Disclaimer: This story is not palatable by normal people.
Our life was terribly boring. Night after night my wife and I would watch pathetic television sitcoms after a bland dinner and then it was off to bed. We never even made love anymore for we were weary of the routine.
There was no excitement at all until one day my cousin Arnie came into my place of business. He came to tell me of a murder he had heard about. It wasn't so much a murder as it was an accident, but calling it a murder makes it so much more delightful.
Apparently, one of my cousin's neighbors, this clumsy old fool named Sid was trimming his hedges with his new hedge clippers. On the other side of the row of bushes that divided their two yards was another neighbor, a deaf old timer named Eldon. Eldon had been in his yard enjoying a lemonade when a gnat landed on his cheek. In trying to brush it away, Eldon used a bit too much force and knocked his glasses away from his face. His goggles sailed off and landed in the bushes that the confused young Sid was trimming. Deaf as could be, Eldon began picking through the hedges in a valiant quest to recover his lost spectacles. Sid continued to hack away, unaware of Eldon's plight. Eldon, finding nothing as he reached around with his hands, thrust his head forward into the hedges to see if he might locate them that way. Sid, with unbridled enthusiasm, chose the same moment to slip off the ladder on which he was standing. In most grisly fashion, the clippers did catch hold of ancient Eldon's neck, severing it completely from his arthritic body.
I was ecstatic to hear the news! I needed to immediately find this severed head and gaze upon its lackluster appearance. I had to open its vacant eyes and determine what the brain anchored behind it might be up to. My wife and I would be bored no longer. The head was the answer to our doldrums.
I went to the scene of this wonderful incident and searched through the hedges in the hope it would still be lingering amongst the branches. I found only traces of blood and other products that I gleefully imagined streaming out of poor Eldon's neck. I wondered whether his head might have stayed alive long enough to allow him to enjoy his pain, or if perhaps his eyes had finally spotted the lost glasses just before they stopped viewing this world.
I went to the morgue. I didn't see any fucked up old morgue janitors (my greatest fear), but I saw some lovely bodies stretched out on slabs. A corpulent police officer was snoring away in a far corner, so I took advantage of my great opportunity. I put my tongue down the throats of most of the dead, but alas, all of their heads were still attached to their bodies. Such disappointment.
After pulling bits of hair, dried blood and bone fragments out of my mouth, I drove my car to the police station, hoping it would be there. The place was crawling with cops! Knowing I had to act fast or forever lose this opportunity, I disguised myself as a sea urchin and used my boxlike exoskeleton and moveable spines to slowly propel myself past the heat and into the evidence room. There, after regaining my human form, I found it. They had placed it in an old Norwegian refrigerator for safe keeping. It was inside an old garbage bag clearly marked with his name and the date it was entered into safekeeping. I pulled it out and kissed it full on the lips before putting it back into the bag. Soon the moment would come. I couldn't wait to show it to my wife. Surely this would be more exciting than the quart of vanilla ice cream she had brought home the night before.
When I got home I arranged my new prize on the kitchen table. I combed his rancid hair and give him a cold tonic, which he didn't drink much of. I went into the bedroom and found a tasteful color of lipstick amongst my wife's belongings and applied it to his colorless lips. I used a tremendous amount of force but was finally able to bring a smile to his face.
Then I heard my wife's Conestoga wagon pull into the driveway. After she tied up the horses, I rushed out to great her.
"I know it has been a while but how about some head?" I asked her.
"I thought you couldn't do that anymore because of all the paper cuts you get at work licking envelopes," was her curt response.
"Problem solved!" I screeched so all the neighbors would hear. "Come on inside, baby!"
This story was originally published (1989) in a rag.
An indepedent publication called Sick Society
that was willing to publish anything they considered "on the edge"
These days it just seems very, very weird.
The weirdest thing is that this is my only "published" work (as of the time of posting).
I was paid $40 and the publication no longer exists.
Sometimes I'm not sure it ever did.
The original title at the time of publication was"The Head in the Fridge"
Here, sir, is your perspective on "the business"
I renounce all copyright.