As you know, I am a big fan of movies made by the guys who work at the library.
Because I am trapped in a time travel nightmare (someone needs to node that because it is an EXCELLENT subject) where I am back being a camp counselor, I don't have access to any of their new works. I know that many of you are nebishes and country doctors, but I would appreciate it if you could go to the library in town and pull one of the library people aside and ask them, "Where are the guys who make movies?" I would surely appreciate it. Maybe I can give you a kiss on the forehead. I'm sure most of you have only been kissed by other nebishes and country doctors. I assure you that I kiss better than they do. I am sexy as fuck.
The last movie I saw made by the guys who work at the library was called Journey of the Severed Heads. This is part of a series of films they are making on the topic of severed heads doing different things. It began with Dance of the Severed Heads some years hence.
Be sure to watch more films made by guys who work at the library, but this series is a great place to start to adjust your mind to this challenging genre.
Dance of the Severed Heads (2007)
Kyle is preparing for finals in his senior year of high school. He is HOT. The guy wears a pair of jeans like nobody's business. Looks a hell of a lot better in them than you do, that's for sure. Your ass sags big time, bitch. I'm just saying. Now, Kyle gets a phone call. If you don't know what a phone call is, then you are an idiot. The phone call is from someone. We don't hear who it is, but Kyle seems mighty upset about whatever they are saying. He says, "I'll have the twenty bucks I owe you in an hour. Yes. Meet me at the railyards."
Never meet people at the railyards. What the fuck is up with that? Who does that shit? Anyway, Kyle goes down to the railyards where there is this guy in a gray suit and one of those old businessman type hats from the 50s and shit. "You got my money?" "Yeah." Kyle pulls out a twenty dollar bill and hands it to the businessman-type guy. Then man then says, "Get in the men's room and get what's coming to you."
Later, we see the train pull into a station in Chicago. A woman gets out with a big sack. She gets in a limo, this limo guy puts the sack in the back (poem), and they drive off. They get to a big Miami Vice-type house and she brings the sack inside. A man in a Miami Vice-type outfit greets them and brings the woman and the sack into his Miami Vice-type living room. They dump the sack out of all these severed heads. The man puts on Miami Vice-type music and the heads begin dancing.
This one was well received.
Noink of the Severed Heads (2009)
No one knew what to make of this one when it first came out. No one knew what a "noink" is and it is never explained in the film. Filmmaker Library Guy #7 refuses to comment, or even take the question any longer.
In this one, about midway through, there is a shot of a museum workshop where someone is putting war paint on some severed heads. At no other point in the movie are severed heads in any way involved in the plot. A real head turner. Roger Ebert said "Thumbs down" on this one.
Cruise of the Severed Heads (2010)
Library Guy #7, who made Noink of the Severed Heads was fired from the library on Christmas Eve, 2009. As such, most of his work on this film was truncated and Library Guy #9, who had worked on the original film with him, took over the project. Library Guy #7, who became just Jim Snider after his firing, had some issues with the film going on without him. No one has any fucking idea what they were. He was kind of hard to figure, you know?
In this one, we return to the mysterious lady from Dance of the Severed Heads, who is once again transporting a sack of heads. This time, she is on a cruise ship. We are not certain why, but she spends a lot of time in a bikini in this and she has a terrible body. I think it is Library Guy #3's girlfriend. He worked on the first one with them as a choreographer for the heads themselves. He was brought on to help with getting the heads to move the right way on this one, since they weren't moving around on their own in Noink of the Severed Heads. Neither Library Guy #3 nor Library Guy #9 were involved in Noink. They had gotten into an argument with Library Guy #7 (now known as Jim Snider) over a box of Cheeze-Its and quit the project. They worked on Greetings of the Times, which was nomincated for an Oscar (didn't win) as Best Motion Picture Made By Guys Who Work in the Library. So, we see who came out on top there.
Box of the Severed Heads (2012)
This one is indeed a classic of library-based cinema. My friend Jill was in this, wiggling her tits in the bar scene. She's the one in the "Jeffrey's Girls" t-shirt.
Cruise of the Severed Heads - The Snider Cut (2012)
While Library Guy #9 and Library Guy #3 were making Box of the Severed Heads, Jim Snider was working on and releasing his own version of Cruise of the Severed Heads. It is not considered Heads canon. It was not made by someone who works at the library. I won't even discuss it.
Heat Signature of the Severed Heads (2014)
Jim Snider got into a fistfight with Library Guys #3 & #9 in 2013 that put all of them in the hospital (library guys are wimpy and their girlfriends are hideous). In the end, they went to court and the Library Guys won the rights to the Heads series. It was in the news.
This film is said to be the most absurdist of the series. We see a lot of giant donuts just rolling down roads with no explanation. It is pretty cool to look at. Betty, one of the old ladies who hangs out at the library, plays Gertrude Andrews, heiress of a massive fortune and some industrial age companies. She has some many smokestacks on her building that it turns the sky black. She shows up at the train station with a sack of severed heads and hands them off to the woman from the first (the girl who gives handjobs to the library guy IN THE STACKS and does it ALL THE FUCKING TIME) movie who got on the train. So, it is like a loop or something. Which is interesting, I guess.
Observations of a Severed Head (2015)
This one is only fifteen minutes long, so you can watch it on your smoke break. It shows one of the library guys (I think it is #17 but I'm not sure) staring at a severed head while sitting at an oak desk from the industrial age. Nothing else happens. The head looks real, though. It is CRAZY.
Quack of the Severed Heads (2017)
There was a bit of controversy when the library guys brought in Mochiro Funiko to work on this one. He is not a library guy. I don't know who the fuck he is, but there is no way that is a real name.
Revenge of the Severed Heads (2018)
Robert Ebert, despite being deceased, said this one really sat well with him. We are back on the train with the sack of severed heads, but it is on one of the train cars by itself. It is sans supervision. The train goes around a corner and the sack falls over. The heads roll out. They start looking around. The train stops, one of them opens the door with its heat vision, and they spill out into the night.
The rest is shot in and around the library, as in outside. The heads pursue and kill eighteen people. The crime is never solved. The heads disappear into the sewers. It is CRAZY.
Land of the Severed Heads (2019)
In this one, we are taken to a planet that is ruled by the severed heads. It looks like a moon, but it is actually shot in miniature with toy furniture and toy severed heads inside a shoebox made up to look like the moon. It is CRAZY. This is their homeworld. They chatter amongst themselves. They hatch a plan to invade earth. It is CRAZY.
Social Distancing with the Severed Heads (2020)
This one was shot during the pandemic as a PSA. It shows the severed heads about six feet apart. They look back and forth at each other. A naked guy wearing a pandemic mask applauds.
Journey of the Severed Heads (2021)
The best of the bunch. Go ask the people at the library about it. They'll tell you where to go.