Was it the music? No. No. I knew it wasn't the music. It was something else, it was me. I could feel it gnawing at the back of my head for a long time now. I brought it up before and everyone told me I was silly for thinking it, silly for having that thought at all. I've always considered myself a silly person. This was something else. This wasn't a silly fleeting thought.
As everyone knows, humans are not perfect. We do not behave correctly, speak correctly or think correctly. We all have our flaws. I, am lazy. Many say that they are, but I am not sure this is correct. I may not be lazy, I just hate to work. I'd rather play. I can't focus, and I don't get a lot out of what I read, unless I write down notes and refer back to them. Maybe it's just me. I don't think I'm ADD.
It was nice when I could blame the pot, because I could blame the pot. "It is the scourge! The devil's weed has clouded my brain! The plant ate my homework!" Yet this was only part of the problem. Easily overdone, it was overdid. And how overdid it was.
But that's not the point, just my way of dodging getting to the point. I got my report card a few days ago. I failed Computing II, got a D in Calculus II and a C in Physics I. I don't know how well I did on last Friday's Physics II test, but I know it wasn't good. I am currently a CS major, for the second time at my second college. I am already on the verge of failing out again. Needless to say, this would not be good. I thought I'd be able to turn some things around when I came home, I thought things would change. Nothing's changed, not the clothes I wear, not the things I do, and not the person I am.
In highschool I was a devout Metal-Head. I wore black jeans and black MetallicA T-shirts. I was Metaller Than Thou, with my black nail polish and my cd case full of Marilyn Manson, Fear Factory, Megadeth and Pantera CDs. I picked up the ideal of being true to oneself from the music, and I felt I should do whatever it is that I wanted to do. So I played lots of video games and did very little homework, and never studied. Highschool, in America, is really stupid. You can easily get by in such a manner.
College is a whole different ballgame. "The tests are hard! I have to study! What the fuck is this shit?" I chose a Computer Science major because I was on the computer a lot, and I wanted to design video games, as I was bg into RPGs, specifically, the Final Fantasy series by Square. I bought a book on programming games for Linux as well as a book on the GTK+ toolkit. Never did shit with em. I read the one on making games, but never was able to actually start putting down C code, let alone designing an RPG. This should have been a sign.
I should be doing physics homework now. I was caught by myself staring at my shelf of programming books, realizing I've only opened several a few times, and understood none of any of them. I think it's time to change my major. And get a job, but that's a different rant. I'm flip-flopping between English and History, but leaning towards history as I feel I can take fact from other sources and meld it into a work of my own pretty easily. That's pretty much what I do with most of my writing on this site. I don't know if I'll be able to work any better on English than on CS. I know I used to hate writing papers, yet now I'm drawn to them. Maybe I should have taken the three stories I wrote at the age of 12, totalling 47 pages, as a hint, and become an English major in the first place. I'm going to talk to my fiance this evening, and find out what she thinks. I don't think Math, or CS is for me anymore. I'm tired of looking at tests and not knowing where to start, even with the formula sheet. I need to turn my life around and get some fucking work done, and stop finding another way to fail. Is this it? Nay, my friends. This is it. No "it better be", no bullshit. This is it.