MC Sweetie is the third best rapper of all time, with the top two best rappers being...

1. MC Paul Barman
2. Kool Keith

Until one of these hip hop moguls are to expire or be rendered "mute", MC Sweetie is forever doomed to remain the third best rapper of all time.
The following is an actual essay I wrote about our favorite third best rapper for my high school English class. It got an A, but probably not because of the subject matter...a shame.

Many musicians come through the pipe every year, from every nationality and from every conceivable genre. And in a world with such aural saturation, some look for a lifeboat: something to rescue them and to provide them with shelter, an escape from it all, and a warm bowl of soup.

Enter MC Sweetie.

Born as Robert Parker in the backwoods town of Ringgold, Georgia, MC Sweetie’s first influences came from the bass guitar, and a garage band known as the Flaming Mongoloids. In 1997 he broke onto the scene with his MC moniker and his debut track, “Cops 2000.” The public was astounded and wanted more. Sweetie delivered, and keeps delivering to this very day. Yet as this new millennium rolls on, many of MC Sweetie’s fans have begun to drift, looking at the growing number of other white-bread mixmasters to satisfy them, effectively endangering MC Sweetie’s rise in popularity. He is an innovator. Some say a pioneer. But will he continue to be recognized as such years down the line?

Many have criticized Sweetie’s apparent minimalist techniques; saying that his endlessly looped background sounds are grating and that he never uses anything beyond a common tape recorder microphone. Yet these are the same people that are bred entirely on the Top 40 set and refuse to dig deeper into the musical spectrum to find something as golden as Sweetie’s song “Hippie Death,” a rollicking satire of the opposition behind the WTO protests in Seattle.

People have also dismissed Sweetie’s increasing popularity, insisting that he can only last as long as five or six years before he becomes as forgotten as Milli Vanilli or the Baha Men. But if all bodes well, Sweetie’s popularity could grow to such an enormous size that other aspiring artists will be too discouraged to even bother challenging his monopoly.

And to get even more specific, there are those who scoff at MC Sweetie’s near disability at creating a song that lasts over 2 minutes and 30 seconds. And while they say this, our species continues to become more “pressed for time,” wanting things as quickly and easily than ever before, almost becoming slaves to their wristwatches. What others have called a “disability” may soon become an advantage.

So by my reckoning, MC Sweetie can become a revolution unto himself. Those who storm out of the room at the first listening of “Robot Education” may soon find themselves sitting alone in a dark apartment, with nothing but the sweet humming of the refrigerator to keep them entertained. Meanwhile the rest of us will be rocking out to the best that MC Sweetie has to offer. And I can’t possibly envision a better future than that.

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