Oh my god I feel so damn old but don't really feel anything.
Basically, it's like this :
I hate school
I hate work
and I hate being home.
I hate the fact that I have to get up in the morning to go to work so that
I can make money so that I can pay rent for an apartment and a lifestyle
that isn't making me happy anymore.
I hate the fact that I have to get up in the morning to go to school so
that I can take arbitrary tests over a series of years so that eventually
when I graduate I can get a piece of paper that says I know these specific
things and this entitles me to more money that I can then use to buy more
things in a desperate attempt to sidestep the fact that none of it is
making me happy and eventually I will die this way.
I hate the fact that life is a series of random events instead of
something with an eventual conclusion. There is no rest, you can't
win. Everything is constantly maintaining what you have and guarding it
against being taken away. You're supposed to have fun 'on the way' to
accomplishing your goals, but that's not happening for me.
Don't get me wrong, I have good times too. Especially when hanging out
with friends (for some reason this makes me happy) so I try to do this a
lot. When I have to go back home, though, things just turn back to normal
and I have these bullshit 'philosophical' feelings about things I didn't
have to think about before, and I think a great deal of this has to do
with my chemical status (which makes me want to seek drugs, because I
don't think I can afford to try and pursue biofeedback or whatever)
I hate the fact that if I manage to avoid going to work or school I sleep
as late as I can and then when I wake up I want to sleep more. I don't
actually want to sleep my life away, but at the same time I want to sleep
_this_ portion of my life away. Maybe this portion of my life is
permanent. I hate being home because when I'm not busy I realize how
everything is utter bullshit.... and it seems that recently I haven't been
able to concentrate on other things at all so as to distract myself from
this state of mind. Normal used to be okay for me, now I have to go to
extremes to get any feeling at all.
I wouldn't mind not being able to sleep if I could be productive in the
hours that I am awake (like I used to be able to), but that's not possible
either. I've always known that I've had a healthy dose of ADHD, but now
it's absolutely choking me.
I hate the new perspective that I've gained on things that allows me to
see more sides to issues than I had seen before. It in essence destroys my
will to take sides at all or pursue any actions for any change that will
require maintainence that I know I will not be able to provide. Everything
I see is futility. I'm not sure which is right now, the way I was before,
or the way I am now. I suppose if I was the way I was before, I wouldn't
I really think all of this is due to chemicals. I realize now that I'm
basically just a robot slave shackled to the whims of the chemical
reactions happening inside my head that I don't believe I have much
control over. So right now I'm thinking I can either give up and die, or
try anything to avoid being dead.... which will probably lead to the
inevitable prescription of medication to me in some form or another.
At this point, I haven't thought much about killing myself (in the actual
planning that is... I have done a lot of thinking about the lack of worth
in my life). Predominantly, I have a lot of thoughts about the futility of
everything, and how right now my perception of life is pointless and
I don't know if any substance will be able to make me feel more distant
than anything than I feel right now, so I guess it's worth a shot.
I'm seeing a psychiatrist for the first time today. I don't have faith in
the practice of psychology/psychiatry, but I also don't have faith in the
'healing powers' of the medication I'll probably end up on. I just don't
want to deal with whatever else is going to happen to me if I don't take
some action, any action whatsoever, to correct (or forestall) what is
currently happening to me.
It's hard to analyze and reject feelings and thoughts you are having as
being the cause of a chemical status, because you're using the same brain
for both things. I guess it's sort of like trying to bite your own
teeth. Maybe soma will help.
I guess you could say I'm depressed.
Yes, I do realize how illogical I sound.
I'm not sure if this is proper material for the daylog.
Oh god, I hope I don't start writing bad poetry and posting it to my
800k image-laden cloud-backgrounded rainbow-animated-gif line-divider
having courtney love tribute geocities page.