able to hear it myself. I enjoyed the show and then when it was over we booked it to our hotel to see if we could catch them before they left for the night. Someone had told us at the meet and greet that they had already checked out of their hotel but we didnt' think that was right. It just didn't seem to make too much sense.

More to come...I'm tired!!

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