Our intrepid double-naught spy
, Mr. Bodine
, recently returned from an undercover
assignment investigating reported plans of world domination at the Miss Manners Biological Warfare
Development Center, has recovered some fairly damning G2
. Consistent with Judith Martin
cal and insidious, "wheels within wheels" modus operandi
, she has once again given us just enough rope with which to hang ourselves.
Fortunately, my own operative ( the perpetually unflappable Number 007 Ox
), has returned with the prophylactic
completion that will significantly reduce (or rather, transform) our degree of exposure.
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Mr. Bodine is hot on the trail of the solution. His extension of the basic process is correct, as far as it goes, yet incomplete. He correctly notes the unwanted juxtapostion
of nasty bacteria
and the delicate mucous membranes
of our beloved genitalia
. However, how are we to deal with the dreaded splashback? The solution is at once simple
. The post-urination
handwashing should be immediately followed with a genitalia
washing and then yet another
handwashing. The cleanliness of both hands and genitalia is thereby insured.
The more paranoid
of my brethren in the intelligence
community feel that by implementing this proposal, we could be dancing exactly
according to plan of the master puppeteer and that Ms. Martin
is planning on cornering the market on bidet
s. Fortunately, I have acted preemptively to preclude any such action by launching bidet
As a stopgap measure, until there is a bidet
in every restroom, we must all fastidious
ly engage in manual genitalia
cleansing that is to be performed immediately
. It is vital that this cleansing be vigorous and thorough. Detailed instructions may be viewed at the Genital Cleansing Faq
Please be prepared for the initial odd reactions to your adherence to this procedure. Uninformed
people may appear amused, shocked and even frightened by your behavior. You must attempt to educate those that do not understand. Within twenty four hours, an educational pamphlet will be available from Jack Chick
at www.chick.com. Stock up and distribute with extreme prejudice
In closing, I must commend the tenacity
of Mr Bodine. While his implicit statement regarding his position on oral sex
has most likely hampered him in the dating pool
, we will all live better, safer, cleaner lives for it.