Steve, at the next desk, is trying to install Windows 2000 on his workstation. After messing for hours with the initial install (watching DOS copy things from the CD painfully slowly, without the aid of smartdrive), he found that it wouldn't play with his LAN adapter.

Now, with a new LAN adapter in place, it talks to the network, but won't log on to the domain.

Meanwhile, my Linux box, right here is fine. He's a little pissed off.

I would just like to say that Leigh Nash has the voice of an angel, and that even the thought of it right now makes this busy day that much more tolerable.

I'm told the weather here (melting ice and snow, instead of the forecast several inches of city-stopping snow and cold) is my fault. I'll have to think about that while the day sparkles to a close. Or something. All you kids who had to go to school instead of play in the snow, you know where to find me.

My dog died today at 1am. It was out of nowhere. Right now i'm just broken. I'm sure I will be fine. It is just grief right? I just feel really alone.

I've received two calls for Bruce Vosberg. I'm not Bruce Vosberg. I don't know Bruce Vosberg. In all of my time with the Company I've never heard of Bruce Vosberg. Nobody else here knows Bruce Vosberg. The only connection I can find to Bruce Vosberg (other than the phone calls) is the Post-It Note with a number on it affixed to the computer behind me.

Acute sensations, something ordinarily memorable about today. Waking up slowly to the door opening, movement above. Jody kneeling down, moving under the covers alongside. Cold wet, raindrops on the sweater make me shiver. Crying shaking, speaking, she intended to visit not break down. Holding and reassuring, absorbing till we balance. What hurts about doing this. Relieving the anguish transfers the burden not dissapates it, taken internal for now. A birthday present for her, green dark green light striped wrapping paper, on the couch. Better, off now for the rest of her day. Submerged, winter bath in cast iron on claws eases things, feel brighter again.

Home after work, simple warm lunch. Dishes washed. Relentless rain outside, bundling up mutes but does not isolate me from it. Riding my bike, last night painted baby blue with white trim, fits of random productivity are frequent. Wet dripping into the coffee house, the warm usual deep green gold velour in the corner. This spot, reading courts a pleasant drowsiness. Waking up to changed scenery among the tables and chairs, a couple more pages and on the way out. Pretty girl, oddly familiar asks if the nap was nice, of course thank you. Gentle connections and caring, suprisingly clear and good, smiling through the dark street downpour back to work.
One friend flew away and I am guaranteed to not hear her voice for a year and a half.

Another friend made me realize, through a long, gentle talk, a lot of big good things.

Isn't it a shame you can't go on a spiritual adventure too. Isn't it a shame you're stuck here, at home, where learning and growth aren't possible.

Shut up, Pete.

The sky today is clear but I am dull and heavy. Painfully in need of touch which is not available. My eyes close and in the monstrously slowed down flickers of blinking I see entire movies, a melodramatic summary of what went before. Past intermingles with present and I give people today the answers to other people before. Things I did not say at the time, mostly.

Mostly. Mostly, I just need a hug.

Well, today I went to my first club style rave. It was at a place called "TeknoKlub" and the have reasonably good music and I like the lighting. It's a pretty small place though. Anyway, I went there for chinese new year. I ended up being about 1 in 2 white guys there.
Later noght I think I'm going to a foam party.
This should be interesting.

"Nobody's fool save my own" -Gavin Griffin

Infatuation happens. Settling happens. Asking for people to come into your life works. It's all energy, this asking for things. But you have to know how to ask. Be very careful what you ask for.

I have nothing to shoot back at you other than, oh well, I really did want this. I asked for it, but I didn't ask for it carefully enough.

But you both came for me, just at different times. One of you beat the other really by a year. I don't know what to say, I can't watch over you, but he....he watches over me. And he let's me get his back. A formidable duo we've become. Regardless that I'm spoken for, yes he was blown away when I told him, regardless of the beautiful little 20 y/o goth chick ringing his phone off the wall. And she's as cute as a button. But he calls me every night, he makes me dinner, he is like looking in mirror, he writes me poetry, he writes poetry about me, he is the bitchy little boy who I have the capabilities of being. And he wants me, empty ring finger or not. And I sit here by the phone waiting for my other half to tell me he's all right....such a good little girl, with my legs crossed and my mind muddled. Is this a test?

So you tell me what I should do? He's getting a job in Phoenix and he wants to steal me away with him. He says in June, right before our birthday. But I can't go because I have to go North. So I can play out this life with someone who has no idea what to do with me....except hide. And my heart is so tired. Everything's turned on it's nose. Still, all I wanted was you. Not the name, the job, the extraneous bullshit. I'm not enough...SAY IT DAMn'T!

Love sucks, for lack of a more original expression. Particuliarily when you get what you asked for. And I'm beginning to think your mom was right, There is No Arizona. I will still look for it anyway though...

See...this THIS is what separation causes.

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