Random thoughts about the ex-girlfriend...

The person formerly known as your girlfriend. Now she's just some random bitch you might see on the street. She was the person with whom you shared three years of your life, your queen sized bed, your favorite towel and your Macintosh computer with BNBP randomly strewn about its hard drives.

She slept in the same bed with you for three years, and swapped body fluids with you on many occasions but did not trust or respect you. You gave her no reason to think that she couldn't trust you, but you still were not worthy. She looked down on you because you had a collection of comic books and XXX porn tapes. She called you sick and depraved when she found the BNBP on the Mac and couldn't wait until you got home from a business trip to tell you about yourself.

She didn't want you knowing how much money she had stashed, but she was always kept track or your loot and even went so far as to tell you how you should spend it. She became jealous of your computers because she thought you spent more time with them than with her. She let you know how much she deserved an engagement ring and how she didn't like you spending your money on those shitty computers. She didn't know until it was too late for her, that you'd already purchased the ring. The look on her face was priceless, when you showed her the receipt from Robbins 8th & Walnut because she didn't believe you. You planned on giving it to her a year previously, but had to think twice about it when the cops came knocking at the door at her request. She remembered her bad habit of taking out her frustrations on you and ruining two of your good shirts and the nice dinner you made for her.

She hated you for not trying hard enough to surprise her on her birthday. She hated you because you made more money than she did. She hated you for every little thing you did and did not do. She tried her best to change you and she failed miserably. She said she loved you but after a while you didn't think she meant it. Eventually you came to the conclusion that she was incapable of love. You hope she realized how badly she fucked up.

Even after all the bullshit, you still miss her. Which is probably why you hardly sleep in your bed anymore.

person who, given the right opportunity, would love to tell your current girlfriend and/or the girl(s) you are currently pursuing how you cheated on her, you introduced her to other women as your 'friend' one year into the relationship, you have a raging case of athlete's foot, you call your mother every night, the job you hold was given to you as a favor to her by an old friend, you're simply awful in bed, and you're not a 'fun guy' but, in fact, a belligerent alcoholic.

the girl whose friends will always glare at you and whose dog will growl at you. the girl who burned everything of yours in her posession and who dreams of getting into a fight with you for the express purpose of getting a restraining order that would make it impossible for you to continue your education at your current college.

the girl you never, ever want a girl you're interested in to meet. it's called retribution, baby.

..unless you ended on good terms - you weren't right for each other, your lives moved in opposite directions, but you treated each other always with respect and empathy. then she's the person who will advise you about your love life, set you up with her friends, buy you drinks, help you move, let you borrow her car, let you cry on her shoulder, give you drugs, make you a web page, and bail you out when you get thrown in jail.

whether your ex-girlfriend is satan's minion or your best friend all depends on which you were, as a boyfriend.

There are, that I've noticed, three different archetypes of ex-girlfriends:

1: The Dumper
This is the girl who walks up to you one day and tells you it's over. Also commonly known as "The one who broke your heart." The creation of this being is brought about by such things as a mid-life crisis, a mere re-evaluation of you, or the poorly hidden letters from your lover which she accidentally happened upon. You often hold no grudges against this type of ex, and can often manage a good conversation if you bump into her on the streets, providing you have done nothing to make her queasy at the site of you. Depending on the harshness of the dumping process you will probably still love her for a while, this will fade after a time, generally a long one.

2: The Dumpee
"I would be happier if I didn't have to inhabit this planet with you," of course, with a little more tact. This is often the case where you have recently discovered that your girlfriend is either a slut, an overall cruel person, or just plain ugly, (it could also mean a change in orientation on your part). When you are in this scenario you generally don't ever want to see the person again, as it is a reminder of the stupid mistakes that you are just too perfect to make. I often prefer being in this situation, as there is less chance of having a broken heart, even though you might cause one.

3: The Mutual Friend
This is probably both the rarest and most sought after type of ex-girlfriend. Often caused by things as simple as a change of pheromones. Relationships that end as mutual friendships usually never reach the love stage, or they have reached it to such a degree that the love doesn't leave, it just changes into something different. This could very well end up being your best friend for most of your life, and as a further benefit you will probably be able to discuss much more personal stuff with her then you would have been able to if the relationship had never gotten to the 'couple' stage.

Note - Not only is this a bit exaggerated for effect, but it is also taking it solely through the eyes of the male in the situation.